Day 32 – Not every day is an encounter day

I have officially been here for a month. Yay! And, I have officially had my first day of feeling "blah" in the prayer room. Even as I type this, I want to qualify that statement to sound more spiritual…

But, I think that the reality is that life is not all one great, big, spiritual high; even when you are doing an amazing internship at IHOP-KC.

I think that this is probably a good experience for me to have. I have felt SO blessed over the past month and God has really, really been doing significant work in me. But, life is not just spiritual, it's also natural. I think that I had a natural day today.

I have a huge list of passages of Scripture that we have discussed that I want to review and a pile of books that I have been encouraged to read through. I didn't really want to read through any of it though. So, I tried to participate in worship and intercession. I was even engaging with my mind, not allowing my thoughts to wander as I sometimes do. My heart still did not feel stirred. So, I grabbed my Bible and started studying in Hebrews about how Jesus is our great high priest, how He is tender with us in our weaknesses, and how He died in order to bring us near to Him. This usually moves me, but still nothing. Then, I was reading in John 15 and 17 about how much both God and Jesus love me. But, I still didn't feel emotionally moved.

I started to search my soul to figure out what hidden sin was hindering me from experiencing God's presence. He didn't reveal anything. Then, I started to think that it could be spiritual. God is removing my experience of His presence so that I will pursue Him even more aggressively. This could be true. But, I think that it is just as true that God wants me to remember how to function in the real world where my emotions don't soar at all times. I think that He wants me to know that I am committed to pursuing intimacy with Him even when I am not experiencing an emotional high. I really enjoy when I feel close to God and I am aware of how much He loves me. I prefer feeling that way to the normal feelings that I have now. But, I also don't want to let my feelings dictate what I think about God and whether or not I choose to follow Him.

I choose to love God and obey Him with all that I am because He is worthy of my worship and I want to be obedient to Him. I commit to do this even when I don't feel like it, though I still hope that my feelings will eventually shift. But, even if they don't, He is God and I want to give Him my all because He gave me His all.

Day 30 – My first Life Siege

I did my first Life Siege today and it was pretty intense.

We drove to a Planned Parenthood, put red Life tape over our mouths and then stood, silently praying, along the sidewalk for 45 minutes. I mostly used the Life-KC guide to pray. It encouraged us to focus on Jesus Christ and His blood. The guide also explained that we stand while we pray in order to symbolize that we are "standing" before God and asking Him to release a culture of Life in our city and for Jesus' blood to cover our sins in allowing abortion to continue. These are some of the verses that I meditated on and prayed during this time:

Open your mouth for the speechless, in the cause of all who are appointed to die. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:8-9

Then the LORD said to Moses, "Rise early in the morning and stand…say, Thus says the LORD…Let My people go, that they may serve Me." Exodus 9:13

And Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand still and see the salvation of the LORD…The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:13-14

My sons, do not be negligent now, for the LORD has chosen you to stand before Him, to serve Him and that you should minister to Him and burn. 2 Chronicles 29:11

At the end of the siege, we circled up to share about our experience and take communion together. Then Benjamin, our leader, led us in praying the Life prayer 7 times, singing "What can wash away my sins?" 3 times, and then, crying out to God for mercy. This was a really intense experience for me! And not really because I encountered God is a really powerful way.

I confess that this provoked some of my "fear of man", which is probably a good thing. I found that in between prayers I was feeling worried about what other people were thinking as we stood there with red tape covering our mouths. Then, we started praying, singing and crying out, and I was thinking, "Yikes! We are in the middle of this business park and we are shouting and singing to God. People must think that we are crazy and we are probably disturbing their work right now."

I realized that I usually keep the fact that I am pro-life a secret. I always wear my life bracelet and I will tell you that I am pro-life if you ask me a direct question. But, I almost never take a public stand on this issue. And, I have never participated in such a public demonstration before. But, I love Jesus and I want to be in deep agreement with Him. And, Jesus loves life. He loves creating babies in their mothers' wombs. Jesus knows all of the days that He has ordained for that baby long before the moment of their conception. (Psalm 139:16) I believe that He is deeply grieved over each abortion that takes place because we are committing murder and we are assuming that we are equal to Him and are able to make decisions about who should live and who should die. I believe that Jesus wants to end abortion and I want to stand with Him as He makes intercession before the Father about this issue. I don't want to give in to fear about what other people may think and miss out on a chance to be in agreement with Jesus. So, I commit to standing for Life and to praying for the ending of abortion with Him.

Jesus, I plead your blood over my sins and the sins of my nation. God, end abortion and send revival to America.

Day 29 – Loving God with my all

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. Psalm 139:13-18a

Our morning class this week is the First Commandment with Holly Fields. So, we have been studying Matthew 22:37:

And he said to him, "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind."

We have been talking about what this means. Today, we talked about how your soul can be your personality. God designed each of us with a very specific perspective on the world, a certain sense of humor, and a particular way of interacting with others and our environment. He wants us to love Him with the whole of our personality because our love is unique, which makes it precious to Him. I was so struck by the thought that no one can love God exactly the way that I do. No wonder God desires for each of us to offer our love up to Him! He cannot substitute the love of any one of us for any other one of us. We are unique and God is jealous to have the love and affection that is unique to each of us.

I got even more excited when I was reading through the Song of Solomon study guide. Here is an excerpt from Mike Bickle that develops this idea further:

We all have a unique design from the hand of God in our physical and our personality design. Therefore, we have unique value in the way that God created us. God chose the way we look. He chose our ethnic group, our gender, and our gifting's, as well as our gift mix. Not only did God choose the gifts He put in us, He also chose the ones that He kept from us. In great love and wisdom, He chose the generation that we live in. God chose the family that we would be a part of and He chose our personality and temperament. He chose the way our face looks and the way our body works. David understood that the design of God had a purpose to it. He said, "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me"! Psalm 139:6

God made me exactly the way He wanted me to be. I look the way that I do because God wants me to look this way. I have the strengths that I have because God gave me those gifts. He specifically chose not to give me the gifts that I don't have, even though He knew that I could see other people's gifts and that might provoke my jealousy. He has already written all "the days that [are] ordained for me"! From conception, God has orchestrated everything from my physical body to my family of origin to my educational experience to my cultural history to my personality to my secret history in Him in order to have exactly what He has destined me for. I can't even begin to understand this! How can I have choice and yet God is so sovereign that I arrive exactly where He wants me to arrive, in the end?! How can I doubt this incredible God who rules everything that exists, but desires my love and works to win the affections of my heart? Truly, my God is bigger and better than I can understand. On the other hand, it is comforting to know that I really can spend all of eternity getting to know Him without ever coming to His end.

Day 28 – The swirl

I've started keeping a list of common IHOP-KC phrases. It includes such things as "the swirl", "traffic in your soul", "dial down", "sign back up" and "you need to get off that bus." I don't think that I've started praying the same way they do, yet…it could still happen. J

Seriously though, I am getting SO many wonderful things here that I wish I was a sponge. I want to just suck everything that I am hearing and learning into my being and then integrate all of it into who I am and how I live. If I'm able to do that, then I won't be hugely concerned if I come away from this internship having incorporated a few of the IHOP-KC terms into my vocabulary.

Now, let's get back to the swirl. Yesterday, we had this amazing talk with Sarah Edwards about pursuing physical beauty and health in a way that honors Jesus. She recommended some great Scriptures to study and some tools to use in this pursuit. I charged into the prayer room and started praying everything that she had recommended. After only a little while, I started to feel tired, ashamed that I still have issues in how I view my physical body and pursue health and beauty, and just frustrated that I cannot seem to walk in victory in any area of my life. So, I decided to follow another one of Sarah's recommendations and "slow down my busy soul."

After sitting quietly for about 15 minutes and just trying to enter into worship, I started to feel peaceful as I thought about how amazing God is and how much He loves me. Then, I realized that what happened is that I had taken my focus off of Jesus, the man who is the object of my affections, and moved it onto my problems. I quickly forgot that I want to stop sinning so that I can love this amazing man more and enjoy more uninterrupted relationship with Him. I also disconnected myself from the one who gives me the ability to love Him and stop choosing sin. In one moment, I had lost my motivation and my ability. It's no wonder that I quickly became tired and frustrated! My own strength and motivation is pretty feeble, lasting only about 20 minutes.

As I continued talking with God about what was happening, I think He pointed out how much I like to "do things" for Him. When I hear a list of things that I can do to please God, verses that I can pray through or things that I can pray, my performance mentality is hugely provoked and I spring right into action. I really, really like doing things for God! I really, really like working for Him. And, I know that there is a place for this. As Stuart Greaves said yesterday, "Salvation is a free gift to you, but the maintenance of it or sanctification will cost you everything." I am unable to save myself from sin, though I still try sometimes. But, Jesus does want me to give Him my all in the way that I live for Him now that I have received His salvation.

