Day 64 – Courage in the face of accusation

Once again, I love our Life of David class taught by Clay Edwards. It blesses me every week! We studied 1 Samuel 17 yesterday and talked about how David responded to accusation. Clay presented three types of accusation that David faced in this situation that can be compared to the accusation that we experience.

1. From within: Eliab, David's brother accused him. "Why have you come down? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your insolence and the wickedness of your heart; for you have come down in order to see the battle." 1 Sam 17:28 Eliab accused David of being just a shepherd with a "few sheep". He accused David of having wrong motives and being proud.
   
2. From without: Goliath accused David. "Am I a dog, that you come to me with sticks?" And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.
   1 Sam 17:43 Goliath accused David of being inadequate. He also attacked David verbally by cursing him and threatening his life in verse 44.
   
3. With reason: Saul accused David with reason. "You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him; for you are but a youth while he has been a warrior from his youth." 1 Sam 17:33 Saul accused David by offering the natural perspective. He tried to explain to David that he didn't have the skill set necessary and that he was just too small and too young to be successful.
   

How did David respond to all this accusation?

1. To Eliab:
   And David said, "What have I done now? Is there not a cause?" 1 Sam 17:29 (NKJV) I like the NKJV question: Is there not a cause? David did not respond to Eliab's provocation, but focused on the legitimate cause.
   
2. To Goliath: "I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have taunted. This day the LORD will deliver you up into my hands" 1 Sam 17:45b-46a David understood who God is and He had confidence in God's ability to defeat His enemies.
   
3. To Saul:
   "When a lion or a bear came and took a lamb from the flock, I went out after him and attacked him, and rescued it from his mouth; and when he rose up against me, I seized him by his beard and struck him and killed him. Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; and this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, since he has taunted the armies of the living God." 1 Sam 17:34-36 David understood how God had been training him through his experiences as a shepherd. He explained to Saul that he did have the experience and skills necessary. But more than that, David understood that God was on His side because Goliath had insulted Him. David knew that God would give him the courage and the ability to defeat Goliath.
   

What does this mean for us? Well unfortunately, we have an accuser who accuses us day and night (Rev 12:10). As he did with David, Satan accuses us of having wrong motives and being inadequate because of our past or current struggle with sin. He constantly offers us a natural perspective on our identity and our abilities. He attacks our beliefs about God's provision and tries to make us afraid of failure. Depending on the hopelessness of our situation, we can become extremely fearful and choose to accept this accusation. But, truth flies in the face of these accusations!

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. Rom 8:1

The Holy Spirit gives me the courage to face all of my giants. He helps me define reality by the word of God whereas my flesh defines reality according to what is natural, as I experience it through my 5 senses. The flesh tells me, "I feel …, therefore I am …" For example, "I feel ashamed that I gossiped again and even though I repented, I don't really think that God likes me." But, it is written, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9)." It is also written, "He delivered me because He delighted in me (Psalm 18:19)." I choose to believe what the Bible says instead of how I feel. If I keep reminding myself of the truth long enough, then my feelings usually change too. I want to agree with God and receive courage instead of agreeing with accusation and cowering in fear. I want to run to defeat my enemies the way that David ran to fight Goliath.

Day 63 - Holy Imagination

I love my imagination. I can remember using it to play make-believe when I was little or to daydream when I was bored in school. As I have gotten older, I have discovered that there are other things that I can do with my imagination. Some like creative problem solving and writing can be used in God-honoring ways. But others like fantasizing as a way of dealing with uncomfortable feelings or imagining what I would like to do to people who bother me don't honor God. I am also realizing that they are not healthy for me. Over the past 2 months I have been learning a lot about how to take unhealthy thoughts captive and I think that this has been very helpful. It has been even more helpful to learn about how I can use my imagination to actually encounter God and grow my faith.

We spend a lot of time praying and it's easy to become distracted or bored after a while. We studied Revelation 4 in my Tools for the Prayer Room class. The teacher had us close our eyes and imagine this scene in heaven while we were praying. I discovered that it was much easier to stay engaged in prayer when I was imagining my prayers coming before a real throne that I could see in my imagination. I have also been studying Ezekiel 1, Revelation 1 and Revelation 19 to get additional ideas about what Jesus looks like. I try to picture Him in my mind when I close my eyes and begin praying. There are lots of descriptions that I don't understand, but this leads me into prayer too. I start asking Jesus what certain things mean and for more revelation. I consecrate my imagination to Him and ask Him to use it to help me know Him more.

In another class, we learned a technique to use when reading through the Gospels. This technique reveals what God is like by helping us understand how Jesus interacted with people. First, pick a scene or a passage from the Bible to meditate on. Read it several times and then start breaking it into chunks. Ponder what this was actually like when it happened and ask Jesus to reveal what He was thinking and feeling in that moment. Use your imagination to picture the weather, the time of day, the natural smells and sounds of the scene, and what the expression on Jesus' face would have been. Ask God what this reveals about your heart and how you need to respond to what He is showing you. Imagine that you are one of the people that Jesus is addressing and how you would have felt in that experience.

