Day 77 – Calling, Ministry and Assignments

I cannot believe it, but my internship is almost over. I only have 3 more days left after today. Craziness! Dale has decided to take the last three days of class to talk about our calling, how God views work and how we can stand strong when we go home. Today, we discussed calling, ministry and assignments.

Calling:

Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. Deuteronomy 6:4-6

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

Dale presented the idea that this is our primary calling: to love God wholeheartedly. This really resonates with me. As much as I enjoy counseling, it doesn't satisfy me the way that intimacy with God does. My time here at IHOP-KC has deepened my certainty that I was made to love God and to be loved by God. When I sit in this room, I sing to God, I talk to Him and tell Him what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, I study the Bible and ask God questions, and I ask Him to move in my life with provision, to bring healing, to share with me what He is thinking and feeling and to move in the lives and hearts of those that I love. My life is very simple and I am confident that this has been one of the richest seasons of my entire life. I am not literally rich, but I feel rich in my heart. God's love toward me is everlasting. It is driving out every single one of my fears. His peace passes my understanding and guards my heart and mind. Jesus is making His joy full in me. God is teaching me how to rest in Him and He is showing me that He restores my soul.

So, yes, I want to accept this life calling. This is nothing else that I would rather do FOREVER than to love my God with all of my time, all of my money, and all of myself.

Ministry: This is the context or physical place in which I live out my calling.

For me, at least in this next season of life, my ministry is in building the Rock River House of Prayer and counseling at The Glenwood Center. I am already wondering if I can block my clients in the afternoons and evenings to try and do an early night watch shift at our HOP. I have grown to love ministering before God in the night and would like to help develop more of a night watch in Rockford. I continue to ask God to equip me to do private practice counseling and to bring me the clients that He wants me to work with. Truly, the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. I am very excited about this next season of my life and all of the ministry that God has for me in Rockford, IL!

Assignments: The specific individual tasks, jobs God gives you to do that are simple acts of love and obedience.

I continue to ask God for an anointing to partner with Him in His ministry of restoring hearts and for opportunities to minister to orphans. I hope that He will provide assignments for me to work with orphans in a greater way. I also think that He wants me to continue to partner with Exodus Cry in praying for the ending of Human Trafficking on a weekly basis. So, these are some of my assignments.

Day 74 – The Perseverance of Jesus

Wow, the Encountering God service was great tonight! I strongly encourage you to check it out through the archives. Mike Bickle preached on the Perseverance of Jesus as seen in Isaiah 49:1-7. He explained how perseverance is a characteristic that Jesus needed in His humanity, at His first coming. God does not have any obstacles and nothing troubles Him. But Jesus, as a man, experienced the same difficulties and troubles that we do. He needed perseverance to endure to the end and continue in obedience to God. I really enjoyed how Mike operationalized perseverance in our context and I want to share it here:

"Perseverance includes continuing to faithfully press into God and to serve in small things in the face of frustrating circumstances, lack of cooperation, and many other annoying issues which may include lack of finances, lack of appreciation, poor health, disappointing relationships, etc. It is a form of "hiding" when God's favor is seemingly withheld and things do not work right."

Isn't that encouraging?! I felt so affirmed when I read this statement on the notes. Mike went on to talk more specifically about how Jesus was hidden by God and how He persevered through seasons of hiddenness in His life. He also talked about how we see two different perspectives on Jesus' life and we have a similar choice to make with regards to how we will view our life in God.

He (God) has made My (Jesus) mouth like a sharp sword, in the shadow of His hand He has concealed Me; and He has also made Me a select (or sharpened) arrow, He has hidden Me in His quiver. He said to Me, "You are My Servant, Israel, In Whom I will show My glory." But I said, "I have toiled in vain, I have spent My strength for nothing and vanity; yet surely the justice due to Me is with the Lord, and My reward with My God." Isaiah 49:2-4

From man's perspective, Jesus' life and ministry was unimpressive. He spent the first 30 years of His life in complete hiddenness, presumably living an extremely normal life as a carpenter and loving and obeying God through His faithfulness in small things. Jesus has 3 ½ years of ministry at the end of His life which are impressive, but this ends with Him being killed and only a group of about 120 people who remain His faithful followers. From an earthly point of view, it looks like Jesus "toiled in vain and spent His strength for nothing." But, God's perspective is completely opposite. Before Jesus even entered into ministry, God said that Jesus was His beloved son and that He was well-pleased with Him. (Matt 3:17) God saw how Jesus loved and served Him well and faithfully cared for the small things that God had given Him to do during His season of hiddenness. And, God was well-pleased! His heart was moved by Jesus' obedience and the way that Jesus' heart responded and yielded to His leadership. Jesus, for His part, recognized that His reward was with God and He had confidence that His Father was pleased with His life. He decided to live for God's approval alone and endured the difficulties that He must have faced in knowing who He really was, but having to live life as a normal man. He allowed God to raise Him up at the appointed time and did nothing that He did not see His Father doing.

This really challenges and encourages me because I get frustrated when I encounter difficult circumstances and the other annoying issues like lack of finances, lack of power and lack noticeable results. I pray for people and they aren't healed. I ask God to break through in my life or in someone else's and nothing seems to happen. I want to live a life that is significant to God, but my love and my faith seem so incredibly weak and feeble. I experience my daily struggle with sin and think my offering to God is so small. But, I don't want to quit. I want to love God forever. So, I commit again to be a faithful servant, no matter how small or insignificant the things that He has given me seem to be. And I pray 2 Thes 3:5, "May the Lord direct MY heart into the love of God and into the patience of Christ." I need the patience of Christ to be faithful to the end, as He was, and I need the love of God to fuel my heart along the journey. So, even if the things that God has entrusted to you seem small, be encouraged. God's eyes are on you and He is watching the secret movements of Your heart. If we persevere until the end, then we will also have our moment to hear:

Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. (Remember, we still have the millennium to really rule and reign with Jesus!) Enter into the joy of your Lord. Matthew 25:21

Day 70 – Proximity to Jesus

Dale is teaching us about the Millennial Kingdom this week. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this, it is the 1,000-year period in which Jesus will rule the earth in righteousness. He will literally be King of the entire earth and will rule from a throne in Jerusalem. And, we will rule and reign with Him! (Revelation 5:10 and 20:4, 6) According to Mike Bickle's notes, "At this time the Kingdom of God will be openly manifest worldwide affecting every sphere of life (political, social, agricultural, economic, spiritual, educational, law enforcement, family, media, arts, technology, athletics, environment, social institutions, etc." During this 1,000-year period, we are going to partner with Jesus to restore the earth so that God can come and dwell with people on earth once more. Resurrected saints will serve in all of these spheres to bring Jesus' leadership and restoration to the entire earth.

I'm still studying all of the Scriptures that accompany these notes, but the Millennium and ruling and reigning with Jesus sounds pretty great to me. I have already been praying a lot more about what it looks like to partner with Him in my work as a counselor. I am just a few weeks away from going back to work. One of the things that I have learned that I really, really want to hold on to is that God loves me and I love Him. This is my primary life calling. I really enjoy the work of counseling, but I know that helping people is my secondary calling. I can only do it well out of the overflow of my primary calling: being a lover of God. And, I have been asking God to anoint me to partner with Him even more in His work of restoration. I want to be able to work with those who have been the most broken and crushed and see them encounter Jesus and be restored to wholeness. I believe that this kind of healing can only come through Jesus, by the power of the Holy Spirit, and I am asking Him to let me partner with Him and to teach me how to do this kind of work. I know that will not be possible outside of a lifestyle of prayer and fasting.

But today, we listened to a teaching about eternal rewards. Mike said that there will probably be a few billion believers in God's eternal family. It will be impossible for Jesus to be in close proximity to everyone. We will all have the Holy Spirit, so we will always have access to God. But, we will not always have access to Jesus. I felt slightly shocked at this realization! When I imagine Heaven, my favorite part is seeing Jesus face to face, hearing His voice and actually doing things with Him. I never thought about the fact that I would have to share Him with a few billion other people. I want to have as much proximity to Jesus as I can possibly have in Heaven. How can I start pursuing this now?

But Jesus called them to Himself and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." Matt 20:25-28

If I want to be near to Jesus forever, then I need to be great in His kingdom. I need to become like Jesus, as a servant, to become great in His kingdom. I want to cultivate intimacy with God this side of Heaven so that I can enjoy more face time with Jesus in Heaven. So, I commit myself to loving and obeying Him daily. I want to learn how to submit to Jesus' leadership in the small details of my life now so that He can entrust me with greater responsibilities during the Millennium. I want to agree to God's discipleship plan for me, even when it involves difficult circumstances and confronting the ugliness of my heart, because I want to be great in the kingdom of God. I would love to be given a position in the Millennium that would allow me to work with orphans or people rescued from human trafficking during Jesus' 2^nd coming. I think that it would be incredible if my life and training now was preparing me for a much greater ministry later. Plus, I know how God feels about widows and orphans. I'm hoping that this kind of work will also give me more face time with Jesus in the Millennium. I just want to be as close to Him as I can possibly be forever and I am realizing that how I live now impacts how I will live then.