But again, as Davy pointed out on Friday, I need to first stop, connect with God in intimacy and ask Him what "my all" looks like today. The Holy Spirit wants to set the agenda for how I should invest my resources today. And, if I take the time to meet with Him first and ask for that direction, then I get the added bonus of Him loving me and energizing me in such a way that I will be able to work harder and more effectively AND I will enjoy what I am doing more because it is my love gift to Him.

I will end with a picture that one of my roommates had for me yesterday. She saw me on the back of a moped. My visor was up, I was smiling and my hair was blowing in the wind. I've been praying about it and I think that it speaks, yet again, about the fact that God has invited me to come on a journey with Him. He gets to drive and only He knows where we are going. My job is to hold onto Him, to trust Him and to enjoy the ride. In my experiences on the back of motorcycles/mopeds, I have found that I really do enjoy the ride. It is fun to just hang out and watch everything beautiful going by me. I like feeling the wind on my face and zooming down the open road, even when I'm not sure where we are going. It is nice to just trust the other person to be in control and take me where we are going. I want to do this with God, but I know that I need His help to embrace this. He really is a good leader and I believe that I can trust Him to be in control of this journey. I really don't need to know where we are going and it is still possible for me to enjoy the ride without knowing. So, I'm saying to God, "Yes, I want to come and yes, I want You to drive. And, please help me to enjoy the ride."

Day 26

What God is there who can deliver you out of my hands?...O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire, and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up. Daniel 3:15-18

Dale suggested three questions that Daniel chapter 3 poses:

• Does God have all power? Yes!
  
• Is God able to deliver believers from all problems and trials? Yes!
  
• Does God deliver believers from all troubles and trials? No…Why?
  

We looked at 1 Peter 1:3-9 and we talked about experiencing persecution. Dale said that it is necessary for us to face difficulties and trials because this is how we learn to lean into God and He develops our faith. We do best when we respond to troubles as Daniel and his friends did in Daniel chapter 2: prayer and fasting. We contend for God to deliver us, but we determine to love and obey Him even if He does not deliver us from our difficulties.

I certainly have not faced martyrdom or even real persecution for my faith. But, I have experienced difficult life circumstances, loss that feels painful and hope that is deferred, seemingly indefinitely. In that moment, I have wrestled with whether or not God is really good. I have been tempted to redefine what "good" means in order to make sense of my experience. I confess that I have accused God of being mean to me, on more than one occasion, because I was experiencing great disappointment and hurt over how He was shepherding me and leading my life.

I think that these small troubles and trials that we face are extremely important because they reveal what is in our hearts and minds. God didn't make me think He was mean by how He was treating me. He allowed my circumstance to reveal the lie that was already hiding in my heart. And, in the great and terrible day of the Lord that is fast approaching, we will experience actual persecution and difficulty. If I am believing, in even small ways, that God is mean and not really good because He is not giving me what I want right this second, then what I am going to think about Him when I don't have anything to eat, or everyone I love is put into prison or killed, or I am tortured? How will I stand in that day if I don't practice standing now, in all of the small difficulties that I experience?

I think that God is actually extremely loving and gentle in His leadership in my life. He knows exactly how to lead me, to perfect me and to mature me now so that I will be able to stand and bear witness to the fact that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life in that day. (John 14:6) God knows that I am easily enticed by the current of this world and the instantaneous pleasures of sin that are mine right now, should I pursue them. He is trying to teach me how to go without food, literally, through fasting and to pursue the superior pleasure of loving and knowing Him above every other desire that I find in my heart. God is bringing me into mature love and partnership with Him so that I see Him as the goal of my life rather than as a means to my happiness. In doing this, He is ensuring that my joy will be maximized for all of eternity and that I will not fall away in the days of difficulty that lie ahead. I don't like wrestling with Him, but I would rather practice contending now than be lost later.

Day 25 – What is my all?

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of me. Philippians 2:5-7

My Bible has a note attached to the phrase "emptied Himself". It says that this could also be understood as "laid aside His privileges." In other words, Jesus laid aside His privileges as a member of the triune God so that He could be like us humans. The reason that He wanted to be like us was so that He could demonstrate His perfect love for us by dying in our place.

Davy Flowers spoke at the EGS service tonight. She has been wrestling through the question, "What does it mean to be a radical, wholehearted follower of Jesus Christ in our 21^st century culture?" Davy defined radical Christianity as "the exchange of all for all or willingly surrendering all that I am for all that Christ is." She went on to talk about how Jesus already gave His all for us. As Philippians explains, Jesus gave up the privileges that are rightly His as the all-powerful, God of the universe and became a human man. He took on a human body and all of the frailties that come with it. Then, He took on our sins as well.

But He was pierced through (wounded) for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being (peace) fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed. All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on (encounter) Him. Isaiah 53:5-6

Davy shared this picture that she has of Jesus, standing with the Father, and looking down to earth in love. He saw how desperately wicked we are and how we were dead in our sins. Jesus was so full of love that He had to demonstrate it. So, He left heaven and gave His all in order to encounter the consequences of our sin. Jesus was literally wounded as punishment for the sins that you and I have committed. He gave His all so that He could dwell in relationship with us, face to face, forever.

The question that I began to ask myself as I heard her speak was, "What is my all? What am I, Jody Anne Pearcy, called to offer to Jesus in exchange for what He has given me? What privileges am I willing to lay aside for Him, knowing that He laid aside all of His privileges for me?"

My response is that I am not entirely sure. I have some ideas and I have directed these questions to Jesus. I believe that He wants every square inch of my soul, my money, my thoughts, my personality, my gifts, my hopes and dreams, my time, my energy and my affections. I believe that He cries out "Mine!" over every part of me and I really want Him to have my all, whatever that is. I also believe that He is going to give me the grace to walk this out. As Jesus told the disciples when they asked "Then who can be saved?!" after He called the rich, young ruler to give his all and follow Him.

Looking at them, Jesus said, "With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God." Mark 10:27

If you are a follower of Christ, then He is calling you to give your all. What does that look like? I cannot tell you because only He knows what it means for you to be completely abandoned to Him. Ask Him and I am sure that He will show you and give you the grace that you need to walk it out. This is what I am committing myself to. I am sure that it will be painful in the process, but I really want to stand before Him one day and know that I gave my all in love for Him.

Day 23 – God, our example of perfect emotional health

My heart is stirred by this topic! We came upon it seemingly by accident, but I know God better than to believe that.

As a counselor, I am very interested in emotional health and what that looks like. But, I have never considered God's emotional health before. Andy, one of our core leaders, spoke for a few minutes this morning about what God has been teaching him about His perfect emotions. Andy said this:

God's heart is glad and content because of who He is. He is the most emotionally stable person. God is very emotional and He expresses His emotions perfectly. In contrast, our emotions tend to be more reactive and we often do not respond to them in righteousness. In contrast, God's emotions flow from His perfect heart and being. They come from the place of His righteous settlement in Himself. As a result, they are always righteous in their expression. God is all powerful and always in control. As the Holy Spirit works in me, I am growing in my self-control and beginning to express my emotions in a more righteous way. God is neither stoic nor emotionally explosive. He is perfectly stable in the way that He expresses His emotions.

Again, I love this picture of God setting the example for us in our emotional health! Besides the obvious personal application, I am especially thankful for this today because I have really been asking for wisdom and revelation as I enter this next season in my career. I have never been able to do overtly Christian counseling. I have always believed that counseling is the work of the Holy Spirit and that I can only do counseling as I partner with Him in what He is doing in my clients. But, I'm not sure what to do differently in my practice of counseling now that I have the freedom to be openly Christian. So, this jumped out to me as a new counseling technique that I can use with believers! Or maybe even unbelievers as God increases my boldness….

I can encourage them to get into their Bible to study the emotions of God and recommend specific passages where I see that God has emotions. I can pray with them and ask God to reveal to them how He expresses His emotions perfectly in Scripture. I can pray with them and ask the Holy Spirit to increase their self-control so that they can express their emotions more appropriately. I think that I want to build time for intercession into my R2HOP schedule so that I can pray for my clients and listen to what God is saying to me about them and how to work with them. I have also been thinking about taking time on my fast days to intercede for clients who really need spiritual breakthrough and healing. My heart is beginning to feel stirred for counseling again and I am so thankful!