I've also been attending a class on Fridays called Holy Fascination through the Kansas City Healing Community. They are primarily an inner-healing group, but they also teach classes to help people imagine scenes from the Bible and use their imaginations to meet with Jesus. This has been interesting too because I'm reading a lot about inner healing right now. I really want to be able to do serious restoration work (Isaiah 61 level) and most profound inner healing techniques involve asking Jesus to come and visit people in their traumatic memories. I'm practicing using these techniques on myself to see how they might work for others and I have been really encouraged by the results.

The combination of all of these things is that I am using my imagination much differently. Whenever I start to use it, I am training myself to imagine that Jesus is there with me. If I am trying to use my imagination to escape something, then Jesus is there with me and we can have a dialogue about what is bothering me. I find it much harder to fantasize when Jesus is standing next to me in my imagination and I find it much easier to choose to love and obey Him when I can imagine Him as a real man. This has also been helping me to grow in my belief that God enjoys me even in my weakness. I know that God is mostly glad, but that doesn't feel true when I am struggling with sin and having to talk with Him about it. If I take a minute to first imagine that God is giving me a great big smile and telling me that He is happy that I want to connect with Him, then that difficult conversation becomes much easier. I feel much more natural grief over hurting His heart with my sin and a much greater desire to turn and walk in obedience when I picture Jesus as a real person that I want to be in relationship with. I am discovering that this, like everything else, is a process, but I am excited that God is redeeming my imagination and teaching me how to use it for His glory and my pleasure. J

Day 57 – Peace; a byproduct of Truth

Dale is teaching us this week and we are talking about the 2^nd coming of Christ and what His return to earth will be like. He was talking about how there will be a lot of delusion and people will be saying, "Peace and safety!" and then destruction will come (1 Thes 5:3). Dale said that peace, as we pursue it through compromise, is not true peace. True peace is found when we agree with Jesus Christ, who is truth (John 14:6). At His 2^nd coming, Jesus is actually going to bring war to the earth. He will fight against everyone who does not agree with Him and His right to rule and reign upon the earth. He will bring judgment to everyone who has not repented for their sins and come into agreement with His view of sin. Ultimately, there will be peace on earth, under Jesus' perfect leadership. But, this peace will not come through compromise. Every person will be given a choice: submit to Jesus' leadership of your life and your city and your nation or die. This will be a hostile takeover for everyone who has not surrendered to Jesus already.

This is SO intense! It challenges me to examine my life and look for places that are not surrendered to Jesus. He will be king over all of me and this whole world. I want to start living according to this reality now so that I don't experience His 2^nd coming as a hostile takeover. I would prefer to give up my carnal pursuits rather than have them wrenched away from me.

Then I looked, and I heard the voice of many angels around the throne and the living creatures and the elders; and the number of them was myriads of myriads, and thousands of thousands, saying with a loud voice, "Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing." Revelation 5:11-12

Jesus is worthy of all of this today. He is worthy of all of my power or my physical strength. Jesus is worthy of all of my finances and directing how I use them. He is worthy of my wisdom or my thoughts and intellect. Jesus is worthy of all of my might or the skills and gifts that He has given to me. He is worth all of my honor, my glory and my blessing. Any time that someone compliments me and recognizes me for something, I can point them back to Jesus and say He is the one who is really worthy of your admiration and praise. He is the one who makes me who I am and offers you help, comfort and salvation.

I think that this would be a good habit for me to start developing now. It will help me be ready for the day when Jesus is actually king over the whole earth, with a throne in Jerusalem. I will be ready to pay homage to my King from years of practicing.

I also think that this is important in order to protect me from pride. As the Holy Spirit is poured out on all flesh in the last days (Acts 2, Joel 2), I believe that God will use me to prophecy and perform many signs and wonders. I hope and pray that I will be anointed, as Jesus was, to "bind up the brokenhearted and proclaim liberty to captives" (Isa 61:1). I am beginning to imagine myself working with abused orphans and rescued victims of human trafficking. These precious ones can only be restored by the blood and power of Jesus. I am asking Him to equip and release me into this type of counseling work and I hope that He will use me powerfully. I realize that this may tempt the people who receive help from me to worship me, as they did with Paul and Barnabas (Acts 14). I may even be tempted to accept their worship for myself. But, this would be a terrible form of idolatry. I don't want to put myself or anyone that I minister to in this position. I would rather preach the gospel and point everyone to Jesus, as the true Savior of the world. I want to proclaim that I am the servant of an incredible King who is worthy of all of their adoration.

Day 56

I know that it's been a few days since I've posted a blog entry. It's just been really busy here; as usual. But, here are a few highlights from the past few days:

Sunday FCF service with Mike Bickle: He preached on the Humility of God. Mike talked about how humility is part of God's eternal nature and that Jesus has existed eternally in the form of God as a servant. I had never thought of this before. I, like most Gentiles, tend to focus on Jesus being God, which He is. I thought that His humility came when He took on human flesh and came to earth. I didn't realize that Jesus was just as humble before He became a man as He is now. Mike also said that meekness is power under control, which I really liked. Jesus has perfect power under perfect control. Wow.

