Day 28 – The swirl

I've started keeping a list of common IHOP-KC phrases. It includes such things as "the swirl", "traffic in your soul", "dial down", "sign back up" and "you need to get off that bus." I don't think that I've started praying the same way they do, yet…it could still happen. J

Seriously though, I am getting SO many wonderful things here that I wish I was a sponge. I want to just suck everything that I am hearing and learning into my being and then integrate all of it into who I am and how I live. If I'm able to do that, then I won't be hugely concerned if I come away from this internship having incorporated a few of the IHOP-KC terms into my vocabulary.

Now, let's get back to the swirl. Yesterday, we had this amazing talk with Sarah Edwards about pursuing physical beauty and health in a way that honors Jesus. She recommended some great Scriptures to study and some tools to use in this pursuit. I charged into the prayer room and started praying everything that she had recommended. After only a little while, I started to feel tired, ashamed that I still have issues in how I view my physical body and pursue health and beauty, and just frustrated that I cannot seem to walk in victory in any area of my life. So, I decided to follow another one of Sarah's recommendations and "slow down my busy soul."

After sitting quietly for about 15 minutes and just trying to enter into worship, I started to feel peaceful as I thought about how amazing God is and how much He loves me. Then, I realized that what happened is that I had taken my focus off of Jesus, the man who is the object of my affections, and moved it onto my problems. I quickly forgot that I want to stop sinning so that I can love this amazing man more and enjoy more uninterrupted relationship with Him. I also disconnected myself from the one who gives me the ability to love Him and stop choosing sin. In one moment, I had lost my motivation and my ability. It's no wonder that I quickly became tired and frustrated! My own strength and motivation is pretty feeble, lasting only about 20 minutes.

As I continued talking with God about what was happening, I think He pointed out how much I like to "do things" for Him. When I hear a list of things that I can do to please God, verses that I can pray through or things that I can pray, my performance mentality is hugely provoked and I spring right into action. I really, really like doing things for God! I really, really like working for Him. And, I know that there is a place for this. As Stuart Greaves said yesterday, "Salvation is a free gift to you, but the maintenance of it or sanctification will cost you everything." I am unable to save myself from sin, though I still try sometimes. But, Jesus does want me to give Him my all in the way that I live for Him now that I have received His salvation.

But again, as Davy pointed out on Friday, I need to first stop, connect with God in intimacy and ask Him what "my all" looks like today. The Holy Spirit wants to set the agenda for how I should invest my resources today. And, if I take the time to meet with Him first and ask for that direction, then I get the added bonus of Him loving me and energizing me in such a way that I will be able to work harder and more effectively AND I will enjoy what I am doing more because it is my love gift to Him.

I will end with a picture that one of my roommates had for me yesterday. She saw me on the back of a moped. My visor was up, I was smiling and my hair was blowing in the wind. I've been praying about it and I think that it speaks, yet again, about the fact that God has invited me to come on a journey with Him. He gets to drive and only He knows where we are going. My job is to hold onto Him, to trust Him and to enjoy the ride. In my experiences on the back of motorcycles/mopeds, I have found that I really do enjoy the ride. It is fun to just hang out and watch everything beautiful going by me. I like feeling the wind on my face and zooming down the open road, even when I'm not sure where we are going. It is nice to just trust the other person to be in control and take me where we are going. I want to do this with God, but I know that I need His help to embrace this. He really is a good leader and I believe that I can trust Him to be in control of this journey. I really don't need to know where we are going and it is still possible for me to enjoy the ride without knowing. So, I'm saying to God, "Yes, I want to come and yes, I want You to drive. And, please help me to enjoy the ride."