Day 67 – Blessed is he who is not offended because of Me

Now when John, while imprisoned, heard of the works of Christ, he sent word by his disciples and said to Him, "Are You the Expected One, or shall we look for someone else?" Jesus answered and said to them, "Go and report to John what you hear and see: the blind receive sight and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the Gospel preached to them. And blessed is he who does not take offense at Me." Matthew 11:2-6

Jesus was referencing messianic prophecies found in the book of Isaiah. He knew that John and his disciples would recognize these references and understand that He was the Messiah by fulfilling them.

Then the eyes of the blind will be opened and the ears of the deaf will be unstopped. Then the lame will leap like a deer… Isaiah 35:5-6a

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners. Isaiah 61:1

Jesus finished His explanation to Johns' disciples by saying, "And blessed is he who does not take offense at Me". Isaiah 61 clearly states that the Messiah will "proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners". John was in prison. Jesus knew that John would not be released from prison and that he would shortly be put to death. This would be a great opportunity for Johns' disciples to feel offended at Jesus. I can imagine a list of reasons why they would have thought that Jesus, as the Messiah, would set John free from his captivity. Jesus, John is your cousin, he prepared the way for your ministry, he has lived his entire life as a faithful Nazirite and setting prisoners free is one of your most important responsibilities as the Messiah. Johns' disciples must have been shocked and hurt when the news came that King Herod had put John to death. Hopefully they remembered what Jesus had said about "he who does not take offense at Me."

This has really impacted me this week because Jesus has been revealing some areas of deep offense in my heart. I have discovered that my offense is also related to things that God has not done in His leadership of my life. Let me give you a few examples:

• I have been offended that God has not always healed me physically, despite LOTS of prayer for healing. More specifically, I REALLY didn't want to have surgery in July and I felt deeply offended at God that I had to have the surgery and pay for it when He could have healed me supernaturally.
  
• I have been offended that God has not let me get married yet. I have wanted to get married and have kids since I was a little girl. I'm 30 now and God is increasingly stirring my heart to care for and adopt orphans, but God has not given me a husband yet.
  
• I have been offended that God has not brought my brothers back to pursuing relationship with Him despite the fact that lots of us have been praying for them for years and God has spoken all kinds of prophetic promises over them for years.
  
• I have been offended that God has not been growing the House of Prayer in the Rockford region faster, even though a faithful group of us have been contending.
  

I could go on and on, but I hope that you get the point. In summary, I have discovered that my heart is easily offended by Jesus' leadership and I feel extremely unblessed or unhappy when my heart is offended at Him. So, I am confessing and repenting every time I discover offended feelings. I remind myself that it is written, "Just as the Father has loved Me [Jesus], I have also loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full." (John 15:9-11) I remind myself that Jesus wants His joy to be in me and for my joy to be made full. He knows that this will only come through obedience and an unoffended heart. I set my heart to love and obey Him again and I ask Him to help me keep my heart unoffended. I confess and pray until my feelings change, "Jesus, I love your leadership in my life. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places. (Psalm 16:6a)."

Day 64 – Courage in the face of accusation

Once again, I love our Life of David class taught by Clay Edwards. It blesses me every week! We studied 1 Samuel 17 yesterday and talked about how David responded to accusation. Clay presented three types of accusation that David faced in this situation that can be compared to the accusation that we experience.

1. From within: Eliab, David's brother accused him. "Why have you come down? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your insolence and the wickedness of your heart; for you have come down in order to see the battle." 1 Sam 17:28 Eliab accused David of being just a shepherd with a "few sheep". He accused David of having wrong motives and being proud.
   
2. From without: Goliath accused David. "Am I a dog, that you come to me with sticks?" And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.
   1 Sam 17:43 Goliath accused David of being inadequate. He also attacked David verbally by cursing him and threatening his life in verse 44.
   
3. With reason: Saul accused David with reason. "You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him; for you are but a youth while he has been a warrior from his youth." 1 Sam 17:33 Saul accused David by offering the natural perspective. He tried to explain to David that he didn't have the skill set necessary and that he was just too small and too young to be successful.
   

How did David respond to all this accusation?

1. To Eliab:
   And David said, "What have I done now? Is there not a cause?" 1 Sam 17:29 (NKJV) I like the NKJV question: Is there not a cause? David did not respond to Eliab's provocation, but focused on the legitimate cause.
   
2. To Goliath: "I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have taunted. This day the LORD will deliver you up into my hands" 1 Sam 17:45b-46a David understood who God is and He had confidence in God's ability to defeat His enemies.
   
3. To Saul:
   "When a lion or a bear came and took a lamb from the flock, I went out after him and attacked him, and rescued it from his mouth; and when he rose up against me, I seized him by his beard and struck him and killed him. Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; and this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, since he has taunted the armies of the living God." 1 Sam 17:34-36 David understood how God had been training him through his experiences as a shepherd. He explained to Saul that he did have the experience and skills necessary. But more than that, David understood that God was on His side because Goliath had insulted Him. David knew that God would give him the courage and the ability to defeat Goliath.
   

What does this mean for us? Well unfortunately, we have an accuser who accuses us day and night (Rev 12:10). As he did with David, Satan accuses us of having wrong motives and being inadequate because of our past or current struggle with sin. He constantly offers us a natural perspective on our identity and our abilities. He attacks our beliefs about God's provision and tries to make us afraid of failure. Depending on the hopelessness of our situation, we can become extremely fearful and choose to accept this accusation. But, truth flies in the face of these accusations!

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. Rom 8:1

The Holy Spirit gives me the courage to face all of my giants. He helps me define reality by the word of God whereas my flesh defines reality according to what is natural, as I experience it through my 5 senses. The flesh tells me, "I feel …, therefore I am …" For example, "I feel ashamed that I gossiped again and even though I repented, I don't really think that God likes me." But, it is written, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9)." It is also written, "He delivered me because He delighted in me (Psalm 18:19)." I choose to believe what the Bible says instead of how I feel. If I keep reminding myself of the truth long enough, then my feelings usually change too. I want to agree with God and receive courage instead of agreeing with accusation and cowering in fear. I want to run to defeat my enemies the way that David ran to fight Goliath.

Day 63 - Holy Imagination

I love my imagination. I can remember using it to play make-believe when I was little or to daydream when I was bored in school. As I have gotten older, I have discovered that there are other things that I can do with my imagination. Some like creative problem solving and writing can be used in God-honoring ways. But others like fantasizing as a way of dealing with uncomfortable feelings or imagining what I would like to do to people who bother me don't honor God. I am also realizing that they are not healthy for me. Over the past 2 months I have been learning a lot about how to take unhealthy thoughts captive and I think that this has been very helpful. It has been even more helpful to learn about how I can use my imagination to actually encounter God and grow my faith.

We spend a lot of time praying and it's easy to become distracted or bored after a while. We studied Revelation 4 in my Tools for the Prayer Room class. The teacher had us close our eyes and imagine this scene in heaven while we were praying. I discovered that it was much easier to stay engaged in prayer when I was imagining my prayers coming before a real throne that I could see in my imagination. I have also been studying Ezekiel 1, Revelation 1 and Revelation 19 to get additional ideas about what Jesus looks like. I try to picture Him in my mind when I close my eyes and begin praying. There are lots of descriptions that I don't understand, but this leads me into prayer too. I start asking Jesus what certain things mean and for more revelation. I consecrate my imagination to Him and ask Him to use it to help me know Him more.

In another class, we learned a technique to use when reading through the Gospels. This technique reveals what God is like by helping us understand how Jesus interacted with people. First, pick a scene or a passage from the Bible to meditate on. Read it several times and then start breaking it into chunks. Ponder what this was actually like when it happened and ask Jesus to reveal what He was thinking and feeling in that moment. Use your imagination to picture the weather, the time of day, the natural smells and sounds of the scene, and what the expression on Jesus' face would have been. Ask God what this reveals about your heart and how you need to respond to what He is showing you. Imagine that you are one of the people that Jesus is addressing and how you would have felt in that experience.

I've also been attending a class on Fridays called Holy Fascination through the Kansas City Healing Community. They are primarily an inner-healing group, but they also teach classes to help people imagine scenes from the Bible and use their imaginations to meet with Jesus. This has been interesting too because I'm reading a lot about inner healing right now. I really want to be able to do serious restoration work (Isaiah 61 level) and most profound inner healing techniques involve asking Jesus to come and visit people in their traumatic memories. I'm practicing using these techniques on myself to see how they might work for others and I have been really encouraged by the results.