Mike also mentioned that people never knew how superior Jesus' abilities were. Can you imagine?! Even when He was doing miracles, people just thought that He was an anointed prophet. They had no idea that Jesus was actually God. I don't like to be misunderstood or when people underestimate me. I am usually quick to correct people when this happens. But, Jesus was content to be ordinary. Every time that people treated Him as a normal man, they underestimated Him. I also care A LOT about my reputation, although I am working through this as I renounce my fear of man. But, Jesus was not concerned about His reputation (Phil 2:6-8). He never insisted that people treat Him as He deserved to be treated, although He honored people like the centurion who recognized Him as a man of authority.

Finally Mike talked about how the very fact that God loves and enjoys weak and broken humans like us reveals His humility. He could not feel affection towards us if He was proud and insisted on what He deserved. Jesus could have won everyone's allegiance in one second if He would have come to earth in His full glory and power. We would have been completely dazzled, the way I often am by celebrities. But, Jesus wanted to win our hearts for love, so He decided to come as an extremely ordinary man (Isa 53:2-3). He is like the prince who disguises his true identity in order to be loved for himself rather than his privileges.

Monday: Toward the end of the 4 AM intercession set, we sang in the Spirit for a good 20 minutes and it was really cool. I kept thinking of Song of Solomon 4:9:

You have made my heart beat faster, my sister, my bride; you have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes, with a single strand of your necklace.

I just imagined how moved God's heart must have been to hear all of our voices lifting up to Him simultaneously. If a single glance of my eye makes His heart beat faster, than how does He feel when over 100 people sing straight to His heart from their spirits? I hope that His heart felt exuberant at our praises and that our affection for Him brought a great big smile to His face. I hope that we are a welcome resting place for His Spirit on the earth in the midst of evil all around.

Tuesday: We talked about how Jesus is looking for friends in our large core group meeting today. We discussed people like Moses, John the Baptist, John the Beloved and Peter and what being a friend means.

The combination of all of these things has been encouraging me to think more and more about Jesus' humanity and how I impact Him when I engage in relationship with Him.

Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am… John 17:24

Jesus wants me to be with Him. He likes me and He calls me His friend (John 15). I want to be a good friend to Him. I want to be near Him and to bring joy to His heart. I know that Jesus makes intercession before the Father and I want to join Him as the disciplines did in the garden of Gethsemane. I want to watch and pray with Him as they did. I don't think that I actually understand what it means to be Jesus' friend, but I want to and I'm asking Him to make me His friend.

Day 52 – Come up here

I really, really want to have an encounter with Jesus! I would like to visit heaven, in a dream or a vision. I want to see angels. I have wanted this for a while, but this desire just keeps increasing over the course of my internship. I keep hearing from all of these people who have had encounters and I am provoked to jealousy (godly, I hope). I want one!

On Wednesday, Julie Meyer talked to us about dreams and shared some of the significant dreams that God has given her in recent years. She thinks that one of the things that make dreams so great is that God comes to you. I had never thought of it in those terms, but it's true! All I do is go to sleep. God does all the rest. Julie also challenged us to get the Bible into our minds and hearts. She challenged us by stating that we will dream about what captures our attention during the day. If I'm worrying about different situations in my life, I often find that I dream about them. Or, if I am spending lots of time reading a book or watching a TV series, I have also found that I will dream about them. So, I want to make God the thing in my head that takes up the most space. I want conversation with Him or thinking about Him as I read or remember or sing Scriptures to be what captures my attention during the day because I really, really want to encounter Him while I sleep.

Julie has had several heavenly dreams. She told us that she started having them after she committed to asking for them over the period of a few years. Julie mentioned that she meditated on Revelation 4:1:

After these things I looked, and behold, a door standing open in heaven, and the first voice which I had heard, like the sound of a trumpet speaking with me, said, "Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after these things."

Julie did a word study on this verse and she said that the "come up here" is repetitive. God wants us to come up there again and again and again. Julie took this verse as a personal promise and started asking God to bring her up to heaven. She challenged us to believe this verse too and to own the idea that God wants to reveal Himself to us in dreams. He would love to bring us up to encounter Him in heaven. We just need to start asking.

This was also meaningful to me because I have been studying Revelation 4 and Ezekiel 1. I really want to have a mental picture of what God's throne room looks like so that I when I am praying I can imagine that I am right there. I am a real person praying to a real God who sits on a real throne in a real place! But, it's been challenging because some of this stuff makes no sense to me. I am a very visual person, but I keep reading these passages over and over again and I'm still having a hard time forming a mental picture of what these living creatures look like (Eze 1:5-25, Rev 4:6-9) and what God looks like (Eze 1, Rev 4). But, I want to know! So, I am going to keep studying and keep asking God to increase my revelation.