I was also challenged by a comment that was made during our discussion time. One of my classmates made the comment that God lavishes His love on the whole world, even those that we don't think are deserving of His affection. He does not love in a self-protective way, determining who is going to respond to His love and then loving only those people. God risks being rejected and looking foolish by loving the entire world, but He does it anyways. I don't really love this way at all. I usually decide who I want to love based on how much I like people and how they treat me. I find it easier to love people who are similar to me. I don't like feeling rejected when I love someone and they don't return my love. I feel ashamed and disappointed when I choose to care about someone and they do not reciprocate. I analyze possible outcomes before I choose to love someone so that I know I have a high change of being loved in return before I start expressing that feeling of love toward another person.

I think that I would like to love more like God does. I suspect that this is how He wants me to love too. I also think that His love in my heart will cover any rejection, shame and disappointment that I may feel along the way. Here's to being more emotionally healthy and more lavish in my love.

Day 22

5 Stages in Growing in Love with God:

• Becoming a Mary of Bethany or a student of the emotions of God
  
  • This is primarily expressed through a life of pursuing obedience to God
    
  • Studying Scripture to learn what God is like
    
• Receiving increased revelation of God's love for us
  
  • John 15:9: Jesus loves me the way that God loves Him
    
  • John 17:23: God loves me the way that He loves Jesus
    
• Growing in our affection for God
  
  • Matthew 22:37: I love God with all of my heart, with all of my soul and with all of my mind
    
• Growing in confidence of who you are or loving yourself
  
• Growing in our love for others
  

This was part of our lesson with Clay Edwards for the Life of David class. He summarized these stages this way:

1. Look at God    2. God loves me    3. I love God        4. I love myself        5. I love others
   

We work on all of these at the same time. If I find that I'm lacking obedience, then I probably need a greater revelation of God's love for me. If I don't like myself, then I probably need to spend more time looking at God and finding out how He feels about me. (If He is truth and wisdom and He says that His "delight [is] in the sons of men" (Proverbs 8:31), of which I am one, then who am I to disagree with Him?!) If I am having a hard time loving others, then I probably need to go back and look at God. Basically, no matter what is happening, I probably need to go back and look at God!

I really liked this and it made a lot of sense to me. I want to love God wholeheartedly, but I think that God only loves me a little bit. (I know that He loves me because He loves everyone, but I am not sure that He really enjoys me or likes me because of my sinfulness. I feel ashamed that I am still weak and fall into sin. I am afraid that God will reject me…) As a result, I only love myself a little bit and I only love others a little bit. Now on the outside, it appears as though I love a lot more than this. But, a lot of that is coming out of my own strength and that's why I eventually burn-out and become unloving.

The other thing that I love about this model is that the solution is really simple: the 1^st commandment. I go back to looking at God through meditating on Scripture, praying it back to God and receiving His love for me. I commit myself to obeying Him. This stirs up my love for Him, makes me more confident because I hear who He says I am and I have so much love in my heart that it overflows towards others around me. So, once again, I set my heart to love and obey God today. J

Day 21 – Patience in the process, joy in the journey

We just started a new class on the love of God with Sarah Edwards. She is probably the fifth person who has talked about how God enjoys us in our weaknesses during the journey of our spiritual transformation. I had already forgotten about "the process" and that this is how God works. He just keeps saying it though, through all kinds of different people. So, I'm listening, again.

Sarah made several points that really moved and challenged me. She encouraged us not to rush our hearts and to slow down our busy souls. I have been reading my Bible for a long time and I'm smart, so I like to think that I know everything and can just move forward. But, when I'm honest, there are a lot of verses, even some that I have memorized, that I really don't understand or haven't experienced. These are places where I can let Him take me to "school". I can ask Him to teach me about Himself in these areas, knowing that it's OK with God that I don't already know this truth. I can be confident that God really does like me when I am growing and developing spiritually. He is the one who decided that my whole life in Him would be a journey of sanctification. God is powerful enough to change me instantly (and I still kind of wish He would), but He chooses to change me gradually and He enjoys me in this process. Sarah challenged us to press to experience His enjoyment of us along the journey. She also reminded us that God is far more acquainted with our souls than we are (Psalm 139) and He enjoys us because of who He is, not because of anything that we do.

Sarah also reminded us that God didn't jump into our stories. He is the one who is telling His story and He chose to bring us into it. We really need to look to Him to tell us who He is and what He is like. And, encountering God is not always what I expect it to be. When I think of an encounter, I think of having an angelic visitation, receiving prophetic prayer, being overcome with uncontrollable weeping or experiencing powerful ministry at the altar. I present myself to God and ask for Him to meet with me in one of these ways. I feel disappointed and frustrated when God doesn't meet me that way and I'm tempted to harden my heart and stop asking Him to encounter me.

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, But the glory of kings is to search out a matter. Proverbs 25:2

Sarah reminded us that God enjoys hiding Himself and He wants us to search Him out. There is encounter with Jesus hidden in the pages of the Bible. If I read my Bible and expect to meet God as I do that, then there is a much greater chance that I will find Him there.

As I take stock of my life, I don't feel very successful. I am so aware of my failures. I want to love God wholeheartedly and I don't. I am full of compromise and I love to be happy and comfortable. I want to do great things for God and I have been praying for that since I was in high school. But, none of the things that I'm doing seem that great and I don't even really think that I know God that well. I have a ton of head knowledge, but I don't know that I have really experienced what it is like for Jesus to call me His friend, as the disciples did. (John 15:15) But, I don't think that giving in to self-pity and finding a new calling is the answer.

I remember concerning you the devotion (loving kindness) of your youth, The love of your betrothals, Your following after Me in the wilderness, Through a land not sown. Jeremiah 2:2b

My love is weak, but it's real. God sees the devotion that I have had for Him since my youth. He has forgiven my failures because I repented and asked for His forgiveness. What He remembers is the love of my recommitments to Him. Every time I said "Yes, Lord, I want to follow You with my whole heart", He rejoiced because He delights in mercy (Micah 7:18). God remembers how I have chosen obedience, even when He led me into the wilderness and I refused to go at first. In the same way that He forgave David for his sins and then called him "a man after My own heart, who will do all My will" (Acts 13:22), God forgives my sin and considers me to be after His heart and completely obedient to Him when I repent and choose to obey Him.

I don't understand this, yet. But, I want to. I am asking God to help me experience His enjoyment of me in this journey and help me to be patient with Him and with myself.

Day 20

My first 20 days have been really great. I'm learning a ton and am SO enjoying this season of focused time with God. I've had some definite "AHA" moments in terms of how important it is to receive God's love for me and making adjustments to my life vision and how I measure success.

I think that I was hoping that my transformation is now complete and I can just enjoy the rest of internship. But, yesterday I started having some of my old tired feelings and realized that I had fallen back into some of my old perfectionist and performance mentalities. I was feeling frustrated and I started journaling. Here are some of the questions that I asked God:

How do I go hard in my pursuit of God without falling into "striving", or trying to perfect myself through works?

How do I get rid of my perfectionist and performance mentality?

As I am trying to purify my thought life and my heart by exercising self-control, how do I avoid legalism?

What does it look like to walk in freedom before the LORD?

God reminded me that my new life vision is to do my best to love Him wholeheartedly and to obey His word every day. In my enthusiasm for getting rid of compromise, I forgot that my goal is to continue cultivating my relationship with Jesus. When my goal changed to getting rid of compromise, it became really easy to start measuring my success and worth by how much progress I made. Whereas when I am focusing on loving God and letting Him love me, I also want to get rid of the areas in my life where I am compromising, but that is not my main focus.

I also talked with my parents and my dad helped me to see that I was falling into all-or-nothing thinking again. Either I can go hard and strive to "be perfect, as God is perfect" OR I have to stop trying at all. The truth is that God has given me self-control and He wants me to exercise it. But, He also knows that I am unable to change myself and no matter how hard I work, I cannot make myself like Him.

In addition to this, Corey Russell spoke at FCF yesterday and He talked about "eating the scroll" or spending lots of time reading and meditating on the Bible.

Then the voice which I heard from heaven, I heard again speaking with me, and saying, "Go, take the book which is open in the hand of the angel who stands on the sea and on the land." So, I went to the angel, telling him to give me the little book. And he said to me, "Take it and eat it; it will make your stomach bitter, but in your mouth it will be sweet as honey." Revelation 10:8-9

Corey talked about how when we "eat the Word", it gives us joy. God wants it to be our chief delight. And, it is bitter to our stomach or our flesh. It brings the "sword that divides soul and spirit" (Hebrews 4:12) to demolish strongholds, breath through addictions, destroy faulty foundations and deliver me from fantasy. Corey gave the example of how in Extreme Home Makeover's, the first thing they do is tear the old house down to the foundation. I think that there is stuff in me that needs to be torn down, but I'm not exactly sure what it is.