The combination of all of these things is that I am using my imagination much differently. Whenever I start to use it, I am training myself to imagine that Jesus is there with me. If I am trying to use my imagination to escape something, then Jesus is there with me and we can have a dialogue about what is bothering me. I find it much harder to fantasize when Jesus is standing next to me in my imagination and I find it much easier to choose to love and obey Him when I can imagine Him as a real man. This has also been helping me to grow in my belief that God enjoys me even in my weakness. I know that God is mostly glad, but that doesn't feel true when I am struggling with sin and having to talk with Him about it. If I take a minute to first imagine that God is giving me a great big smile and telling me that He is happy that I want to connect with Him, then that difficult conversation becomes much easier. I feel much more natural grief over hurting His heart with my sin and a much greater desire to turn and walk in obedience when I picture Jesus as a real person that I want to be in relationship with. I am discovering that this, like everything else, is a process, but I am excited that God is redeeming my imagination and teaching me how to use it for His glory and my pleasure. J

Day 57 – Peace; a byproduct of Truth

Dale is teaching us this week and we are talking about the 2^nd coming of Christ and what His return to earth will be like. He was talking about how there will be a lot of delusion and people will be saying, "Peace and safety!" and then destruction will come (1 Thes 5:3). Dale said that peace, as we pursue it through compromise, is not true peace. True peace is found when we agree with Jesus Christ, who is truth (John 14:6). At His 2^nd coming, Jesus is actually going to bring war to the earth. He will fight against everyone who does not agree with Him and His right to rule and reign upon the earth. He will bring judgment to everyone who has not repented for their sins and come into agreement with His view of sin. Ultimately, there will be peace on earth, under Jesus' perfect leadership. But, this peace will not come through compromise. Every person will be given a choice: submit to Jesus' leadership of your life and your city and your nation or die. This will be a hostile takeover for everyone who has not surrendered to Jesus already.

This is SO intense! It challenges me to examine my life and look for places that are not surrendered to Jesus. He will be king over all of me and this whole world. I want to start living according to this reality now so that I don't experience His 2^nd coming as a hostile takeover. I would prefer to give up my carnal pursuits rather than have them wrenched away from me.

Then I looked, and I heard the voice of many angels around the throne and the living creatures and the elders; and the number of them was myriads of myriads, and thousands of thousands, saying with a loud voice, "Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing." Revelation 5:11-12

Jesus is worthy of all of this today. He is worthy of all of my power or my physical strength. Jesus is worthy of all of my finances and directing how I use them. He is worthy of my wisdom or my thoughts and intellect. Jesus is worthy of all of my might or the skills and gifts that He has given to me. He is worth all of my honor, my glory and my blessing. Any time that someone compliments me and recognizes me for something, I can point them back to Jesus and say He is the one who is really worthy of your admiration and praise. He is the one who makes me who I am and offers you help, comfort and salvation.

I think that this would be a good habit for me to start developing now. It will help me be ready for the day when Jesus is actually king over the whole earth, with a throne in Jerusalem. I will be ready to pay homage to my King from years of practicing.

I also think that this is important in order to protect me from pride. As the Holy Spirit is poured out on all flesh in the last days (Acts 2, Joel 2), I believe that God will use me to prophecy and perform many signs and wonders. I hope and pray that I will be anointed, as Jesus was, to "bind up the brokenhearted and proclaim liberty to captives" (Isa 61:1). I am beginning to imagine myself working with abused orphans and rescued victims of human trafficking. These precious ones can only be restored by the blood and power of Jesus. I am asking Him to equip and release me into this type of counseling work and I hope that He will use me powerfully. I realize that this may tempt the people who receive help from me to worship me, as they did with Paul and Barnabas (Acts 14). I may even be tempted to accept their worship for myself. But, this would be a terrible form of idolatry. I don't want to put myself or anyone that I minister to in this position. I would rather preach the gospel and point everyone to Jesus, as the true Savior of the world. I want to proclaim that I am the servant of an incredible King who is worthy of all of their adoration.

Day 56

I know that it's been a few days since I've posted a blog entry. It's just been really busy here; as usual. But, here are a few highlights from the past few days:

Sunday FCF service with Mike Bickle: He preached on the Humility of God. Mike talked about how humility is part of God's eternal nature and that Jesus has existed eternally in the form of God as a servant. I had never thought of this before. I, like most Gentiles, tend to focus on Jesus being God, which He is. I thought that His humility came when He took on human flesh and came to earth. I didn't realize that Jesus was just as humble before He became a man as He is now. Mike also said that meekness is power under control, which I really liked. Jesus has perfect power under perfect control. Wow.

Mike also mentioned that people never knew how superior Jesus' abilities were. Can you imagine?! Even when He was doing miracles, people just thought that He was an anointed prophet. They had no idea that Jesus was actually God. I don't like to be misunderstood or when people underestimate me. I am usually quick to correct people when this happens. But, Jesus was content to be ordinary. Every time that people treated Him as a normal man, they underestimated Him. I also care A LOT about my reputation, although I am working through this as I renounce my fear of man. But, Jesus was not concerned about His reputation (Phil 2:6-8). He never insisted that people treat Him as He deserved to be treated, although He honored people like the centurion who recognized Him as a man of authority.

Finally Mike talked about how the very fact that God loves and enjoys weak and broken humans like us reveals His humility. He could not feel affection towards us if He was proud and insisted on what He deserved. Jesus could have won everyone's allegiance in one second if He would have come to earth in His full glory and power. We would have been completely dazzled, the way I often am by celebrities. But, Jesus wanted to win our hearts for love, so He decided to come as an extremely ordinary man (Isa 53:2-3). He is like the prince who disguises his true identity in order to be loved for himself rather than his privileges.

Monday: Toward the end of the 4 AM intercession set, we sang in the Spirit for a good 20 minutes and it was really cool. I kept thinking of Song of Solomon 4:9:

You have made my heart beat faster, my sister, my bride; you have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes, with a single strand of your necklace.

I just imagined how moved God's heart must have been to hear all of our voices lifting up to Him simultaneously. If a single glance of my eye makes His heart beat faster, than how does He feel when over 100 people sing straight to His heart from their spirits? I hope that His heart felt exuberant at our praises and that our affection for Him brought a great big smile to His face. I hope that we are a welcome resting place for His Spirit on the earth in the midst of evil all around.

Tuesday: We talked about how Jesus is looking for friends in our large core group meeting today. We discussed people like Moses, John the Baptist, John the Beloved and Peter and what being a friend means.

The combination of all of these things has been encouraging me to think more and more about Jesus' humanity and how I impact Him when I engage in relationship with Him.

Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am… John 17:24

Jesus wants me to be with Him. He likes me and He calls me His friend (John 15). I want to be a good friend to Him. I want to be near Him and to bring joy to His heart. I know that Jesus makes intercession before the Father and I want to join Him as the disciplines did in the garden of Gethsemane. I want to watch and pray with Him as they did. I don't think that I actually understand what it means to be Jesus' friend, but I want to and I'm asking Him to make me His friend.

Day 52 – Come up here

I really, really want to have an encounter with Jesus! I would like to visit heaven, in a dream or a vision. I want to see angels. I have wanted this for a while, but this desire just keeps increasing over the course of my internship. I keep hearing from all of these people who have had encounters and I am provoked to jealousy (godly, I hope). I want one!

On Wednesday, Julie Meyer talked to us about dreams and shared some of the significant dreams that God has given her in recent years. She thinks that one of the things that make dreams so great is that God comes to you. I had never thought of it in those terms, but it's true! All I do is go to sleep. God does all the rest. Julie also challenged us to get the Bible into our minds and hearts. She challenged us by stating that we will dream about what captures our attention during the day. If I'm worrying about different situations in my life, I often find that I dream about them. Or, if I am spending lots of time reading a book or watching a TV series, I have also found that I will dream about them. So, I want to make God the thing in my head that takes up the most space. I want conversation with Him or thinking about Him as I read or remember or sing Scriptures to be what captures my attention during the day because I really, really want to encounter Him while I sleep.

Julie has had several heavenly dreams. She told us that she started having them after she committed to asking for them over the period of a few years. Julie mentioned that she meditated on Revelation 4:1:

After these things I looked, and behold, a door standing open in heaven, and the first voice which I had heard, like the sound of a trumpet speaking with me, said, "Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after these things."