I got fired up even more when I noticed that Ezekiel was 30 when he had his first vision (Eze 1:1)! I had forgotten this, but Levites would begin their service as a priest when they turned 30. I am in my 30^th year and I am a part of a priestly family, on earth and in heaven. I want to have heavenly visions! I want to receive the word of the Lord the way that Ezekiel did and I want to minister before God in the place of prayer and worship. So, I'm asking God to let me come up there. And, I actually think that this is available to all of us. So, if your heart is feeling stirred and you have a desire to go up there too; then start asking. I think that God would love to bring all of us up for a preview of coming attractions: heaven!

Day 51 – Yes by Yes

We had a special guest speaker at PHD (Prophecy, Healing and Deliverance) class on Wednesday: Julie Meyer. She was amazing! And, really, really funny and engaging, which is always helpful during afternoon classes. Julie talked to us about dreams and shared some of the significant dreams that God has given her in recent years. One of the words that God gave her in a dream really challenged me. He told her, "Day by day, step by step, choice by choice, and yes by yes." Julie said that God promised her that He would do the big transformative work in her life and heart if she would be faithful to say "Yes" to Him in the small choices of her daily life. Then, she gave two examples of how this worked in her life: her speech and in fasting.

Julie told a funny story about how she was shopping in Dollar General on a fast day and really wanted to buy a candy bar. She said that all of the candy bars in the checkout lane were calling her name and jumping up and down. But, Julie remembered that it was a fast day and felt the Holy Spirit tell her that this was a tiny opportunity for her to say "Yes" to Him. She left with her purchase and felt victorious in having made one more small choice that said "Yes." With regard to her speech, Julie told us that she actually keeps a cork in her bathroom. Sometimes she puts it in her mouth when she is getting ready. Julie will look at herself in the mirror and tell herself that this is what she needs to do whenever she wants to speak critically or complain. She tries to imagine herself with the cork in her mouth during the day when she feels tempted to say something that she knows will dishonor God. I love it!

The main reason that I really liked her suggestions is that it feels much more positive to try and say "Yes" to Jesus all day long than to say "No" to sin. I really want to "fight the good fight" against sin and I've been trying to say "No" whenever it presents itself. But, I have noticed that this can be discouraging. I sin A LOT, every day. After a while, I feel tired of saying "No" and watching for sin that I want to do. I also feel frustrated that I still want to sin. Saying "Yes" to Jesus, on the other hand, feels fantastic. I love to offer my "Yes" to Him and I feel a swell of His pleasure and affection for me every time I do this. Sometimes, I do it just for fun, in random places. In my heart I say, "Yes, Jesus. I love you. I say yes to You." And then there is this tickle in my Spirit because I know that He loves my yes. God loves it when I come into agreement with Him!

So, please be encouraged. This is for everyone, but especially for those who are really struggling with condemnation. If you are saying "Yes" to Jesus, then He is NOT condemning you! That is the enemy and you can tell him to "SHUT UP!" God is SO gracious towards us! The Holy Spirit convicts us of sin because He loves us and He wants our good. He knows that sin will only ensnare us and steal our joy, peace and, most importantly, our intimacy and connection with God. God wants us to have unbroken communion with Him because He knows that this is what gives us the most satisfaction. He disciplines us because He loves us and we are His legitimate children! Commit to obey God and just focus on saying "Yes" to Him all day long. If you fall into sin, just repent and keep going. Start saying "Yes" again. If you say "Yes" in the small things, with the grace that God gives you, then He will be faithful to set you free from sin, conform you to His image and renew your mind.

Day 49 – Coming home…

I am feeling excited and anxious about coming home in a month. I am VERY excited to see my family and friends. I feel energized and joyful about continuing to build R2HOP and serving in some new ways there. Every time that I read Isaiah 61, I feel so thankful that I get to partner with Jesus in healing the broken hearted and proclaiming liberty to the captives through my work as a counselor. It's the idea of resuming "normal life" that has me feeling nervous. I am just not sure how to maintain all of the good changes that God has been making in me and the new ideas and practices that have taken root in my life when my entire schedule and all of my activities don't expressly facilitate this. I don't know what will happen when I have to create my own structure to continue what God has been doing in me here.

I think that I'm experiencing the tension between living in the spiritual and living in the natural again. We just started a new class this morning: End-Times with Blaise Foret. (Blaise is one of our main core leaders and my apt. has decided he is like a younger Corey Russell, if that gives you any ideas about his personality and teaching style.) We studied Matthew 24 and began talking about the "birth pangs" and the "tribulation". Blaise especially highlighted how important it is for us to be spiritually alert and prepared so that we can stay faithful to Jesus and endure those difficulties. This class was really intense and I left feeling really wound up. I want to give myself over to studying the End-Times in the Bible more and getting ready for the End-Times! But, on the other hand, I'm starting to think more and more about coming home and resuming work and my "normal life". I know that these are also good things and that they are important to the Lord, but they are very different.

