If you've been reading my blog, then you know that I have been praying through a lot of fears that I have about God. I had a dream last night and I think that God was revealing to me what my fear is like.
I felt claws dig into my back as I was crossing the street. I assumed that it was a cat. I was afraid that it was going to hurt me because it was hanging on to me with its claws. So, I took it off of my back and held it in my arms like a baby. It was heavy, but I was walking in the city. I wanted to keep it safe, so I didn't put it down. I just kept carrying it. Eventually, I stopped in a park and I sat down on the grass. The cat was sitting in my lap and I was petting it. Suddenly, I noticed that it was not a cat. What I was petting was all black. It was some kind of creature that had the body of a pot-bellied pig and the head of a hippo. The mouth was especially big and full of teeth. I was unsure why I had taken this thing into my lap and why I was taking such good care of it.
This is what I think that God is saying:
The cat/pig/hippo represents my fear that God is not really good towards me, especially in His provision (in my finances, my physical health, and bringing me a spouse to name my top 3). I think that when this fear first jumped on my back, I felt its claws and knew that it could hurt me. But, instead of forcing it off or even looking at it, to see what it was, I assumed it was harmless. I took it in my arms and made it my pet. I have carried it with me everywhere, despite the fact that it's heavy. I have protected my pet fear from harm and I have even given it affection. I stroke my pet fear each time I welcome it into my mind and caress it with my thoughts.
I have been deceived. I thought that my little fears were harmless and that I just needed to be a good steward of them. God, in His loving kindness and gentle leadership, has opened my eyes to see what my pet fear actually is. I have seen the truth about the pet that I am nurturing and I am disgusted. My pet fear is actually ugly and as dark and black as sin. It is not a good pet. It sinks its talons into me and prevents me from enjoying the God whose desire is towards me (Song 7:10). My pet fear breaks my communion with God and keeps me from receiving the perfect love that He longs to lavish on me. My pet fear wants my undivided attention and mars my ability to feast my eyes on the majesty of Jesus Christ. I no longer feel the warmth of God's affection on my face or appreciate the wonderful works that He is doing all around me because I am busy lavishing my attention and affection on my pet fear.
So, I have chosen, here and now and forever more, to renounce my fear that God will not provide His best for me. I choose to believe that "The LORD is good to me and that His mercies are over me" (Psalm 145:9). I choose to believe that "EVERY good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights, with whom there is NO variation or shifting shadow" (James 1:17). I choose to believe that "My God will supply ALL my needs according to HIS riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). I choose to believe that the LORD has "plans for my welfare and not for calamity to give me a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11). I don't expect that my life will be perfect or that I will no longer experience difficult circumstances or disappointment because Jesus said, "In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33b). I am confident that no matter what grief or obstacles come my way, I can always find fullness of joy in my relationship with God (John 15:11).
The next time that I feel fear sink its claws into my back, I plan to run right to God and to ask Him to remind me of everything that is true about Him and to help me rebuke the fear right off my back. I pray that you may also experience His perfect love for you in such a way that it drives fear right off of your back.
There is NO fear in love; but perfect love (God) casts out fear (1 John 4:18a)
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