Julie did a word study on this verse and she said that the "come up here" is repetitive. God wants us to come up there again and again and again. Julie took this verse as a personal promise and started asking God to bring her up to heaven. She challenged us to believe this verse too and to own the idea that God wants to reveal Himself to us in dreams. He would love to bring us up to encounter Him in heaven. We just need to start asking.

This was also meaningful to me because I have been studying Revelation 4 and Ezekiel 1. I really want to have a mental picture of what God's throne room looks like so that I when I am praying I can imagine that I am right there. I am a real person praying to a real God who sits on a real throne in a real place! But, it's been challenging because some of this stuff makes no sense to me. I am a very visual person, but I keep reading these passages over and over again and I'm still having a hard time forming a mental picture of what these living creatures look like (Eze 1:5-25, Rev 4:6-9) and what God looks like (Eze 1, Rev 4). But, I want to know! So, I am going to keep studying and keep asking God to increase my revelation.

I got fired up even more when I noticed that Ezekiel was 30 when he had his first vision (Eze 1:1)! I had forgotten this, but Levites would begin their service as a priest when they turned 30. I am in my 30^th year and I am a part of a priestly family, on earth and in heaven. I want to have heavenly visions! I want to receive the word of the Lord the way that Ezekiel did and I want to minister before God in the place of prayer and worship. So, I'm asking God to let me come up there. And, I actually think that this is available to all of us. So, if your heart is feeling stirred and you have a desire to go up there too; then start asking. I think that God would love to bring all of us up for a preview of coming attractions: heaven!

Day 51 – Yes by Yes

We had a special guest speaker at PHD (Prophecy, Healing and Deliverance) class on Wednesday: Julie Meyer. She was amazing! And, really, really funny and engaging, which is always helpful during afternoon classes. Julie talked to us about dreams and shared some of the significant dreams that God has given her in recent years. One of the words that God gave her in a dream really challenged me. He told her, "Day by day, step by step, choice by choice, and yes by yes." Julie said that God promised her that He would do the big transformative work in her life and heart if she would be faithful to say "Yes" to Him in the small choices of her daily life. Then, she gave two examples of how this worked in her life: her speech and in fasting.

Julie told a funny story about how she was shopping in Dollar General on a fast day and really wanted to buy a candy bar. She said that all of the candy bars in the checkout lane were calling her name and jumping up and down. But, Julie remembered that it was a fast day and felt the Holy Spirit tell her that this was a tiny opportunity for her to say "Yes" to Him. She left with her purchase and felt victorious in having made one more small choice that said "Yes." With regard to her speech, Julie told us that she actually keeps a cork in her bathroom. Sometimes she puts it in her mouth when she is getting ready. Julie will look at herself in the mirror and tell herself that this is what she needs to do whenever she wants to speak critically or complain. She tries to imagine herself with the cork in her mouth during the day when she feels tempted to say something that she knows will dishonor God. I love it!

The main reason that I really liked her suggestions is that it feels much more positive to try and say "Yes" to Jesus all day long than to say "No" to sin. I really want to "fight the good fight" against sin and I've been trying to say "No" whenever it presents itself. But, I have noticed that this can be discouraging. I sin A LOT, every day. After a while, I feel tired of saying "No" and watching for sin that I want to do. I also feel frustrated that I still want to sin. Saying "Yes" to Jesus, on the other hand, feels fantastic. I love to offer my "Yes" to Him and I feel a swell of His pleasure and affection for me every time I do this. Sometimes, I do it just for fun, in random places. In my heart I say, "Yes, Jesus. I love you. I say yes to You." And then there is this tickle in my Spirit because I know that He loves my yes. God loves it when I come into agreement with Him!

So, please be encouraged. This is for everyone, but especially for those who are really struggling with condemnation. If you are saying "Yes" to Jesus, then He is NOT condemning you! That is the enemy and you can tell him to "SHUT UP!" God is SO gracious towards us! The Holy Spirit convicts us of sin because He loves us and He wants our good. He knows that sin will only ensnare us and steal our joy, peace and, most importantly, our intimacy and connection with God. God wants us to have unbroken communion with Him because He knows that this is what gives us the most satisfaction. He disciplines us because He loves us and we are His legitimate children! Commit to obey God and just focus on saying "Yes" to Him all day long. If you fall into sin, just repent and keep going. Start saying "Yes" again. If you say "Yes" in the small things, with the grace that God gives you, then He will be faithful to set you free from sin, conform you to His image and renew your mind.

Day 49 – Coming home…

I am feeling excited and anxious about coming home in a month. I am VERY excited to see my family and friends. I feel energized and joyful about continuing to build R2HOP and serving in some new ways there. Every time that I read Isaiah 61, I feel so thankful that I get to partner with Jesus in healing the broken hearted and proclaiming liberty to the captives through my work as a counselor. It's the idea of resuming "normal life" that has me feeling nervous. I am just not sure how to maintain all of the good changes that God has been making in me and the new ideas and practices that have taken root in my life when my entire schedule and all of my activities don't expressly facilitate this. I don't know what will happen when I have to create my own structure to continue what God has been doing in me here.

I think that I'm experiencing the tension between living in the spiritual and living in the natural again. We just started a new class this morning: End-Times with Blaise Foret. (Blaise is one of our main core leaders and my apt. has decided he is like a younger Corey Russell, if that gives you any ideas about his personality and teaching style.) We studied Matthew 24 and began talking about the "birth pangs" and the "tribulation". Blaise especially highlighted how important it is for us to be spiritually alert and prepared so that we can stay faithful to Jesus and endure those difficulties. This class was really intense and I left feeling really wound up. I want to give myself over to studying the End-Times in the Bible more and getting ready for the End-Times! But, on the other hand, I'm starting to think more and more about coming home and resuming work and my "normal life". I know that these are also good things and that they are important to the Lord, but they are very different.

I find myself thinking, "How do I do both well? How do I continue to pursue intimacy with God aggressively and to give Him my all at the same time that I work a job, enjoy relationship with my family and friends and be faithful in all of my "normal life" responsibilities? How does this work, God?!" I really think that it's both for me. I don't feel called to become a mystic and to pull away from the world completely so that I can just gaze on God's beauty. I think that would be really nice, but when He is really filling me up with the fullness of God, there is so much extra love in me that I want to direct it towards someone else. I hope that counseling will be a natural outlet for me to express all of that extra love. But, this world is so enticing! How can I live here and be a part of it without being sucked into giving into my raging appetites for entertainment, affirmation, comfort, and success? How do I resist the fear of man when it calls out to me to modify my pursuit of God or minimize my message that Jesus is coming back soon in order to obtain approval and avoid judgment?

I actually had a dream about the fear of man last night and I'm going to share part of it because I think that God has been giving me the answer, at least to that question.

I was counseling a girl in one corner of a large room that was full of people. I let out a roar at one point and everyone turned to look at me. I felt extremely embarrassed and immediately began apologizing and trying to rationalize my behavior. Shortly after this, a demonic man approached me and told me that he had received permission to come against me and oppress me for a period of time. I could actually feel and hear a heavy weight come down on my bed, next to me, as I slept. I began to cry out to Jesus for help. I called out "Beautiful One!" again and again until I felt the weight lift. I was reminded of the lyrics to a song that we often sing in the prayer room, "I love the Lord because He heard my cry and He delivered me from all of my fears." I began saying this chorus to Jesus again and again because I felt so grateful that He had listened to my cry for help and come to rescue me. Then I saw that I was holding a pink, fuzzy vest. I liked it, but I wasn't sure what it was or how to wear it. It buttoned up the back and had a really cool black, white and color logo for "Eternal City" on the inside. I asked Jesus, "What is this?" and I heard, "Encounter with Love." I understood that it was a sort of bullet-proof vest made just for me and that Jesus had to help me put it on and secure it.

I struggle a lot with the fear of man. I think that the roar represents my spirit man who wants to take the kingdom of God by violence. But, I often cave in to fear when I think that everyone is looking at me, especially if they aren't Christians. I start trying to change my message in order to avoid their judgment. But this actually opens me up to more serious spiritual attack. It is Jesus, the "Beautiful One", who is able to deliver me from all of my fears and it is He who protects me with an "encounter with love." I think that the solution for me to come home and resume "normal life" will be to maintain a focus on Jesus and to keep encountering His love on a daily basis. I don't know the exact nature of all the fears that I will face upon reentry, but I do know the Beautiful One who is able to deliver me from all of them.

Day 46 – Does God really want our good?

I have been reading through the book of Jeremiah and it has been challenging some of my ideas about how God is really good.