I find myself thinking, "How do I do both well? How do I continue to pursue intimacy with God aggressively and to give Him my all at the same time that I work a job, enjoy relationship with my family and friends and be faithful in all of my "normal life" responsibilities? How does this work, God?!" I really think that it's both for me. I don't feel called to become a mystic and to pull away from the world completely so that I can just gaze on God's beauty. I think that would be really nice, but when He is really filling me up with the fullness of God, there is so much extra love in me that I want to direct it towards someone else. I hope that counseling will be a natural outlet for me to express all of that extra love. But, this world is so enticing! How can I live here and be a part of it without being sucked into giving into my raging appetites for entertainment, affirmation, comfort, and success? How do I resist the fear of man when it calls out to me to modify my pursuit of God or minimize my message that Jesus is coming back soon in order to obtain approval and avoid judgment?

I actually had a dream about the fear of man last night and I'm going to share part of it because I think that God has been giving me the answer, at least to that question.

I was counseling a girl in one corner of a large room that was full of people. I let out a roar at one point and everyone turned to look at me. I felt extremely embarrassed and immediately began apologizing and trying to rationalize my behavior. Shortly after this, a demonic man approached me and told me that he had received permission to come against me and oppress me for a period of time. I could actually feel and hear a heavy weight come down on my bed, next to me, as I slept. I began to cry out to Jesus for help. I called out "Beautiful One!" again and again until I felt the weight lift. I was reminded of the lyrics to a song that we often sing in the prayer room, "I love the Lord because He heard my cry and He delivered me from all of my fears." I began saying this chorus to Jesus again and again because I felt so grateful that He had listened to my cry for help and come to rescue me. Then I saw that I was holding a pink, fuzzy vest. I liked it, but I wasn't sure what it was or how to wear it. It buttoned up the back and had a really cool black, white and color logo for "Eternal City" on the inside. I asked Jesus, "What is this?" and I heard, "Encounter with Love." I understood that it was a sort of bullet-proof vest made just for me and that Jesus had to help me put it on and secure it.

I struggle a lot with the fear of man. I think that the roar represents my spirit man who wants to take the kingdom of God by violence. But, I often cave in to fear when I think that everyone is looking at me, especially if they aren't Christians. I start trying to change my message in order to avoid their judgment. But this actually opens me up to more serious spiritual attack. It is Jesus, the "Beautiful One", who is able to deliver me from all of my fears and it is He who protects me with an "encounter with love." I think that the solution for me to come home and resume "normal life" will be to maintain a focus on Jesus and to keep encountering His love on a daily basis. I don't know the exact nature of all the fears that I will face upon reentry, but I do know the Beautiful One who is able to deliver me from all of them.

Day 46 – Does God really want our good?

I have been reading through the book of Jeremiah and it has been challenging some of my ideas about how God is really good.

They shall be My people, and I will be their God; and I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me always, for their own good and for the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; and I will put the fear of Me in their hearts so that they will not turn away from Me. I will rejoice over them to do them good and will faithfully plant them in this land with all My heart and with all My soul. For thus says the LORD, 'Just as I brought all this great disaster on this people, so I am going to bring on them all the good that I am promising them.' (Jeremiah 32:38-42)

The word good is used 5 times in these 4 verses. God is for Israel's good. He is for the good of Israel's children. He commits to planting Israel in their land with all of His heart and His soul. All of this good and these promises are really encouraging until you remember that Jeremiah is receiving this word from God while He is in prison. He was "shut up in the court of the guard" (Jer 32:2) because the king was mad that he was prophesying the destruction of Jerusalem. And, this is after Jeremiah was thrown into the dungeon (Jer 37:16) and then rescued from being thrown into a cistern to starve to death (Jer 38:6-9). And, this is all at the same time that the city of Jerusalem is under siege by Babylon.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure that I would be that interested in hearing about the "good" that God had planned for my city and my people if I had suffered like Jeremiah. Even if I was interested, it would be really hard to believe that God really wanted our good when I looked at the natural circumstances of living in a besieged city, being unjustly persecuted and imprisoned, and being on the verge of either death or living in captivity for 70 years. And yet, there it is in Jeremiah 32. God is clearly talking to Jeremiah about how much He loves Israel and how committed He is to their good.

This is really hard for me to understand and my life circumstances aren't even that difficult. I am really praying and asking God to convince me that He is for my good no matter what I see when I look at what is happening around me and to me. I think that this is important now and I can imagine that it will be even more important in the days to come. As I read what the Bible says about the last days before Jesus returns again, things sound extremely difficult. If I don't learn how to persevere through difficulty while maintaining the belief that God is good now, then what will I do in those days?

I think of Hebrews 12:15: See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled…

This verse reminds me to pay attention to what is happening in my heart and mind in response to my life. I am trying to train myself to start asking the following question every day: How do I respond when I get what I don't think I deserve or when I don't get what I think that I do deserve? In other words, what promotions and rewards do I think I deserve that I am not getting? Is there anything or anyone who is offending me? Am I feeling mistreated or thinking that I am getting something that I do not deserve? What are my expectations for how God and others should be treating me? My answers to these kinds of questions can reveal where bitterness toward God or others is springing up in my heart; where I am tempted to believe that God is not really good or for my good. Knowing this helps me know when and how I need to repent and remind myself of truth. God is good. I want to believe this because it's true, not because it seems true in my life.