So in response to both of these things, I'm resubmitting myself to God's leadership and I'm committing again to meditate deeply on the Scriptures. I want God's word to send down deep roots in my soul. I want to focus on loving God wholeheartedly and trust that the Holy Spirit will reveal and remove those areas of compromise as I love God and feed myself on the Word. Again, I have to remind myself that this is a process and just enjoy God along the way.

Day 18 - Discipline

OK, I know that some of you already enjoy when the LORD corrects you and know that this means that He loves you. This post is not for you.

For everyone else, I want to share what God is teaching me about His discipline. I have been reading through Hebrews 12:1-17 and I promise you that there are fantastic truths that have just appeared in this section of Scripture!

And you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the LORD, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; for those whom the LORD loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives." Verses 5-6

I don't think that I have ever received the LORD's discipline as an exhortation. I almost always take it as condemnation, which feels very serious to me, and I usually feel faint of heart and weary when I am reproved by God. He starts to shine His glorious light on the ugly sin in my heart and I freak out. "UGLY! Don't let that out and definitely don't look at it! Let's just pretend that You didn't see that God, OK?" But, I know that He did and does. And then I go through a period of several days or longer where I feel terrible because of the sin that God knows is in my heart. I try to think of how I can fix it and I rev up my self-control and try to be super spiritual so that I never fall into that sin again. The problem is that it doesn't work. At some point, I do the same sin again, and then the cycle starts itself all over again.

But, something has been changing in my heart over the past two weeks. I can only attribute it to the way that God is lavishing His love on me every day. This morning, the Holy Spirit brought one of my sinful thought patterns to my attention. Instead of panicking and shutting down, I listened. I realized that God was speaking to me in love and that He was revealing this area of sin in my life because He wants my good. I was able to repent and ask God to purify my heart and mind with regards to this area of sin. I asked God to help me walk in holiness in this area of my life and I trust that He will carry me through this process. How do I know that God's discipline is for my good?

For they (earthly fathers) disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. Verse 10

God wants my good! God wants me to share in His holiness! And I do too. So, I need to receive His discipline as His love and His good for me. God also wants me to be His legitimate child and I have to accept Him as my father for that to be possible.

But if you are without discipline,…then you are illegitimate children. Verse 8

Yikes, I don't want to be illegitimate! I want to receive all of the great benefits of being a legitimate child of God, so I need to submit to His discipline. What's more, His discipline really is His love for me.

All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness…Pursue…the sanctification without which no one will see the LORD. See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God. Verses 11, 14-15

I want the peaceful fruit of righteousness. I REALLY want to see the Lord and I REALLY want to experience the grace of God. I need some discipline to get there. Is that really a big deal? It is when I am in my pride. In my pride, I want to see myself as equal to God, not like a weak, vulnerable child who is dependent on Him. After I repent of my pride, I can see the truth that this is exactly what I am with respect to God. And, when I look at the benefits of being His child, I am convinced that this is the best position for me to be in. I love the way that He loves me, even when it comes in the form of His discipline. This is a true transformation in my mind. I used to have a hard time even imagining that it could be possible to endure His discipline because I always experienced it with intense shame and self-loathing.

So, if this is you, then step into the healing of His love for you. He especially wants the dark and hurt places in your soul. Give them up to Him and know that He will forgive you and enjoy you right in the moment that you confess them.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil 1:6

 

Day 17 – Are you ready?

My mom just forwarded me an email from the Elijah List. (This is a group that tracks different prophetic words from God and makes believers aware of them.) Yesterday, October 13, 2011, marked the 30 year point for a prophetic word that God gave Bob Jones about an end-times army that He was going to raise up. This is known as the "Sands of Time" prophecy. In essence, God told Bob Jones that He was going to send out draft notices for "The Army of God" to "everyone that was conceived, that was in the womb, or nine months prior to October 13, 1981". "When they reach the age of maturity, I am going to begin to release them in power. I will arm them out of My armory in Heaven. There is no gift that I will deny them. They will literally pull down the warehouse of God and they will have no fear of the enemy. They will glorify Me beyond anything that has ever been. They will represent Me in My holiness and compassion." The age of 30 is representative of maturity.

I'm 30. I've calculated that the range of people who are directly implicated by this word have birth dates in the range of January 13, 1981 to July 13, 1982. This is not to say that other people who would consider themselves to be bond-servants of the Lord and are born outside of this date range are excluded from God's end-times army. I suspect that the time frame is more to give us a general sense of the season in which God would begin to release this word on His church, rather than who the specific recipients would be. But because my birthdate, August 3, 1981, falls within this range, I am taking this word very seriously. And, I am asking myself, "Am I really ready for this?"

I was in the prayer room last night and we had a powerful time of intercession for revival to break out during the 4 AM watch. The worship felt extremely anointed and we were literally crying out for God to rend the Heavens and break out in revival right then. (We were praying for revival in KC, but I of course prayed for revival to break out in Rockford too. I like to think that I am hijacking the entire prayer room's intercession by agreeing with their prayers for KC AND asking that they also count towards releasing revival in Rockford!) But, our time last night felt so powerful that I thought, "Whoa, what if revival really does break out right now?! What will that be like? Am I ready to be a part of leading thousands of people to Christ and then discipling them? Am I ready to pray over thousands of people that they would be healed and set free? Am I ready to cancel the rest of my life and be in the prayer room around the clock to respond to the greatest revival that the world has ever seen? Am I ready for angelic encounters and prophetic words accompanied by signs and wonders in the heavens? Am I ready for the persecution that will rise against the church?" And, in my heart, I wasn't sure that I am ready for all of that.

Now, I know that I can never be perfectly ready for this reality. But, I think that I can posture my life in such a way that loving God and obeying Him really is the highest goal of my life. As I look at 5 main areas of my life, my thoughts, my time, my money, my affections and my calling, I see that I am still loving and pursuing my way in many areas. But, I am setting the intention of my heart to love and obey God wholeheartedly and I am asking God to work in me to make this a reality.

I am also reconsidering my view of fasting as I am considering all of these things and continuing to read The Rewards of Fasting.

"Fasting serves as a catalyst to increase the depth and the measure to which we receive from the Lord. By fasting we receive greater measures of revelation at an accelerated pace, which has a deeper impact upon our hearts."

I don't understand all that needs to change in me so that I can be ready to be a functioning member of God's end-times army. I do know that I desperately want to be a part of what He plans to do and I want to be ready for that day! If fasting will give me more revelation of God and His plans now and in such a way that they take root deep in my heart, then I suddenly want to fast more. Can you imagine? We get to be players on God's team for the craziest thing that the world will have ever experienced. How amazing is that?! He wants us to partner with Him in what He is going to do to change this entire world. God doesn't need our help, but He wants us there as His friends, standing in agreement with Him. There is nothing that I wouldn't give to be a part of that. So, here I am, Lord. Use me. And change whatever you need to change in me to make me ready to stand with You on that day.

Day 16 – When fear jumped on my back

If you've been reading my blog, then you know that I have been praying through a lot of fears that I have about God. I had a dream last night and I think that God was revealing to me what my fear is like.

I felt claws dig into my back as I was crossing the street. I assumed that it was a cat. I was afraid that it was going to hurt me because it was hanging on to me with its claws. So, I took it off of my back and held it in my arms like a baby. It was heavy, but I was walking in the city. I wanted to keep it safe, so I didn't put it down. I just kept carrying it. Eventually, I stopped in a park and I sat down on the grass. The cat was sitting in my lap and I was petting it. Suddenly, I noticed that it was not a cat. What I was petting was all black. It was some kind of creature that had the body of a pot-bellied pig and the head of a hippo. The mouth was especially big and full of teeth. I was unsure why I had taken this thing into my lap and why I was taking such good care of it.

This is what I think that God is saying:

The cat/pig/hippo represents my fear that God is not really good towards me, especially in His provision (in my finances, my physical health, and bringing me a spouse to name my top 3). I think that when this fear first jumped on my back, I felt its claws and knew that it could hurt me. But, instead of forcing it off or even looking at it, to see what it was, I assumed it was harmless. I took it in my arms and made it my pet. I have carried it with me everywhere, despite the fact that it's heavy. I have protected my pet fear from harm and I have even given it affection. I stroke my pet fear each time I welcome it into my mind and caress it with my thoughts.

I have been deceived. I thought that my little fears were harmless and that I just needed to be a good steward of them. God, in His loving kindness and gentle leadership, has opened my eyes to see what my pet fear actually is. I have seen the truth about the pet that I am nurturing and I am disgusted. My pet fear is actually ugly and as dark and black as sin. It is not a good pet. It sinks its talons into me and prevents me from enjoying the God whose desire is towards me (Song 7:10). My pet fear breaks my communion with God and keeps me from receiving the perfect love that He longs to lavish on me. My pet fear wants my undivided attention and mars my ability to feast my eyes on the majesty of Jesus Christ. I no longer feel the warmth of God's affection on my face or appreciate the wonderful works that He is doing all around me because I am busy lavishing my attention and affection on my pet fear.

