For those of you who know me, you know that I do not like the process. God, however, seems to be all about the process. This sometimes causes disagreement between us. Or, it causes me to be in disagreement with Him, I should say.
One of the prophetic words that I received here is that I am like "a lioness on the prowl." God has made me a strong woman and given me this ability to focus on something and then chase it down aggressively, without becoming distracted. I laughed a lot when they said this, but I think that it's very true of me. This is why the process can be so frustrating for me. Once I see the truth of what I need to change or something that God reveals to me that He wants to do, I want to make it happen immediately. But, this almost never happens. I try really hard, often in my own strength, becoming tired and disappointed, and then want to quit.
This has been a pattern in my life, so I'm really asking God how to do this differently. I think that He's given me a few suggestions.
- Ask God for help.
- I need to remember that while my spirit is saying, "Yes", my ability to change myself is almost non-existent. I need the same power that raised Christ from the dead to be at work in me to bring about any real change. I need to yield to His perfect leadership in my life and let Him do work.
- I need to remember that while my spirit is saying, "Yes", my ability to change myself is almost non-existent. I need the same power that raised Christ from the dead to be at work in me to bring about any real change. I need to yield to His perfect leadership in my life and let Him do work.
- Change my primary goal.
- My primary goal has been to become spiritually mature. This seems to lead to two problems:
- When I think that I am mature, I feel very proud of my accomplishment and I judge and criticize people around me that I think are failing.
- When I sin and fail to be mature, I feel condemned and worthless. I feel despair and I want to quit.
- When I think that I am mature, I feel very proud of my accomplishment and I judge and criticize people around me that I think are failing.
- I think that a better goal would be to set my heart to love God and obey His word every day.
- Usually, when I am actively trying to love on God, He loves right back on me. This motivates me to walk in obedience because I feel so much love toward Him.
- When I fail, I can admit my sin, ask God for forgiveness and know that He loves and enjoys me right in that moment. This will put me right back on track to pursue my primary goal of loving and obeying Him.
- I no longer have to spend excessive emotional energy fighting the fires of condemnation and worthlessness, which prevents me from effectively walking with the Lord because I am preoccupied with my failure and my shame.
- Usually, when I am actively trying to love on God, He loves right back on me. This motivates me to walk in obedience because I feel so much love toward Him.
- See the process differently.
- God really wants to be in relationship with me. His goal in changing me to be more like Him is not just to fix me. God really enjoys connecting intimately with me and He knows that we will connect better if I am more like Him. God's ultimate goal is for us to spend eternity together, loving and enjoying each other forever. My sin causes me to be in disagreement with Him and breaks our fellowship with one another. I have to be free of my sin in order to connect with God in the way that He wants. That level of connection is also what will bring me the greatest satisfaction for all of eternity. So, I should see this as the beginning of an eternal, love relationship that will lead to my fullness of joy, rather than a perfect person exposing all of my flaws so that I can feel terrible about how bad I am and then work really hard to become the kind of person that they really want.
- God really wants to be in relationship with me. His goal in changing me to be more like Him is not just to fix me. God really enjoys connecting intimately with me and He knows that we will connect better if I am more like Him. God's ultimate goal is for us to spend eternity together, loving and enjoying each other forever. My sin causes me to be in disagreement with Him and breaks our fellowship with one another. I have to be free of my sin in order to connect with God in the way that He wants. That level of connection is also what will bring me the greatest satisfaction for all of eternity. So, I should see this as the beginning of an eternal, love relationship that will lead to my fullness of joy, rather than a perfect person exposing all of my flaws so that I can feel terrible about how bad I am and then work really hard to become the kind of person that they really want.
I really appreciate His insight for me because I have already been thinking, "How can I fix all of the 'brokens in me' in the next 10 weeks before internship ends?" I felt overwhelmed and discouraged every time I asked myself this question. Remembering that my transformation to be like God is a process and that the biggest thing that He wants from me is to pursue Him wholeheartedly in love has helped me to feel much more relaxed. Our culture focuses so much attention on what we attain in our life externally (success in your career, financial stability, possessions, relationships…) that it can be hard for me to remember that these things are not really important. I will leave you with a quote from my SOS study guide that encouraged me.
Jesus does not define our life by our struggles. He sees more than our failure. He defines us by the seeds of virtue that are in our heart and what we set our heart on, not only by what we attain. He sees a willing spirit in us (Mt. 26:41) He defines us by our longings to love and obey Him.
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