Day 45 – My fight

The Conflict of the Two Natures: Romans 7:14-25

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not…For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members… (Verses 18, 22)

Deliverance from Bondage: Romans 8:1-25

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace…So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh—for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. (Verses 1, 3-6, 12-13)

I am experiencing this struggle that Paul describes so well in Romans. I am learning so many things and encountering the love of God, but still struggling with the same old sins. How can this be?! This happens because sanctification is a transformative process that happens over time.

For this, I really appreciate how IHOP-KC encourages us to define our identity: God loves me and I love God, but I struggle with sin. As God lavishes His love on me, I feel love back towards Him and my hatred for sin grows. I become like the violent men from John 11:12 who are seizing the kingdom of heaven. I commit to love and obey God again. But usually, after only a few short minutes, I find myself sinning again. So I repent and recommit. And then, I sin yet again. And this goes on and on, all day, every day.

Without fail, this endless cycle eventually leads to me feeling frustrated and discouraged. I want to give up, but I know that there are only two sides in this struggle: Jesus and Satan. I am sure that I don't want to change sides, but I'm not sure how to handle my heart given the reality of my struggle with sin. Fortunately several of my teachers have reminded us of another IHOP-KC mantra: "If you don't quit, then you win." I really think that this is an important reminder for me.

It's actually humbling, in a good way, for me to repent over and over again every day. It is my pride that says, "I'm tired of failure. I'm not committing to obey anymore." God hates pride and He's helping me to hate it too (Prov 8:13). If this process will destroy my pride, then I want to embrace it wholeheartedly. My flesh is weak, it's true. But, my spirit is willing and God is making it stronger every day. Again, God seems to be inviting me to embrace my weakness and I commit to saying "Yes" as many times as it takes.

Day 41 – Message to the Exiles

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

I think almost everyone has heard this verse at some point in their life. As Corey Russell says, it's popular for graduation cards and we usually use it to encourage people when life is feeling difficult. But, do you realize that this message was actually sent to the exiles in Babylon at the beginning of their 70 year captivity?! God wanted to encourage them because they would be in exile for the next 70 years. He also directed them to establish themselves in Babylon (verses 4-7). This really struck me today and I started thinking about how our life here on earth, waiting for Jesus' second coming, is like being in exile.

Having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth…But as it is, they desire a better county, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not [ashamed of them, to be] called their God; for He has prepared a city for them. Hebrews 11:13b, 16

In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. John 14:2-3

Seek the welfare [or peace] of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare [or peace] you will have welfare [or peace]. Jeremiah 29:7

This earth is not my home. I am an exile here while Jesus prepares a place for me in heaven. My true home is in heaven with Him for all of eternity. I desire to live in that home because I know that it is better to be with Jesus. But, for the time being, God has called me to live here, on earth. And, He asks me to pray for the welfare or peace of the earthly city where He has placed me.

In this context, I think that Jeremiah 29:11 is actually a promise that heaven is for real. I like to use this verse whenever I am wrestling with God because I perceive that He won't give me something that I want. I say to Him, "You said that You have plans for my welfare and NOT for calamity, to give me a future and a hope. I don't think that You are holding up Your end of the bargain when I look at my circumstances." But, it may be that I just have the wrong application of this Scripture. Instead of trying to use it to persuade God to change my circumstances, I can ask God to use it to change my heart and to help me live for eternity.

I also want to do my part to pray for the welfare and peace of my city so that I can join the global prayer movement that hastens the day of the LORD's return (2 Peter 3:12). I want to send up all the prayer and worship that I can to fill up those golden bowls of incense that are in heaven (Rev 5:8). I want to contribute to the songs to Jesus that are going to cover the entire earth before He returns (Isa 42:10-12). These are things that I can do now in anticipation of the day when God will bring me home.

Day 39 – There is a treasure in me

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

John Begel spoke at the Encountering God Service (EGS) last night and his message was powerful. I strongly encourage you to listen to it through the archives. He began by talking about how God chooses to hide His treasure in the strangest places, meaning us. John went on to talk about how it seems to delight God to keep people in a place a weakness and this is what I want to focus on.

And He (Jesus) has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9a

Blessed (or happy) are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:3

God loves to bring His incredible power and His loving presence into my life when I am weak. He also seems to protect me in weakness. As John said, "Satan can smell pride a solar system away" and God uses weakness to protect us from becoming prideful. All of this was somewhat familiar to me. I was thinking, "This is a good reminder", but I wasn't feel really challenged. That happened next…

John shared that God had started challenging him with Matthew 5:3. God told John that He was having a hard time working with him because John didn't know how to be poor in spirit because he was always trying to be rich. This really impacted me because I am also always trying to be rich. And not just financially, although I will be honest and say that I pray for that too. But, I want to be rich in the greater sense in that I want to be free from sin and struggle and pain and fear and jealousy and insecurity and anger…I think you get the picture.