So, I have chosen, here and now and forever more, to renounce my fear that God will not provide His best for me. I choose to believe that "The LORD is good to me and that His mercies are over me" (Psalm 145:9). I choose to believe that "EVERY good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights, with whom there is NO variation or shifting shadow" (James 1:17). I choose to believe that "My God will supply ALL my needs according to HIS riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). I choose to believe that the LORD has "plans for my welfare and not for calamity to give me a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11). I don't expect that my life will be perfect or that I will no longer experience difficult circumstances or disappointment because Jesus said, "In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33b). I am confident that no matter what grief or obstacles come my way, I can always find fullness of joy in my relationship with God (John 15:11).

The next time that I feel fear sink its claws into my back, I plan to run right to God and to ask Him to remind me of everything that is true about Him and to help me rebuke the fear right off my back. I pray that you may also experience His perfect love for you in such a way that it drives fear right off of your back.

There is NO fear in love; but perfect love (God) casts out fear (1 John 4:18a)

Day 15 – It’s all about the process…

For those of you who know me, you know that I do not like the process. God, however, seems to be all about the process. This sometimes causes disagreement between us. Or, it causes me to be in disagreement with Him, I should say.

One of the prophetic words that I received here is that I am like "a lioness on the prowl." God has made me a strong woman and given me this ability to focus on something and then chase it down aggressively, without becoming distracted. I laughed a lot when they said this, but I think that it's very true of me. This is why the process can be so frustrating for me. Once I see the truth of what I need to change or something that God reveals to me that He wants to do, I want to make it happen immediately. But, this almost never happens. I try really hard, often in my own strength, becoming tired and disappointed, and then want to quit.

This has been a pattern in my life, so I'm really asking God how to do this differently. I think that He's given me a few suggestions.

1. Ask God for help.
   
   1. I need to remember that while my spirit is saying, "Yes", my ability to change myself is almost non-existent. I need the same power that raised Christ from the dead to be at work in me to bring about any real change. I need to yield to His perfect leadership in my life and let Him do work.
      
2. Change my primary goal.
   
   1. My primary goal has been to become spiritually mature. This seems to lead to two problems:
      
      1. When I think that I am mature, I feel very proud of my accomplishment and I judge and criticize people around me that I think are failing.
         
      2. When I sin and fail to be mature, I feel condemned and worthless. I feel despair and I want to quit.
         
   2. I think that a better goal would be to set my heart to love God and obey His word every day.
      
      1. Usually, when I am actively trying to love on God, He loves right back on me. This motivates me to walk in obedience because I feel so much love toward Him.
         
      2. When I fail, I can admit my sin, ask God for forgiveness and know that He loves and enjoys me right in that moment. This will put me right back on track to pursue my primary goal of loving and obeying Him.
         
      3. I no longer have to spend excessive emotional energy fighting the fires of condemnation and worthlessness, which prevents me from effectively walking with the Lord because I am preoccupied with my failure and my shame.
         
3. See the process differently.
   
   1. God really wants to be in relationship with me. His goal in changing me to be more like Him is not just to fix me. God really enjoys connecting intimately with me and He knows that we will connect better if I am more like Him. God's ultimate goal is for us to spend eternity together, loving and enjoying each other forever. My sin causes me to be in disagreement with Him and breaks our fellowship with one another. I have to be free of my sin in order to connect with God in the way that He wants. That level of connection is also what will bring me the greatest satisfaction for all of eternity. So, I should see this as the beginning of an eternal, love relationship that will lead to my fullness of joy, rather than a perfect person exposing all of my flaws so that I can feel terrible about how bad I am and then work really hard to become the kind of person that they really want.
      

I really appreciate His insight for me because I have already been thinking, "How can I fix all of the 'brokens in me' in the next 10 weeks before internship ends?" I felt overwhelmed and discouraged every time I asked myself this question. Remembering that my transformation to be like God is a process and that the biggest thing that He wants from me is to pursue Him wholeheartedly in love has helped me to feel much more relaxed. Our culture focuses so much attention on what we attain in our life externally (success in your career, financial stability, possessions, relationships…) that it can be hard for me to remember that these things are not really important. I will leave you with a quote from my SOS study guide that encouraged me.

Jesus does not define our life by our struggles. He sees more than our failure. He defines us by the seeds of virtue that are in our heart and what we set our heart on, not only by what we attain. He sees a willing spirit in us (Mt. 26:41) He defines us by our longings to love and obey Him.

Day 14

Today has been a good day.

I am actually going to copy almost a whole section of my Song of Solomon study guide here because it so stirred me.

VIII. Praying for Deliverance from Compromise

• The maiden responds to Jesus' exhortation to see her face and hear her voice as she prays for deliverance. She cries out for Jesus' help to catch the little foxes of compromise in her life.
  

  
   

  Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes. (Song 2:15)
  

  
   

• The "little foxes" in the vineyard of our heart speak of our small compromises that include fear, sinful thoughts, attitudes, words and the small yet continual misuse of time and money.
  
• Our vine refers to our fellowship with God. The tender grapes speak of her immaturity in life and the tiny places where she is beginning to be fruitful in Him. The foxes keep destroying her fruitfulness.
  
• It is the little areas that hold us back from walking in the Spirit. She sees the seriousness of small areas that prevent her from going deep in God.
  
• We want more in God than just avoiding scandalous sin. We want our vineyard to be full of mature fruit. The issues of unwholesome speech, unclean thoughts and attitudes that resist servanthood and humility are the little foxes that destroy our intimacy with the Lord.
  
• She prayed, "Catch us the foxes." In other words, we cannot catch them by ourselves but we cry for God's help. She acknowledges the presence of the little foxes (her compromise) in her life and then offers continual prayer for help. The Lord is so willing to help us!
  

This is exactly what I have been feeling, but I wasn't sure exactly how to express it. God calls me to come after Him and He sees my sincere desire to obey. As I'm obeying, I am slowed and hampered in my response by fears, sinful thoughts, attitudes and words. These mar the tiny places where God is starting to cultivate fruit in me. I see the seriousness of these small areas that prevent me from walking by the Spirit and going deep in God and I want to change them. I have issues of unwholesome speech, unclean thoughts and selfish attitudes that are resisting servanthood and humility and destroying my intimacy with God. But, I cannot catch them by myself. Jesus, I need help, please!

But, I've been struggling with what part is mine to manage (i.e. taking the thought captive) and how much help I can ask God for. Asking for help from anyone is hard for me, even when it's God. But, I also have a bad history of striving and trying to do everything in my own strength and then failing miserably. So, I've been confessing my weak love and asking God to help me. And, today in the prayer room, I felt so encouraged that God was for me and that He appreciated my desire to pursue Him wholeheartedly! I felt such peace knowing that God was committed to helping me change and that I don't have to strive in my own strength. And when I fail, as I know I will, I can repent and run to God, instead of away from Him. I can ask Him to forgive me and help me keep going. I am so thankful that He sees my intention to pursue Him and that He delights to show me mercy when I repent.

Day 13

One of my favorite prophetic people, Julie Snyder, told me about a picture that God gave her when she was praying for my time at IHOP-KC. I was really blessed by this picture and I want to share it with you.

"I saw a picture of a garden and you were one of Jesus' plants. Blooming the fragrance of Christ were the words written on your plant ID or tag."

Initially, I loved this picture because I have been praying through the Song of Solomon and I like 2:1a, "I am the rose of Sharon." I have been praying that God would make me like a beautiful rose before Him and that He would help me to see myself that way too.

Then this morning, I was reading John 15:1-11. I used this passage of scripture to take the picture of me being one of Jesus' plants even further. I was first drawn to this passage by verse 9:

Just as the Father has loved Me (Jesus), I have also loved you; abide in My love.

I confess that I have a hard time believing that Jesus really loves me the exact same way that the Father loves Him. After all, Jesus and the Father are one. They love each other perfectly! How can Jesus love me the way that His father loves Him?! Obviously, I still need to receive revelation about this reality of God's perfect love for me. Please God, help me to comprehend Your love for me.

I also spent time meditating on verses 2-4:

Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes (or cleans) it so that it may bear more fruit. You are already clean (or pruned like a branch) because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of (or from) itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me.