They shall be My people, and I will be their God; and I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me always, for their own good and for the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; and I will put the fear of Me in their hearts so that they will not turn away from Me. I will rejoice over them to do them good and will faithfully plant them in this land with all My heart and with all My soul. For thus says the LORD, 'Just as I brought all this great disaster on this people, so I am going to bring on them all the good that I am promising them.' (Jeremiah 32:38-42)

The word good is used 5 times in these 4 verses. God is for Israel's good. He is for the good of Israel's children. He commits to planting Israel in their land with all of His heart and His soul. All of this good and these promises are really encouraging until you remember that Jeremiah is receiving this word from God while He is in prison. He was "shut up in the court of the guard" (Jer 32:2) because the king was mad that he was prophesying the destruction of Jerusalem. And, this is after Jeremiah was thrown into the dungeon (Jer 37:16) and then rescued from being thrown into a cistern to starve to death (Jer 38:6-9). And, this is all at the same time that the city of Jerusalem is under siege by Babylon.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure that I would be that interested in hearing about the "good" that God had planned for my city and my people if I had suffered like Jeremiah. Even if I was interested, it would be really hard to believe that God really wanted our good when I looked at the natural circumstances of living in a besieged city, being unjustly persecuted and imprisoned, and being on the verge of either death or living in captivity for 70 years. And yet, there it is in Jeremiah 32. God is clearly talking to Jeremiah about how much He loves Israel and how committed He is to their good.

This is really hard for me to understand and my life circumstances aren't even that difficult. I am really praying and asking God to convince me that He is for my good no matter what I see when I look at what is happening around me and to me. I think that this is important now and I can imagine that it will be even more important in the days to come. As I read what the Bible says about the last days before Jesus returns again, things sound extremely difficult. If I don't learn how to persevere through difficulty while maintaining the belief that God is good now, then what will I do in those days?

I think of Hebrews 12:15: See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled…

This verse reminds me to pay attention to what is happening in my heart and mind in response to my life. I am trying to train myself to start asking the following question every day: How do I respond when I get what I don't think I deserve or when I don't get what I think that I do deserve? In other words, what promotions and rewards do I think I deserve that I am not getting? Is there anything or anyone who is offending me? Am I feeling mistreated or thinking that I am getting something that I do not deserve? What are my expectations for how God and others should be treating me? My answers to these kinds of questions can reveal where bitterness toward God or others is springing up in my heart; where I am tempted to believe that God is not really good or for my good. Knowing this helps me know when and how I need to repent and remind myself of truth. God is good. I want to believe this because it's true, not because it seems true in my life.

Day 45 – My fight

The Conflict of the Two Natures: Romans 7:14-25

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not…For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members… (Verses 18, 22)

Deliverance from Bondage: Romans 8:1-25

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace…So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh—for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. (Verses 1, 3-6, 12-13)

I am experiencing this struggle that Paul describes so well in Romans. I am learning so many things and encountering the love of God, but still struggling with the same old sins. How can this be?! This happens because sanctification is a transformative process that happens over time.

For this, I really appreciate how IHOP-KC encourages us to define our identity: God loves me and I love God, but I struggle with sin. As God lavishes His love on me, I feel love back towards Him and my hatred for sin grows. I become like the violent men from John 11:12 who are seizing the kingdom of heaven. I commit to love and obey God again. But usually, after only a few short minutes, I find myself sinning again. So I repent and recommit. And then, I sin yet again. And this goes on and on, all day, every day.

Without fail, this endless cycle eventually leads to me feeling frustrated and discouraged. I want to give up, but I know that there are only two sides in this struggle: Jesus and Satan. I am sure that I don't want to change sides, but I'm not sure how to handle my heart given the reality of my struggle with sin. Fortunately several of my teachers have reminded us of another IHOP-KC mantra: "If you don't quit, then you win." I really think that this is an important reminder for me.

It's actually humbling, in a good way, for me to repent over and over again every day. It is my pride that says, "I'm tired of failure. I'm not committing to obey anymore." God hates pride and He's helping me to hate it too (Prov 8:13). If this process will destroy my pride, then I want to embrace it wholeheartedly. My flesh is weak, it's true. But, my spirit is willing and God is making it stronger every day. Again, God seems to be inviting me to embrace my weakness and I commit to saying "Yes" as many times as it takes.

Day 41 – Message to the Exiles

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

I think almost everyone has heard this verse at some point in their life. As Corey Russell says, it's popular for graduation cards and we usually use it to encourage people when life is feeling difficult. But, do you realize that this message was actually sent to the exiles in Babylon at the beginning of their 70 year captivity?! God wanted to encourage them because they would be in exile for the next 70 years. He also directed them to establish themselves in Babylon (verses 4-7). This really struck me today and I started thinking about how our life here on earth, waiting for Jesus' second coming, is like being in exile.

Having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth…But as it is, they desire a better county, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not [ashamed of them, to be] called their God; for He has prepared a city for them. Hebrews 11:13b, 16

In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. John 14:2-3

Seek the welfare [or peace] of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare [or peace] you will have welfare [or peace]. Jeremiah 29:7

This earth is not my home. I am an exile here while Jesus prepares a place for me in heaven. My true home is in heaven with Him for all of eternity. I desire to live in that home because I know that it is better to be with Jesus. But, for the time being, God has called me to live here, on earth. And, He asks me to pray for the welfare or peace of the earthly city where He has placed me.

In this context, I think that Jeremiah 29:11 is actually a promise that heaven is for real. I like to use this verse whenever I am wrestling with God because I perceive that He won't give me something that I want. I say to Him, "You said that You have plans for my welfare and NOT for calamity, to give me a future and a hope. I don't think that You are holding up Your end of the bargain when I look at my circumstances." But, it may be that I just have the wrong application of this Scripture. Instead of trying to use it to persuade God to change my circumstances, I can ask God to use it to change my heart and to help me live for eternity.

I also want to do my part to pray for the welfare and peace of my city so that I can join the global prayer movement that hastens the day of the LORD's return (2 Peter 3:12). I want to send up all the prayer and worship that I can to fill up those golden bowls of incense that are in heaven (Rev 5:8). I want to contribute to the songs to Jesus that are going to cover the entire earth before He returns (Isa 42:10-12). These are things that I can do now in anticipation of the day when God will bring me home.

Day 39 – There is a treasure in me

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

John Begel spoke at the Encountering God Service (EGS) last night and his message was powerful. I strongly encourage you to listen to it through the archives. He began by talking about how God chooses to hide His treasure in the strangest places, meaning us. John went on to talk about how it seems to delight God to keep people in a place a weakness and this is what I want to focus on.

And He (Jesus) has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9a

Blessed (or happy) are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:3

God loves to bring His incredible power and His loving presence into my life when I am weak. He also seems to protect me in weakness. As John said, "Satan can smell pride a solar system away" and God uses weakness to protect us from becoming prideful. All of this was somewhat familiar to me. I was thinking, "This is a good reminder", but I wasn't feel really challenged. That happened next…

John shared that God had started challenging him with Matthew 5:3. God told John that He was having a hard time working with him because John didn't know how to be poor in spirit because he was always trying to be rich. This really impacted me because I am also always trying to be rich. And not just financially, although I will be honest and say that I pray for that too. But, I want to be rich in the greater sense in that I want to be free from sin and struggle and pain and fear and jealousy and insecurity and anger…I think you get the picture.

I was already convicted. But John went on to identify 4 high places that I have definitely been worshipping at and I was convicted further:

• Self-glorification: I make a name for me. I seek to earn recognition, affirmation and approval from people. (This is when I tell you things about me that I hope will impress you so that you will compliment me and I can feel really special.)
  
• Self-gratification: I want my life to work well. Please! I want to be successful, comfortable and I want all of my relationships and tasks to operate smoothly. (But, really, who doesn't? Although that doesn't make it any more right…)
  
• Self-falsification/promotion: I misrepresent myself so that I look better to others and get more of that recognition that I enjoy so much. (This is when I make up an answer to a counseling question that someone asks me because I really don't know, but I don't want them to know that.)
  
• Self-sufficiency: I want to take care of myself. I want to be financially independent, emotionally stable, intellectually brilliant, physically strong and completely holy all by myself. (This is when I think that I really can earn my salvation because I am such a good person.)
  

I wept as I repented at the end of the service. I was so grieved to see that I still have quite a little kingdom devoted to me. I felt so thankful that I could turn my eyes to my sympathetic high priest, Jesus Christ, and ask Him to forgive me (Heb 4:15). I felt so grateful that He loves me too much to leave me enslaved to sin. I asked Jesus to help me to follow His perfect example: to die to myself and to live for God. I also asked God to help me to embrace weakness and frailty in my life since He longs to encounter me in that place. I have been trying to get rid of my weaknesses for my whole life or at least to hide them so that no one can see them. I had not realized that God would keep revealing them because it is in my weakness that He most wants to connect with me and lavish His love upon me. It is in my weakness that He can best display the treasure that He has hidden within me: Himself. For when my little earthen vessel is broken, then the light of His glory shines out most spectacularly.