I was already convicted. But John went on to identify 4 high places that I have definitely been worshipping at and I was convicted further:

• Self-glorification: I make a name for me. I seek to earn recognition, affirmation and approval from people. (This is when I tell you things about me that I hope will impress you so that you will compliment me and I can feel really special.)
  
• Self-gratification: I want my life to work well. Please! I want to be successful, comfortable and I want all of my relationships and tasks to operate smoothly. (But, really, who doesn't? Although that doesn't make it any more right…)
  
• Self-falsification/promotion: I misrepresent myself so that I look better to others and get more of that recognition that I enjoy so much. (This is when I make up an answer to a counseling question that someone asks me because I really don't know, but I don't want them to know that.)
  
• Self-sufficiency: I want to take care of myself. I want to be financially independent, emotionally stable, intellectually brilliant, physically strong and completely holy all by myself. (This is when I think that I really can earn my salvation because I am such a good person.)
  

I wept as I repented at the end of the service. I was so grieved to see that I still have quite a little kingdom devoted to me. I felt so thankful that I could turn my eyes to my sympathetic high priest, Jesus Christ, and ask Him to forgive me (Heb 4:15). I felt so grateful that He loves me too much to leave me enslaved to sin. I asked Jesus to help me to follow His perfect example: to die to myself and to live for God. I also asked God to help me to embrace weakness and frailty in my life since He longs to encounter me in that place. I have been trying to get rid of my weaknesses for my whole life or at least to hide them so that no one can see them. I had not realized that God would keep revealing them because it is in my weakness that He most wants to connect with me and lavish His love upon me. It is in my weakness that He can best display the treasure that He has hidden within me: Himself. For when my little earthen vessel is broken, then the light of His glory shines out most spectacularly.

Day 36 – Life is hard. How do I keep a buoyant heart?

My new class this week is Jesus: the Bridegroom with Brett Maverich. It's been challenging in a really good way. We have been talking a lot about the Bridal paradigm. This is basically a framework for processing life that believes that Jesus loves us and wants to live in intimate relationship and partnership with us for all of eternity. Brett talked about how everyone has a paradigm that they use to process their life. Life is really hard and our paradigm will influence how we approach pain, suffering, disappointment and difficult circumstances. When I believe that God is love and that His will is actually His overflowing heart for human beings, then I can trade in my hurt for joy and love. When I don't believe that God is love, then I will be more likely to choose anger and bitterness when I experience pain or difficulty in my life.

Now before this conversation happened, we had an equally challenging discussion in my Life of David class yesterday. We talked a lot about eternity and how our life on this earth is a really short span of time in comparison to forever. Clay Edwards asked the question, "How do you know that the prophetic promises you have received from God are for now? What if they are for the millennial kingdom, when we will rule the earth with Christ? What if you only experience partial fulfillment of God's calling on your life this side of heaven? How will you respond then?"

I must confess that this has opened up a lot of dialogue with God in my heart. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about eternity. I'm pretty focused on my life here on earth. And, as a 30 year old who has experienced tremendous blessing in life, I can tell you that I have already been tempted with disillusionment because things are not working out the way that I thought they would. God has not done a lot of the things that I thought He would have done in my life by now. And it hurts my feelings and makes quitting seem really enticing. But, I can normally get myself excited again by thinking, "Well, God just hasn't done it yet. But, He will! Or, He's going to do something even better that I never thought of instead." Then, I can keep going and my heart can stay tender toward Him. So, when Clay started suggesting that I may not see God fulfill some of the things that I am waiting for until eternity; that kind of stopped me. What?! Then, to make matters worse, he started focusing on how I would respond if that was the case. At that time, I started experiencing some real difficulty. What?!! You mean I might wait for the rest of my life for God to do these things that I desire to see Him do AND think that He told me He wants to do and I could still potentially enter heaven with them unfulfilled? Please tell me that this is not actually a possibility that I need to consider!

Then, this morning, Brett was talking about keeping a tender heart before the LORD. He told this story of a woman in her eighties who has experienced tremendous pain and loss in her life; much more than I have experienced. Yet, she has a joyful and tender heart toward God. She has continually walked with Jesus in such a way that she has chosen to allow Him to comfort her in her sufferings rather than become bitter and resentful toward God. This woman has decided that God's love is enough for her, no matter what difficulties she may experience. Now I'm really in a bind. I want to have that kind of tender heart toward God, all the days of my life, regardless of my circumstances. But, in addition to knowing that life is hard and I may experience any number of huge losses and painful situations, I now also know that the promises of God that I am eagerly looking forward to may not be fulfilled until after my earthly life is over. Yikes! How can I keep a buoyant heart for the decades of my life that remain despite this reality?