I believe that I am clean because I am covered by the blood of Jesus. I start from a place of justification, not condemnation. I am Jesus' plant that He loves, enjoys and takes time to cultivate. I am already fruitful in some ways, but some of my branches are unfruitful. More than that, they actually need to be removed because they are dried up and dead. These are the parts of me that are not connected to Jesus, those that are not submitted to His lordship. Jesus is going to gently cut them off and throw them away in order to make room for the branches that are fruitful to be more fruitful and to create space for new branches that He wants to grow. All I have to do in this process is agree with Him through worship and intercession. I choose to receive His love and abide in it. This leads me to life, fruitfulness and joy. Fruitfulness glorifies God and demonstrates to others that I am following Christ. Jesus asks me to stay in His love because He knows that apart from it, I can do nothing. On the other hand, when I stay in His love and walk in obedience, then I can pray effectively, minister powerfully, enjoy God and experience His enjoyment of me.

I think that these dead branches that Jesus is removing are fears that I have had about God not being good in certain areas of my life. Only Jesus knows my secret thoughts and the deep way that they have taken root in my heart. I find it difficult to pursue purity in my mind. People don't know how I struggle in my thought-life unless I tell them. And, I don't do that very often. The Holy Spirit graciously convicts me, but I can choose not to listen or respond. This is also not the first time that I have felt stirred to purify my thoughts. Ten years ago, I went on a summer project with Campus Crusade for Christ and was really encouraged and challenged to change the way that I think. But, I don't think that I felt assured that God loved and enjoyed me the way that I am starting to now. I was striving for purity in my mind, but I became discouraged when I kept failing. After a while, I just stopped trying and told myself that it wasn't really possible to control all of my thoughts. I told myself that as long as my behavior was righteous, then it was OK if some of my thoughts weren't. But, I know that's not true. My thoughts shape my behavior. My unrighteous thoughts are directly connected to my unrighteous behaviors. (Matt 15:18-19)

I really want to pursue Jesus wholeheartedly. I want to love Him with my whole Mind. I want all of my thoughts to be submitted to Jesus (2 Cor 10:5). I hope and pray that I will have a different outcome this time. I pray that I will continue to be rooted and grounded in the love of Christ and that I will be confident that God enjoys me, even in my weakness. I pray that I will remember that He sees me as immature, not rebellious. I pray that the knowledge of His love will give me the strength and motivation that I need to persevere in loving God with my whole mind and every thought.

 

Day 12 – I want a judge

I want a judge who knows my heart. I want a judge who understands what motivates me and is merciful enough to allow me to experience the consequences of my sin. When I experience those consequences, it should turn me back to God. I will realize that my way is not better and that in the end, my way leads to death.

For years, I have lived in fear of being judged. By God and by other people. Sometimes even by myself. But, I am beginning to see that fearing judgment and pretending that God is not a judge is not helping me. Because, God is my judge.

But the LORD abides forever; He has established His throne for judgment, and He will judge the world in righteousness; He will execute judgment for the peoples with equity. The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Psalm 9:7-9

I think that I would rather have God judge my thoughts and actions now, when there is still time for me to repent and be led, by Him, into righteousness. But, without knowing that He loves me in my weakness, I think that it is incredibly difficult to submit to this process. So, I am very thankful that He is assuring me of His goodness and His love toward me every day!

During Daniel class today, Dale Anderson was talking about how one of the problems in the western church is that we want God to be the sum of all of His parts. And, we have this idea that He is compartmentalized. That He puts His mercy on pause when He is administering justice. But, in fact, God is who He is. He does not cease being merciful, loving, perfect or good when He sends forth judgment. And, when I pretend that this is not true in order to make sense of troubling situations like tornadoes that God sends that kill people and cruel dictators like Mogabe in Zimbabwe that He puts in power, I am creating a god by own hands. This is idolatry. And, it keeps me from enjoying intimacy with the true God. I want to know God as He is and worship Him for being God. Even when it feels challenging. Especially when the circumstances in my life seem to suggest that He is other than what He is.

We studied Daniel 2:1-23 this morning. Dale reminded us that even the greatest leaders are still human and that even they are vulnerable when they sleep. He suggested that God will often use this time to speak to them as a sign of His mercy. This challenged me to spend more time praying for governmental leaders to have dreams and encounters with God in the night.

Dale also talked about how we have an entitlement mentality in our culture, similar to that of the magicians in Daniel 2. They were so used to the king giving them everything: rich food and wine, education and training and a luxurious lifestyle. When Nebuchadnezzar put pressure on them to do their job and tell them his dream, they were forced to admit the truth that they had no connection with God or any ability to do what they were supposed to do. Daniel, on the other hand, was aligned with God. Even though he didn't have the dream or the interpretation, he believed that God was able to provide it. So, he and his friends did the best thing that we can do in a moment of crisis: call a prayer meeting and fast.

I think that it's so easy to have an entitlement mentality as I live surrounded by our culture. I like everything that is instant and easy and enjoyable. I think that this is one of the reasons that living a fasted lifestyle is so important. It goes against that "give it to me" perspective. Fasting is hard, uncomfortable and inconvenient, which is exactly the point. It reminds me that I'm weak and I need God. It reminds me that this world doesn't have the answers and God does. It reminds me that I want to lean into Him and that there is more to reach for, rather than just enjoying what this world has to offer. And then, when a crisis hits, I know that God is who I want to go to for help. Dale calls this the Joel Principle.

Blow the trumpet in Zion, Consecrate a fast, Call a sacred assembly; Gather the people, Sanctify the congregation, Assemble the elders, Gather the children and nursing babes; Let the bridegroom go out from his chamber, and the bride from her dressing room. Let the priests, who minister to the LORD, weep between the porch and the altar; Let them say, "Spare Your people, O LORD, and do not give Your heritage to reproach… Joel 2:15-17

This is what I am trying to do as I consider all of the areas in my life where I am not sure what to do. I am declaring my weakness, praying for help and fasting. I believe that God will provide everything I need.

 

Day 11

Wow, I really enjoy Saturday Sabbath in the Prayer Room!

We spent an hour in the prayer room soaking to start the day. Then, we met together to watch the Encountering God service from last night. Mike Bickle taught about the prophetic ministry in the end times out of Joel 2: 28-32. (I have to give a shout out to my dad, Laird Pearcy, here because this is one of his life verses!) He talked about how we see two kinds of prophets in the Bible: signs and wonders prophets like Elijah and Elisha and end-times prophets like Daniel and Ezekiel. But, these will come together in people in the end-times prophets. So, God will release a prophetic word about something that He is going to do along with a sign in the heaven that is going to take place. The end-times prophet would declare both and if people didn't listen right away, they would probably want to reconsider once the sign in the heavens appeared!

Mike also talked about the deep connection between prayer and the release of the prophetic spirit. The incredible prophetic ministry that Joel is describing is going to occur in the context of the Global Prayer Movement. And the Holy Spirit will be poured out on all flesh, or every believer who is living as a bond servant to God. As Mike said, this will include men and women, young and old, and Jew and Gentile. All that is required is responsiveness to God. He further described responsiveness as:

• Wholeheartedness: pursuing Jesus with prayer and fasting
  
• Living righteously: walking in active obedience to God, not in compromise
  
• Humility: stewarding the anointing with humility, not drawing attention to self or creating hype
  
• Scripture: honoring the Scriptures and not endorsing revelations that go beyond the Scriptures
  
• Finances: properly using finances and not living extravagantly
  
• Bearing the stigma: refusing the fear of man
  

Mike summed things up by reminding us that it's all about Jesus. Loving Him is primary. Then, we want to help people. But, we should always be making much of Jesus. I was really encouraged by this message and it challenged me to keep asking God to give me dreams, visions and prophetic encounters. My heart is really stirred up to grow in the gift of prophecy. God also stirred my heart to pray more specifically for Rockford and to ask God to give us increased prophetic revelation about what God wants to do in our area. That way we can contend more specifically.

I am continuing to enjoy spending extended time in the prayer room. I actually appreciate having more time today and tomorrow because 4 hours seems to go so quickly on weekdays! I am daily adding to my list of Scriptures that I want to meditate on, books that I want to read and study guides that I want to review. I guess anything that I don't finish; I will just take with me and continue at home. J

Also, for those of you wondering about my Sabbath, it was great! I slept in, hung out in the prayer room for a few hours, and then went with my roommate Jessi to make soap at her friend's house in Atchison, KS. I must say that it was a lot of fun and kind of made me want to start making my own soap. We'll see if that actually happens once I return to working. I also saw some chickens and lots of beautiful fall colors. It was a great day!

Day 9

Wow, if you need to receive some love from the Father, then I really, really encourage you to listen to the 2 AM worship with the word set through the prayer room archives!

There's nothing like Your love, there's nothing like Your love, to answer my longing, to satisfy my thirsting…

Today, I am continuing to work through the Song of Songs study guide and have been really encouraged and challenged by a few things. As many of you know, right before I left for internship, I signed a contract to work as a therapist at the Glenwood Center in Rockford beginning in January. I want to be praying over the Glenwood Center in preparation to work there and Thursdays is the day that I picked. So, this next season of my life was already on my mind today and then I went to class and we began talking about identity, life vision and measuring success…of course. God, You are so good!