Day 36 – Life is hard. How do I keep a buoyant heart?

My new class this week is Jesus: the Bridegroom with Brett Maverich. It's been challenging in a really good way. We have been talking a lot about the Bridal paradigm. This is basically a framework for processing life that believes that Jesus loves us and wants to live in intimate relationship and partnership with us for all of eternity. Brett talked about how everyone has a paradigm that they use to process their life. Life is really hard and our paradigm will influence how we approach pain, suffering, disappointment and difficult circumstances. When I believe that God is love and that His will is actually His overflowing heart for human beings, then I can trade in my hurt for joy and love. When I don't believe that God is love, then I will be more likely to choose anger and bitterness when I experience pain or difficulty in my life.

Now before this conversation happened, we had an equally challenging discussion in my Life of David class yesterday. We talked a lot about eternity and how our life on this earth is a really short span of time in comparison to forever. Clay Edwards asked the question, "How do you know that the prophetic promises you have received from God are for now? What if they are for the millennial kingdom, when we will rule the earth with Christ? What if you only experience partial fulfillment of God's calling on your life this side of heaven? How will you respond then?"

I must confess that this has opened up a lot of dialogue with God in my heart. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about eternity. I'm pretty focused on my life here on earth. And, as a 30 year old who has experienced tremendous blessing in life, I can tell you that I have already been tempted with disillusionment because things are not working out the way that I thought they would. God has not done a lot of the things that I thought He would have done in my life by now. And it hurts my feelings and makes quitting seem really enticing. But, I can normally get myself excited again by thinking, "Well, God just hasn't done it yet. But, He will! Or, He's going to do something even better that I never thought of instead." Then, I can keep going and my heart can stay tender toward Him. So, when Clay started suggesting that I may not see God fulfill some of the things that I am waiting for until eternity; that kind of stopped me. What?! Then, to make matters worse, he started focusing on how I would respond if that was the case. At that time, I started experiencing some real difficulty. What?!! You mean I might wait for the rest of my life for God to do these things that I desire to see Him do AND think that He told me He wants to do and I could still potentially enter heaven with them unfulfilled? Please tell me that this is not actually a possibility that I need to consider!

Then, this morning, Brett was talking about keeping a tender heart before the LORD. He told this story of a woman in her eighties who has experienced tremendous pain and loss in her life; much more than I have experienced. Yet, she has a joyful and tender heart toward God. She has continually walked with Jesus in such a way that she has chosen to allow Him to comfort her in her sufferings rather than become bitter and resentful toward God. This woman has decided that God's love is enough for her, no matter what difficulties she may experience. Now I'm really in a bind. I want to have that kind of tender heart toward God, all the days of my life, regardless of my circumstances. But, in addition to knowing that life is hard and I may experience any number of huge losses and painful situations, I now also know that the promises of God that I am eagerly looking forward to may not be fulfilled until after my earthly life is over. Yikes! How can I keep a buoyant heart for the decades of my life that remain despite this reality?

Because of His great love with which He loved us…and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places…that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-7

The hidden wisdom which God ordained before the ages for our glory…Eye has not seen, nor ear heard…the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. 1 Corinthians 2:7-9

I can be confident that God loves me, that He wants me to be with Him forever and that He is going to be kind to me for all of eternity. God has prepared things for me that I cannot even imagine. I may not experience any of them on this side of heaven, but I can be confident that they exist and that they are a part of my inheritance in God. There will be a day when I see Him face to face and I enjoy unbroken communion with Him. And this side of heaven, I can rest in the knowledge that He will always be with me and that He is powerful enough to use any trouble that I experience for His glory and my good. There is truly no difficulty or disappointment that can separate me from the love of Christ as long as I keep saying "Yes" to Him.

Day 35 – Fighting fear as a way to exercise faith

On Day 4, I shared about how I had been impacted by a prophetic message given by Aaron Walsh concerning the relationship between fear and faith. It's been almost exactly a month since I heard this word and God has really, really been using it with me! I want to share an update from my journey with you.

I have literally cut and pasted a chunk of my Day 4 message to remind myself, and you, what his message was:

• In the third dream, Aaron was at a meeting of the global prayer movement. God told them that a far worse shaking was coming, but that the prayer movement is not to fear. The shaking is actually for us. For 6 million years, God has held himself back from a great transfer of finances. However, He is not going to restrain Himself any longer. But, you must believe that God is good to you in His personal provision for you. God said that the war of faith and fear will be fought on the battlefield of personal finance. The way forward: God is going to release a generous spirit that dismantles fear in our hearts. He will use the economic shaking to reveal our fears regarding our personal finances. If we turn to God, He will dismantle our fears and give us faith to trust His provision and be generous with others. God wants to communicate deeply that He is our source.
  
• In the fourth dream, God told Aaron that the Mother of all fears is finance. We attack fear by moving in the opposite spirit. Instead of moving to labor in our hearts to fix the problem, we need to trust in God to provide for us.
  

As I said before, I was deeply impacted by this word. One of the biggest blessings that I am experiencing during internship is that God is dismantling the fears in my heart – thank You Jesus! However, one of the biggest challenges that I am facing every day is that God is dismantling the fears in my heart. J This is what I am asking Him to do, but man is it hard! I have discovered that God is using my fears regarding my personal finances to uncover all of the other fears in my heart too. I have earned a steady income for the past five years of my life. I realize now that I didn't think that I really had to rely on God's provision for myself because I could depend on my salary to pay my bills. But now that I do have to depend on God for my financial provision, I keep finding myself with a zero balance in my check book AND in my savings and I have absolutely NO idea how I am going to pay my monthly bills. In this moment of financial fear, all of the other fears that have been hiding in my heart seem to come pouring out too. It's as if they heard that a fear party may soon be happening in my heart and they don't want to miss out. If I had to summarize these fears, then I would say that I am afraid that God is good to other people, but not me and this is expressed in pretty much every area of my life.

I have a choice every day; usually multiple times a day in various arenas. I can choose to cave in to fear that God does not really love me and does not really have good things specifically for me. Or, I can stop defining God by my circumstances and I can choose to ask Him for help, through prayer, and remind myself of what the Bible tells me is always true of Him. I have yet to be delivered from my fears, but I am finding a greater grace to reach toward Jesus for help faster. I also think that my faith muscle is getting stronger because of the fact that I am able to trust God for longer and longer periods of time before I fall back into unbelief. But, it's a lot of work and I'm not sure that God is going to release me from this process any time soon. I think that He is ecstatic about how much more we are talking every day. And, I think that He really likes how honest I am with Him about my unbelief, when I feel angry because He doesn't do things my way, when I cry out in fear because I am so scared that He's not going to provide for me and I really, really want to make my own plan B, and even when I feel so tired of fighting that I'm not sure I can go on. I believe that God really loves me and that the sound of my voice moves His Father's heart, even when I rail against him because I still see so dimly that He really is all powerful, all knowing, really perfect in love and wisdom and more committed to my happiness than I am. God made me, so He knows better than I do how weak and frail my love and affection really is. He sees how hard it actually is for me to say "Yes" to Him and to trust that He is my source instead of trying to fix the problem myself. I think that this is why His heart really is so moved by every weak glance of my eye and every small submission of my will to His. SOS 4:9 I think that Jesus actually understands how fickle my attention and my affection really are, so He rejoices every time I purpose in my heart to be completely His.

I do not think that this is something unique that God is doing in me. If you are at all interested in or involved in the global prayer movement, i.e. a HOP somewhere, then I am confident that you are either already experiencing this financial shaking or soon will be because this is part of how God is making Jesus' Bride ready. If this is the case, then I would really love to pray for you as I pray for myself and others who are already in this process. Please email me at jodypearcy81@yahoo.com or through Facebook to let me know how I can be praying for you.

Also, if God is stirring you to want to support me financially, then that would be a huge blessing to me because I am still in need of monthly support and trusting God to provide it. You can make checks payable to the Rock River House of Prayer and send them to c/o Laban Hoover, 307 N Highland Ave, Rockford, IL 61107.

 

Day 32 – Not every day is an encounter day

I have officially been here for a month. Yay! And, I have officially had my first day of feeling "blah" in the prayer room. Even as I type this, I want to qualify that statement to sound more spiritual…

But, I think that the reality is that life is not all one great, big, spiritual high; even when you are doing an amazing internship at IHOP-KC.

I think that this is probably a good experience for me to have. I have felt SO blessed over the past month and God has really, really been doing significant work in me. But, life is not just spiritual, it's also natural. I think that I had a natural day today.

