I am feeling excited and anxious about coming home in a month. I am VERY excited to see my family and friends. I feel energized and joyful about continuing to build R2HOP and serving in some new ways there. Every time that I read Isaiah 61, I feel so thankful that I get to partner with Jesus in healing the broken hearted and proclaiming liberty to the captives through my work as a counselor. It's the idea of resuming "normal life" that has me feeling nervous. I am just not sure how to maintain all of the good changes that God has been making in me and the new ideas and practices that have taken root in my life when my entire schedule and all of my activities don't expressly facilitate this. I don't know what will happen when I have to create my own structure to continue what God has been doing in me here.
I think that I'm experiencing the tension between living in the spiritual and living in the natural again. We just started a new class this morning: End-Times with Blaise Foret. (Blaise is one of our main core leaders and my apt. has decided he is like a younger Corey Russell, if that gives you any ideas about his personality and teaching style.) We studied Matthew 24 and began talking about the "birth pangs" and the "tribulation". Blaise especially highlighted how important it is for us to be spiritually alert and prepared so that we can stay faithful to Jesus and endure those difficulties. This class was really intense and I left feeling really wound up. I want to give myself over to studying the End-Times in the Bible more and getting ready for the End-Times! But, on the other hand, I'm starting to think more and more about coming home and resuming work and my "normal life". I know that these are also good things and that they are important to the Lord, but they are very different.
I find myself thinking, "How do I do both well? How do I continue to pursue intimacy with God aggressively and to give Him my all at the same time that I work a job, enjoy relationship with my family and friends and be faithful in all of my "normal life" responsibilities? How does this work, God?!" I really think that it's both for me. I don't feel called to become a mystic and to pull away from the world completely so that I can just gaze on God's beauty. I think that would be really nice, but when He is really filling me up with the fullness of God, there is so much extra love in me that I want to direct it towards someone else. I hope that counseling will be a natural outlet for me to express all of that extra love. But, this world is so enticing! How can I live here and be a part of it without being sucked into giving into my raging appetites for entertainment, affirmation, comfort, and success? How do I resist the fear of man when it calls out to me to modify my pursuit of God or minimize my message that Jesus is coming back soon in order to obtain approval and avoid judgment?
I actually had a dream about the fear of man last night and I'm going to share part of it because I think that God has been giving me the answer, at least to that question.
I was counseling a girl in one corner of a large room that was full of people. I let out a roar at one point and everyone turned to look at me. I felt extremely embarrassed and immediately began apologizing and trying to rationalize my behavior. Shortly after this, a demonic man approached me and told me that he had received permission to come against me and oppress me for a period of time. I could actually feel and hear a heavy weight come down on my bed, next to me, as I slept. I began to cry out to Jesus for help. I called out "Beautiful One!" again and again until I felt the weight lift. I was reminded of the lyrics to a song that we often sing in the prayer room, "I love the Lord because He heard my cry and He delivered me from all of my fears." I began saying this chorus to Jesus again and again because I felt so grateful that He had listened to my cry for help and come to rescue me. Then I saw that I was holding a pink, fuzzy vest. I liked it, but I wasn't sure what it was or how to wear it. It buttoned up the back and had a really cool black, white and color logo for "Eternal City" on the inside. I asked Jesus, "What is this?" and I heard, "Encounter with Love." I understood that it was a sort of bullet-proof vest made just for me and that Jesus had to help me put it on and secure it.
I struggle a lot with the fear of man. I think that the roar represents my spirit man who wants to take the kingdom of God by violence. But, I often cave in to fear when I think that everyone is looking at me, especially if they aren't Christians. I start trying to change my message in order to avoid their judgment. But this actually opens me up to more serious spiritual attack. It is Jesus, the "Beautiful One", who is able to deliver me from all of my fears and it is He who protects me with an "encounter with love." I think that the solution for me to come home and resume "normal life" will be to maintain a focus on Jesus and to keep encountering His love on a daily basis. I don't know the exact nature of all the fears that I will face upon reentry, but I do know the Beautiful One who is able to deliver me from all of them.
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