Draw me after you and let us run together! (Song 1:4a)

The drawing after God speaks of pursuing intimacy with Him. This is where I ask Him to make me a wholehearted lover of Him and I receive His love and enjoyment of me. The running together "represents a life of service motivated by compassion for people. It involves obedience in action, reaching out to others, and stepping out in faith." This is also where I move toward others out of the overflow of my encounters with the LORD.

I know that this was out of balance when I was working at the Lycée. I was doing lots of running, but without enough drawing and the end result was that I felt tired and disconnected from God. I think that I had identified myself primarily as a counselor and secondarily as an intercessor. One of the things that I am asking God to do during my season at IHOP-KC is to shift my identity. I think that I am primarily called to be an intercessor, but I want to keep counseling out of the overflow of my time in the place of prayer.

In the notes today, Mike Bickle suggests the following identity and my heart really resonated:

Our primary identity (value/success) is found in who we are in our intimacy with God which consists of being loved by God and in being a lover of God. I confess, "I am loved (by God) and I am a lover (to God/others) therefore, I am successful." We find our identity or success in being desired by God and in loving Him instead of seeking our primary value in how much we accomplish or the impact we make. Our primary identity is not what we do with our hands but what we pursue with our hearts.

I liked this a lot because it's simple and completely independent of my circumstances. And, I no longer have to fear failure. As long as I let God love me and I love Him back, then I will be successful.

Later, Mike Bickle makes another comment in the notes:

There is no success in counseling to bring people to wholeness apart from the pursuit of wholeheartedness to God. It simply doesn't work. You are not made that way. You were made to cry for the kisses of His word.

I'm also offering up to God the way that I offer counseling and I'm asking Him to make adjustments. When I met with Elise, one of the partners at Glenwood, to sign my contract, she told me that one of the things that they liked about me is that I'm a Christian because that is not a population that they work with very much. They specifically want me to market myself to churches and as a Christian because this is a market that they are not reaching as a business. I was incredibly encouraged by this affirmation of who I am and this invitation for me to practice counseling as a Christian! But, I'm not sure exactly what that will look like for me because I have never been overtly Christian in my counseling. So, I'm still asking God to direct me in this area.

But, I'm feeling really great today and resting in the knowledge that God is sovereign over my future. As long as I make loving Him wholeheartedly my first priority, then I believe that He will give me the wisdom and direction to do everything else.

Day 8

I had my first Daniel class yesterday afternoon with Dale Anderson and my first PHD (Prophecy, Healing and Deliverance) class this afternoon with Jeff Eggers. But, I will tell you more about those classes another day…

What I really want to share today is from my second Forerunner class this morning with Alisha Powell. We are currently working through the Song of Songs curriculum. We began by talking about the superior pleasures that are found in intimacy with Christ. Alisha made the point that it is not enough just to say no to the pleasures of sin. If we say no, then we are obedient, but we will likely fall back into sin if we do not replace the pursuit of sinful pleasures with the superior pleasures of connecting with God. She also made the distinction between "affection-based obedience" and "fear-based obedience" or "shame-based obedience". "Affection-based obedience" is obedience that flows from experiencing Jesus' love or affection for us. "Fear-based obedience" or "shame-based obedience" is obedience that flows from fear of being put to shame or the fear of suffering negative consequences. If I'm afraid of being caught, I don't usually stop sinning; I just become sneakier and hide my sin. This increases my fear of being caught and put to shame and creates a whole vicious cycle. If, on the other hand, I am enjoying God and I feel that He enjoys me too, then it will be much easier for me to obey His word.

I also liked a statement that I found in the notes about what to do in difficult circumstances:

In difficult circumstances, we actively rejoice in God and confess His loving leadership instead of sinking in anxiety. (That's what I usually do—sinking into anxiety!) We declare that we are glad in His good leadership. In the darkness of the midnight hour, we remember the revelation He gave us in His chambers.

His banner (leadership) over me was love. (Song 2:4)

We know that all things work together for good to those who love God… (Rom 8:28)

They sang responsively…giving thanks to the LORD: "For He is good, for His mercy endures forever toward Israel." (Ezra 3:11)

I am really, really trying to change to way that I think and it's hard. I have discovered that I literally have hundreds of anxious thoughts each day. I am trying to respond to the Holy Spirit and every time He points one out to me, I repent, I ask Him to help me take that thought captive and then I remind myself that God is good toward me, all the time. I also like Psalm 145:9:

The LORD is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made.

And just yesterday, when I did that for the umpteenth time, I realized that God was not mad or disappointed in me because I keep thinking anxious thoughts. I could actually feel His pleasure over me for desiring to have a pure mind with thoughts that submit to Him. This was new for me because I have a hard time believing that God is pleased with me even when I think I'm doing a good job at life. I don't know if I have ever felt His pleasure when I was actively struggling through something. I feel really excited because I think that His affection is starting to break into my heart. I am starting to see what I have been asking Him to reveal to me: that one glance of my eye ravishes His heart. (Song 4:9)

So, I keep praying, as Mike Bickle recommends in the study guide:

Father, let Your Son kiss me with His word. Let Your Son put His hand upon my heart. Enlarge my capacity to experience affection from Jesus. Let Your Son increase my capacity to receive His love.

He is doing it, Praise God!

Also, I was really moved this morning during the 4 AM watch when we prayed for Haiti. I'm not sure if I experienced the anointed prayer that Mike preached about, but this felt pretty intense to me. My heart felt like it was on fire, literally, and my whole body was tingling. I was just weeping as I interceded for the church in Haiti and especially the orphans. I had two different opportunities to join in rapid fire prayer and I did, praying in French both times. I almost didn't make it through the line the first time because it was right in the middle of feeling so gripped that it hurt me to breathe. After about 30 to 45 minutes, it lifted. I continued praying, but it no longer felt as intense. If you have a heart for Haiti, then I encourage you to go back and watch the archives. I guess they pray for Haiti every Wednesday at 4 AM, so I'm going to make sure that I have my French Bible with me next time so that I can pray the scriptures too.

Day 7

Some reflections on fasting:

Fasting is hard. I understand that it's hard for most people. But, I don't want to be like most people. I want to be better. I have fasted in the past, but I usually only fasted one or two meals and I almost always drank juice. And, since I discovered Daniel fasting about a year and a half ago, I usually just do that. But, now I'm a Fire in the Night intern in the middle of a 21-day Daniel fast that almost everyone in the IHOP-KC community is participating in. And, it's the Global Bridegroom Fast because it's the first Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of the month. And, I really want to go hard after the LORD for the next 12 weeks. So, I decided that I would do a water fast for the three days of the GBF and then resume Daniel fasting on Thursday.

Yesterday went pretty well. I really wasn't that hungry and I spent meal times in the prayer room, which was fun because I got to see some non-Night Watch worship leaders that I don't see that often. I must admit that I was pretty cranky by last night. We had to go to a team small group meeting with three other groups to discuss some final orientation questions. I really just wanted to do my blog and go to bed. Instead, I had to sit in a room with about 30 other women, say my name and where I was from and then listen attentively for an hour. Fortunately, I went to bed shortly after that and slept fairly well.

But, when I woke up this morning, I did not feel good. I started getting nervous when I thought that I was going to fall over in the shower. Then, I couldn't stand up, my heart was beating really fast, I was getting a mix of chills and hot flashes and I thought that I was going to pass out. I tried drinking cold water and lying down for a while, but it didn't pass. I even caved and ate a banana and it still didn't pass. I had to lie on the couch for another hour and one of my roommates had to go to the cafeteria to get me an orange juice and a bagel before I was well enough to get dressed and go to class.

Physically, I feel OK now. I have a headache and I feel tired, but I'm functional again. Emotionally however, I feel frustrated, disappointed and embarrassed. I wanted to fast for 3 days and I'm disappointed that I only made it one day before my body said No. I am frustrated that my body said No and that it wouldn't do what I wanted it to. This also brings up other frustrations that I have with my body and chronic conditions that I wish I didn't have, but I won't go into that now. Finally, I feel embarrassed because I know that other people are doing water fasts and they are not having this problem.

As I have been praying through this, God has been bringing a few things to my mind.

When I came into the prayer room after my Life of David class yesterday, Jon Thurlow was finishing a watch. He was singing a song that I had never heard before and the chorus was really powerful.