Because of His great love with which He loved us…and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places…that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-7

The hidden wisdom which God ordained before the ages for our glory…Eye has not seen, nor ear heard…the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. 1 Corinthians 2:7-9

I can be confident that God loves me, that He wants me to be with Him forever and that He is going to be kind to me for all of eternity. God has prepared things for me that I cannot even imagine. I may not experience any of them on this side of heaven, but I can be confident that they exist and that they are a part of my inheritance in God. There will be a day when I see Him face to face and I enjoy unbroken communion with Him. And this side of heaven, I can rest in the knowledge that He will always be with me and that He is powerful enough to use any trouble that I experience for His glory and my good. There is truly no difficulty or disappointment that can separate me from the love of Christ as long as I keep saying "Yes" to Him.

Day 35 – Fighting fear as a way to exercise faith

On Day 4, I shared about how I had been impacted by a prophetic message given by Aaron Walsh concerning the relationship between fear and faith. It's been almost exactly a month since I heard this word and God has really, really been using it with me! I want to share an update from my journey with you.

I have literally cut and pasted a chunk of my Day 4 message to remind myself, and you, what his message was:

• In the third dream, Aaron was at a meeting of the global prayer movement. God told them that a far worse shaking was coming, but that the prayer movement is not to fear. The shaking is actually for us. For 6 million years, God has held himself back from a great transfer of finances. However, He is not going to restrain Himself any longer. But, you must believe that God is good to you in His personal provision for you. God said that the war of faith and fear will be fought on the battlefield of personal finance. The way forward: God is going to release a generous spirit that dismantles fear in our hearts. He will use the economic shaking to reveal our fears regarding our personal finances. If we turn to God, He will dismantle our fears and give us faith to trust His provision and be generous with others. God wants to communicate deeply that He is our source.
  
• In the fourth dream, God told Aaron that the Mother of all fears is finance. We attack fear by moving in the opposite spirit. Instead of moving to labor in our hearts to fix the problem, we need to trust in God to provide for us.
  

As I said before, I was deeply impacted by this word. One of the biggest blessings that I am experiencing during internship is that God is dismantling the fears in my heart – thank You Jesus! However, one of the biggest challenges that I am facing every day is that God is dismantling the fears in my heart. J This is what I am asking Him to do, but man is it hard! I have discovered that God is using my fears regarding my personal finances to uncover all of the other fears in my heart too. I have earned a steady income for the past five years of my life. I realize now that I didn't think that I really had to rely on God's provision for myself because I could depend on my salary to pay my bills. But now that I do have to depend on God for my financial provision, I keep finding myself with a zero balance in my check book AND in my savings and I have absolutely NO idea how I am going to pay my monthly bills. In this moment of financial fear, all of the other fears that have been hiding in my heart seem to come pouring out too. It's as if they heard that a fear party may soon be happening in my heart and they don't want to miss out. If I had to summarize these fears, then I would say that I am afraid that God is good to other people, but not me and this is expressed in pretty much every area of my life.

I have a choice every day; usually multiple times a day in various arenas. I can choose to cave in to fear that God does not really love me and does not really have good things specifically for me. Or, I can stop defining God by my circumstances and I can choose to ask Him for help, through prayer, and remind myself of what the Bible tells me is always true of Him. I have yet to be delivered from my fears, but I am finding a greater grace to reach toward Jesus for help faster. I also think that my faith muscle is getting stronger because of the fact that I am able to trust God for longer and longer periods of time before I fall back into unbelief. But, it's a lot of work and I'm not sure that God is going to release me from this process any time soon. I think that He is ecstatic about how much more we are talking every day. And, I think that He really likes how honest I am with Him about my unbelief, when I feel angry because He doesn't do things my way, when I cry out in fear because I am so scared that He's not going to provide for me and I really, really want to make my own plan B, and even when I feel so tired of fighting that I'm not sure I can go on. I believe that God really loves me and that the sound of my voice moves His Father's heart, even when I rail against him because I still see so dimly that He really is all powerful, all knowing, really perfect in love and wisdom and more committed to my happiness than I am. God made me, so He knows better than I do how weak and frail my love and affection really is. He sees how hard it actually is for me to say "Yes" to Him and to trust that He is my source instead of trying to fix the problem myself. I think that this is why His heart really is so moved by every weak glance of my eye and every small submission of my will to His. SOS 4:9 I think that Jesus actually understands how fickle my attention and my affection really are, so He rejoices every time I purpose in my heart to be completely His.

I do not think that this is something unique that God is doing in me. If you are at all interested in or involved in the global prayer movement, i.e. a HOP somewhere, then I am confident that you are either already experiencing this financial shaking or soon will be because this is part of how God is making Jesus' Bride ready. If this is the case, then I would really love to pray for you as I pray for myself and others who are already in this process. Please email me at jodypearcy81@yahoo.com or through Facebook to let me know how I can be praying for you.

Also, if God is stirring you to want to support me financially, then that would be a huge blessing to me because I am still in need of monthly support and trusting God to provide it. You can make checks payable to the Rock River House of Prayer and send them to c/o Laban Hoover, 307 N Highland Ave, Rockford, IL 61107.