I have a huge list of passages of Scripture that we have discussed that I want to review and a pile of books that I have been encouraged to read through. I didn't really want to read through any of it though. So, I tried to participate in worship and intercession. I was even engaging with my mind, not allowing my thoughts to wander as I sometimes do. My heart still did not feel stirred. So, I grabbed my Bible and started studying in Hebrews about how Jesus is our great high priest, how He is tender with us in our weaknesses, and how He died in order to bring us near to Him. This usually moves me, but still nothing. Then, I was reading in John 15 and 17 about how much both God and Jesus love me. But, I still didn't feel emotionally moved.

I started to search my soul to figure out what hidden sin was hindering me from experiencing God's presence. He didn't reveal anything. Then, I started to think that it could be spiritual. God is removing my experience of His presence so that I will pursue Him even more aggressively. This could be true. But, I think that it is just as true that God wants me to remember how to function in the real world where my emotions don't soar at all times. I think that He wants me to know that I am committed to pursuing intimacy with Him even when I am not experiencing an emotional high. I really enjoy when I feel close to God and I am aware of how much He loves me. I prefer feeling that way to the normal feelings that I have now. But, I also don't want to let my feelings dictate what I think about God and whether or not I choose to follow Him.

I choose to love God and obey Him with all that I am because He is worthy of my worship and I want to be obedient to Him. I commit to do this even when I don't feel like it, though I still hope that my feelings will eventually shift. But, even if they don't, He is God and I want to give Him my all because He gave me His all.

Day 30 – My first Life Siege

I did my first Life Siege today and it was pretty intense.

We drove to a Planned Parenthood, put red Life tape over our mouths and then stood, silently praying, along the sidewalk for 45 minutes. I mostly used the Life-KC guide to pray. It encouraged us to focus on Jesus Christ and His blood. The guide also explained that we stand while we pray in order to symbolize that we are "standing" before God and asking Him to release a culture of Life in our city and for Jesus' blood to cover our sins in allowing abortion to continue. These are some of the verses that I meditated on and prayed during this time:

Open your mouth for the speechless, in the cause of all who are appointed to die. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:8-9

Then the LORD said to Moses, "Rise early in the morning and stand…say, Thus says the LORD…Let My people go, that they may serve Me." Exodus 9:13

And Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand still and see the salvation of the LORD…The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:13-14

My sons, do not be negligent now, for the LORD has chosen you to stand before Him, to serve Him and that you should minister to Him and burn. 2 Chronicles 29:11

At the end of the siege, we circled up to share about our experience and take communion together. Then Benjamin, our leader, led us in praying the Life prayer 7 times, singing "What can wash away my sins?" 3 times, and then, crying out to God for mercy. This was a really intense experience for me! And not really because I encountered God is a really powerful way.

I confess that this provoked some of my "fear of man", which is probably a good thing. I found that in between prayers I was feeling worried about what other people were thinking as we stood there with red tape covering our mouths. Then, we started praying, singing and crying out, and I was thinking, "Yikes! We are in the middle of this business park and we are shouting and singing to God. People must think that we are crazy and we are probably disturbing their work right now."

I realized that I usually keep the fact that I am pro-life a secret. I always wear my life bracelet and I will tell you that I am pro-life if you ask me a direct question. But, I almost never take a public stand on this issue. And, I have never participated in such a public demonstration before. But, I love Jesus and I want to be in deep agreement with Him. And, Jesus loves life. He loves creating babies in their mothers' wombs. Jesus knows all of the days that He has ordained for that baby long before the moment of their conception. (Psalm 139:16) I believe that He is deeply grieved over each abortion that takes place because we are committing murder and we are assuming that we are equal to Him and are able to make decisions about who should live and who should die. I believe that Jesus wants to end abortion and I want to stand with Him as He makes intercession before the Father about this issue. I don't want to give in to fear about what other people may think and miss out on a chance to be in agreement with Jesus. So, I commit to standing for Life and to praying for the ending of abortion with Him.

Jesus, I plead your blood over my sins and the sins of my nation. God, end abortion and send revival to America.

Day 29 – Loving God with my all

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. Psalm 139:13-18a

Our morning class this week is the First Commandment with Holly Fields. So, we have been studying Matthew 22:37:

And he said to him, "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind."

We have been talking about what this means. Today, we talked about how your soul can be your personality. God designed each of us with a very specific perspective on the world, a certain sense of humor, and a particular way of interacting with others and our environment. He wants us to love Him with the whole of our personality because our love is unique, which makes it precious to Him. I was so struck by the thought that no one can love God exactly the way that I do. No wonder God desires for each of us to offer our love up to Him! He cannot substitute the love of any one of us for any other one of us. We are unique and God is jealous to have the love and affection that is unique to each of us.

I got even more excited when I was reading through the Song of Solomon study guide. Here is an excerpt from Mike Bickle that develops this idea further:

We all have a unique design from the hand of God in our physical and our personality design. Therefore, we have unique value in the way that God created us. God chose the way we look. He chose our ethnic group, our gender, and our gifting's, as well as our gift mix. Not only did God choose the gifts He put in us, He also chose the ones that He kept from us. In great love and wisdom, He chose the generation that we live in. God chose the family that we would be a part of and He chose our personality and temperament. He chose the way our face looks and the way our body works. David understood that the design of God had a purpose to it. He said, "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me"! Psalm 139:6

God made me exactly the way He wanted me to be. I look the way that I do because God wants me to look this way. I have the strengths that I have because God gave me those gifts. He specifically chose not to give me the gifts that I don't have, even though He knew that I could see other people's gifts and that might provoke my jealousy. He has already written all "the days that [are] ordained for me"! From conception, God has orchestrated everything from my physical body to my family of origin to my educational experience to my cultural history to my personality to my secret history in Him in order to have exactly what He has destined me for. I can't even begin to understand this! How can I have choice and yet God is so sovereign that I arrive exactly where He wants me to arrive, in the end?! How can I doubt this incredible God who rules everything that exists, but desires my love and works to win the affections of my heart? Truly, my God is bigger and better than I can understand. On the other hand, it is comforting to know that I really can spend all of eternity getting to know Him without ever coming to His end.

Day 28 – The swirl

I've started keeping a list of common IHOP-KC phrases. It includes such things as "the swirl", "traffic in your soul", "dial down", "sign back up" and "you need to get off that bus." I don't think that I've started praying the same way they do, yet…it could still happen. J

Seriously though, I am getting SO many wonderful things here that I wish I was a sponge. I want to just suck everything that I am hearing and learning into my being and then integrate all of it into who I am and how I live. If I'm able to do that, then I won't be hugely concerned if I come away from this internship having incorporated a few of the IHOP-KC terms into my vocabulary.

Now, let's get back to the swirl. Yesterday, we had this amazing talk with Sarah Edwards about pursuing physical beauty and health in a way that honors Jesus. She recommended some great Scriptures to study and some tools to use in this pursuit. I charged into the prayer room and started praying everything that she had recommended. After only a little while, I started to feel tired, ashamed that I still have issues in how I view my physical body and pursue health and beauty, and just frustrated that I cannot seem to walk in victory in any area of my life. So, I decided to follow another one of Sarah's recommendations and "slow down my busy soul."

After sitting quietly for about 15 minutes and just trying to enter into worship, I started to feel peaceful as I thought about how amazing God is and how much He loves me. Then, I realized that what happened is that I had taken my focus off of Jesus, the man who is the object of my affections, and moved it onto my problems. I quickly forgot that I want to stop sinning so that I can love this amazing man more and enjoy more uninterrupted relationship with Him. I also disconnected myself from the one who gives me the ability to love Him and stop choosing sin. In one moment, I had lost my motivation and my ability. It's no wonder that I quickly became tired and frustrated! My own strength and motivation is pretty feeble, lasting only about 20 minutes.

As I continued talking with God about what was happening, I think He pointed out how much I like to "do things" for Him. When I hear a list of things that I can do to please God, verses that I can pray through or things that I can pray, my performance mentality is hugely provoked and I spring right into action. I really, really like doing things for God! I really, really like working for Him. And, I know that there is a place for this. As Stuart Greaves said yesterday, "Salvation is a free gift to you, but the maintenance of it or sanctification will cost you everything." I am unable to save myself from sin, though I still try sometimes. But, Jesus does want me to give Him my all in the way that I live for Him now that I have received His salvation.

But again, as Davy pointed out on Friday, I need to first stop, connect with God in intimacy and ask Him what "my all" looks like today. The Holy Spirit wants to set the agenda for how I should invest my resources today. And, if I take the time to meet with Him first and ask for that direction, then I get the added bonus of Him loving me and energizing me in such a way that I will be able to work harder and more effectively AND I will enjoy what I am doing more because it is my love gift to Him.

I will end with a picture that one of my roommates had for me yesterday. She saw me on the back of a moped. My visor was up, I was smiling and my hair was blowing in the wind. I've been praying about it and I think that it speaks, yet again, about the fact that God has invited me to come on a journey with Him. He gets to drive and only He knows where we are going. My job is to hold onto Him, to trust Him and to enjoy the ride. In my experiences on the back of motorcycles/mopeds, I have found that I really do enjoy the ride. It is fun to just hang out and watch everything beautiful going by me. I like feeling the wind on my face and zooming down the open road, even when I'm not sure where we are going. It is nice to just trust the other person to be in control and take me where we are going. I want to do this with God, but I know that I need His help to embrace this. He really is a good leader and I believe that I can trust Him to be in control of this journey. I really don't need to know where we are going and it is still possible for me to enjoy the ride without knowing. So, I'm saying to God, "Yes, I want to come and yes, I want You to drive. And, please help me to enjoy the ride."

Day 26

What God is there who can deliver you out of my hands?...O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire, and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up. Daniel 3:15-18

Dale suggested three questions that Daniel chapter 3 poses:

• Does God have all power? Yes!
  
• Is God able to deliver believers from all problems and trials? Yes!
  
• Does God deliver believers from all troubles and trials? No…Why?
  

We looked at 1 Peter 1:3-9 and we talked about experiencing persecution. Dale said that it is necessary for us to face difficulties and trials because this is how we learn to lean into God and He develops our faith. We do best when we respond to troubles as Daniel and his friends did in Daniel chapter 2: prayer and fasting. We contend for God to deliver us, but we determine to love and obey Him even if He does not deliver us from our difficulties.

I certainly have not faced martyrdom or even real persecution for my faith. But, I have experienced difficult life circumstances, loss that feels painful and hope that is deferred, seemingly indefinitely. In that moment, I have wrestled with whether or not God is really good. I have been tempted to redefine what "good" means in order to make sense of my experience. I confess that I have accused God of being mean to me, on more than one occasion, because I was experiencing great disappointment and hurt over how He was shepherding me and leading my life.

I think that these small troubles and trials that we face are extremely important because they reveal what is in our hearts and minds. God didn't make me think He was mean by how He was treating me. He allowed my circumstance to reveal the lie that was already hiding in my heart. And, in the great and terrible day of the Lord that is fast approaching, we will experience actual persecution and difficulty. If I am believing, in even small ways, that God is mean and not really good because He is not giving me what I want right this second, then what I am going to think about Him when I don't have anything to eat, or everyone I love is put into prison or killed, or I am tortured? How will I stand in that day if I don't practice standing now, in all of the small difficulties that I experience?

I think that God is actually extremely loving and gentle in His leadership in my life. He knows exactly how to lead me, to perfect me and to mature me now so that I will be able to stand and bear witness to the fact that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life in that day. (John 14:6) God knows that I am easily enticed by the current of this world and the instantaneous pleasures of sin that are mine right now, should I pursue them. He is trying to teach me how to go without food, literally, through fasting and to pursue the superior pleasure of loving and knowing Him above every other desire that I find in my heart. God is bringing me into mature love and partnership with Him so that I see Him as the goal of my life rather than as a means to my happiness. In doing this, He is ensuring that my joy will be maximized for all of eternity and that I will not fall away in the days of difficulty that lie ahead. I don't like wrestling with Him, but I would rather practice contending now than be lost later.

Day 25 – What is my all?

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of me. Philippians 2:5-7

My Bible has a note attached to the phrase "emptied Himself". It says that this could also be understood as "laid aside His privileges." In other words, Jesus laid aside His privileges as a member of the triune God so that He could be like us humans. The reason that He wanted to be like us was so that He could demonstrate His perfect love for us by dying in our place.

Davy Flowers spoke at the EGS service tonight. She has been wrestling through the question, "What does it mean to be a radical, wholehearted follower of Jesus Christ in our 21^st century culture?" Davy defined radical Christianity as "the exchange of all for all or willingly surrendering all that I am for all that Christ is." She went on to talk about how Jesus already gave His all for us. As Philippians explains, Jesus gave up the privileges that are rightly His as the all-powerful, God of the universe and became a human man. He took on a human body and all of the frailties that come with it. Then, He took on our sins as well.

But He was pierced through (wounded) for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being (peace) fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed. All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on (encounter) Him. Isaiah 53:5-6

Davy shared this picture that she has of Jesus, standing with the Father, and looking down to earth in love. He saw how desperately wicked we are and how we were dead in our sins. Jesus was so full of love that He had to demonstrate it. So, He left heaven and gave His all in order to encounter the consequences of our sin. Jesus was literally wounded as punishment for the sins that you and I have committed. He gave His all so that He could dwell in relationship with us, face to face, forever.

The question that I began to ask myself as I heard her speak was, "What is my all? What am I, Jody Anne Pearcy, called to offer to Jesus in exchange for what He has given me? What privileges am I willing to lay aside for Him, knowing that He laid aside all of His privileges for me?"

My response is that I am not entirely sure. I have some ideas and I have directed these questions to Jesus. I believe that He wants every square inch of my soul, my money, my thoughts, my personality, my gifts, my hopes and dreams, my time, my energy and my affections. I believe that He cries out "Mine!" over every part of me and I really want Him to have my all, whatever that is. I also believe that He is going to give me the grace to walk this out. As Jesus told the disciples when they asked "Then who can be saved?!" after He called the rich, young ruler to give his all and follow Him.

Looking at them, Jesus said, "With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God." Mark 10:27

If you are a follower of Christ, then He is calling you to give your all. What does that look like? I cannot tell you because only He knows what it means for you to be completely abandoned to Him. Ask Him and I am sure that He will show you and give you the grace that you need to walk it out. This is what I am committing myself to. I am sure that it will be painful in the process, but I really want to stand before Him one day and know that I gave my all in love for Him.

Day 23 – God, our example of perfect emotional health

My heart is stirred by this topic! We came upon it seemingly by accident, but I know God better than to believe that.

As a counselor, I am very interested in emotional health and what that looks like. But, I have never considered God's emotional health before. Andy, one of our core leaders, spoke for a few minutes this morning about what God has been teaching him about His perfect emotions. Andy said this:

God's heart is glad and content because of who He is. He is the most emotionally stable person. God is very emotional and He expresses His emotions perfectly. In contrast, our emotions tend to be more reactive and we often do not respond to them in righteousness. In contrast, God's emotions flow from His perfect heart and being. They come from the place of His righteous settlement in Himself. As a result, they are always righteous in their expression. God is all powerful and always in control. As the Holy Spirit works in me, I am growing in my self-control and beginning to express my emotions in a more righteous way. God is neither stoic nor emotionally explosive. He is perfectly stable in the way that He expresses His emotions.

Again, I love this picture of God setting the example for us in our emotional health! Besides the obvious personal application, I am especially thankful for this today because I have really been asking for wisdom and revelation as I enter this next season in my career. I have never been able to do overtly Christian counseling. I have always believed that counseling is the work of the Holy Spirit and that I can only do counseling as I partner with Him in what He is doing in my clients. But, I'm not sure what to do differently in my practice of counseling now that I have the freedom to be openly Christian. So, this jumped out to me as a new counseling technique that I can use with believers! Or maybe even unbelievers as God increases my boldness….

I can encourage them to get into their Bible to study the emotions of God and recommend specific passages where I see that God has emotions. I can pray with them and ask God to reveal to them how He expresses His emotions perfectly in Scripture. I can pray with them and ask the Holy Spirit to increase their self-control so that they can express their emotions more appropriately. I think that I want to build time for intercession into my R2HOP schedule so that I can pray for my clients and listen to what God is saying to me about them and how to work with them. I have also been thinking about taking time on my fast days to intercede for clients who really need spiritual breakthrough and healing. My heart is beginning to feel stirred for counseling again and I am so thankful!

I was also challenged by a comment that was made during our discussion time. One of my classmates made the comment that God lavishes His love on the whole world, even those that we don't think are deserving of His affection. He does not love in a self-protective way, determining who is going to respond to His love and then loving only those people. God risks being rejected and looking foolish by loving the entire world, but He does it anyways. I don't really love this way at all. I usually decide who I want to love based on how much I like people and how they treat me. I find it easier to love people who are similar to me. I don't like feeling rejected when I love someone and they don't return my love. I feel ashamed and disappointed when I choose to care about someone and they do not reciprocate. I analyze possible outcomes before I choose to love someone so that I know I have a high change of being loved in return before I start expressing that feeling of love toward another person.

I think that I would like to love more like God does. I suspect that this is how He wants me to love too. I also think that His love in my heart will cover any rejection, shame and disappointment that I may feel along the way. Here's to being more emotionally healthy and more lavish in my love.