I'm holding on to Your divine love

I'm holding on and I'm not letting go

It's not my zeal it's that Your love is strong

It's not my strength it's that You're faithful

I look into Your eyes of mercy

I remember that your heart is for me

I felt moved then because I often try to serve the LORD and do things for Him in my own strength. This song reminded me that it's not about what I do; it's about who God is. God reminded me of that this morning and I think that I may have been trying to fast in my own strength. I didn't really consider whether or not I could jump into a 3-day water fast without having done much water fasting beforehand. I didn't really think about what my body might do in response to such a shift in my behavior and I was very surprised and a little scared this morning. I don't want to give up on trying to fast, but I do want to consider how I can do it in a responsible way. Since I have had some success with juice fasts and Daniel fasts, I would like to see if I can start from there and then gradually push myself to drink more and more water when I fast, instead of drinking juice or eating fruits and vegetables.

My embarrassment revealed to me that I have been feeling prideful about what a great Christian I am. I'm reminded of the analogy of what happens when you are a big fish in a small pond and then you move to a big pond. I had not realized that this was true of me, but I now think that I proudly saw myself as a nice, big, impressive, godly fish in our small community. Now I'm at IHOP-KC and everyone loves to pray and do harp-and-bowl. In my track alone, we have already had one guy who had Jesus wake him up in the middle of the night and speak to him and one girl who had a vision. I'm suddenly surround by people who are just as wise and just as spiritually mature and passionate as I am. I can no longer compare myself to the people around me and feel better about myself. The good news in this painful discovery is that it has revealed my pride towards others. Now I can repent and ask God to help me have a more humble view of myself that is rooted in His affections toward me rather than in impressing other people.

I was also encouraged because I did feel the love of God yesterday, sustaining me in my fast, and this morning, through my roommates who prayed over me and went and got me food to help me feel better. So, I actually think that this fast was successful in many ways. God, you are so gracious and gentle with me. Thank you.

Day 6

Classes started today!

We began the day with Tools for the Prayer Room. We watched part 1 of a 2-part DVD on the 16 core values of IHOP-KC. Mike presented the first 8 values and explained that they all fall under the category of Enjoyable Prayer. This comes from Isaiah 56:6-7:

Also the foreigners who join themselves to the LORD, to minister to Him, and to love the name of the LORD, to be His servants, every one who keeps from profaning the Sabbath and holds fast My covenant; even those I will bring to My holy mountain and make them joyful in My house of prayer. Their burnt offerings and their sacrifices will be acceptable on My altar; for My house will be called a house of prayer for all the peoples.

8 Core Values:

• God wants us to enjoy intimacy with Him
  
• The necessity of combining intercession with worship
  
• Praying in the Spirit and spontaneous song
  
  • Cultivating a flowing heart where we feel God's love toward us and we feel love back toward Him and toward others.
    
• Cultivating a prophetic spirit on the worship leaders
  
• Antiphonal singing
  
• Agreement with God's heart
  
  • This has to do with strategic intercession, which I really like. This is when you ask God what is on His heart and then pray for it.
    
• Divine entertainment
  
  • This is basically the outward expression of what is happening in the prayer room. We cannot just pray. The prayer has to lead to doing things outside of the prayer room like preaching the gospel or praying for healing.
    
• Path to fullness
  
  • Unity in the larger body of Christ.
    

I love the idea that God made prayer to be enjoyable! And, I find the mixing of prayer and worship to be very enjoyable. I was also impacted when he talked about value 4: cultivating a prophetic spirit on the worship leaders. Mike talked about how the human spirit is musical and we are meant to enjoy the flow of God in music. Worship leaders need to keep their hearts connected with God in order to posture themselves for this prophetic flow. So, I'm adding all of R2HOP's worship leaders to my weekly prayer schedule. I will be praying for God to keep their hearts deeply connected with Him and to cultivate that prophetic spirit over each of our worship leaders.

I also learned that anyone can pray on the mic during the 4 AM intercession watch. Very interesting. I could be praying for Rockford and asking the prayer room to join me very soon!

This afternoon, we had our first Life of David class, taught by Clay Edwards. He gave us an overview of the class, but I think that the most meaningful thing he said might have been about a sermon series that Mike preached several years ago called the Perils of Perfectionism. Clay talked about how perfectionism can bind you in a performance spirit and keep you thinking that your worth is dependent on your success. I was REALLY resonating with what He was saying and think that I probably need to look for this series on www.mikebickle.org. But, then Clay talked about how David really studied God's emotions and this was how he came to know that God was mostly glad toward him. Then I was reading The Rewards of Fasting and this similar statement jumped out to me:

God wants our identity and sense of value to be rooted and grounded in the knowledge of His affections for us.

Several IHOP-KC leaders have now touched on this topic and this is something that I really want to go after. Understanding God's affection for me in such a way that it transforms me and helps me to feel secure in Him. Fortunately, this message seems to be coming up everywhere!

Day 5 – Day of Consecration

Today was our day of consecration. Dale spoke beforehand to help us prepare. He shared about Paul and his encounter with Jesus. He challenged us to press God for this kind of life-changing encounter during internship. Dale also explained that there are two kinds of consecration:

• Consecrate out of…
  
• Consecrate unto…
  

He encouraged us to ask the LORD how He wants us to be consecrated with respect to both types. Then, he sent us to the prayer room for the next 6 hours to work through our consecration assignment.

I really appreciated this assignment because it helped me to organize all of the things that I have already been working through. We began with Thanksgiving. When I reflected on where I have been and what God has already done, I felt very grateful. I am coming from a place of high anxiety and the heavy burden of tremendous expectations. I used to feel disconnected from my feelings and separated from the parts of me that I thought were undesirable. Truly, God has been setting me free. Like in 1 Peter 2:9, I am coming out of the darkness of fear and into the marvelous light of God's love.

I definitely want to consecrate myself out of anxiety of all kinds. As I spend time in the prayer room, I am becoming more aware of how often I feel anxious. I worry about what other people think of me. I worry about what God thinks of me. I worry about the future. I worry about my finances. I worry that God will not provide for me. I worry that I'm not good enough. Worry. Worry. Worry. It's almost always there. Gnawing at the back of my brain. And, I'm actually much less anxious then I used to be! But, I really want to be free. I want to feel sure that God loves me, forgives me and accepts me. I want to believe that He is always good and that His goodness is always towards me. I want to believe that He enjoys me and that He wants me to enjoy Him. I want to believe that He is really enough for me. I want to form new and healthy thought habits that are characterized by peace rather than anxiety.

So, I am consecrating the next 12 weeks out of anxiety and unto God. I want to separate unto receiving the love of God and enjoying worshipping Him. I want to separate unto knowing God more and meditating on the WORD. I want to separate unto intercession and just resting in God's presence. I want to be separate so that I can contend for breakthroughs here and at home.

This afternoon, we went to the Forerunner Christian Fellowship service and Mike Bickle preached. He talked about how one of the things that we are contending for during our 21-day Daniel fast is receiving the gift of anointed prayer. He told us about some of the prophetic words that they have received about a coming revival unlike anything that we have seen since the last great awakening. IHOP-KC is posturing themselves to receive this by cultivating a lifestyle of prayer, but they want to lean in even further and contend for a greater outpouring of the Holy Spirit.

I got really excited about this, but more for Rockford, than for Kansas City. God has spoken a number of prophetic words over us too. I know that our HOP is small, but I believe that our sincere desire to posture our hearts before the LORD in humility and to cultivate a lifestyle of prayer is the same. I am asking God to add to our number other people living with an unusual affection and radical dedication to Jesus. I really want Rockford to be a revival center too. So, I am also going to contend for this during my season of consecration.

Day 4 – Sauna Saturday!

We call Saturdays Sauna days because we spend close to 8 hours in the prayer room. We spend our first two hours of the day, from midnight to 2 AM, in the prayer room. We had a great time of intercession for healing this morning. If you enjoy watching the archives, then I definitely recommend this watch.

At 2 AM, we met together to listen to part of the message from the Encountering God service last night. We cannot attend this service because it happens while we are sleeping. But, like last night, there are often important messages that they share at this service. We take time to review these things on Saturday mornings so that we don't miss out.

This morning, we listened to the audio of Mike Bickle's interview of Aaron Walsh, one of the leaders of the Tauranga HOP in New Zealand. He shared some powerful prophetic dreams that he has had in the past year where God shared with him what He is going to bring to the church regarding finances.

• In the first dream, Jesus was a surveyor who detected a huge amount of oil under the FCF building. Aaron knew that this was the oil from Matthew 25.
  
• In the second dream, God told Aaron to pray for 1,000,000 new messengers to be added to the prayer movement in order to raise up 1,000,000,000 new converts, as well as a budget of $1 trillion to accomplish this.
  
• In the third dream, Aaron was at a meeting of the global prayer movement. God told them that a far worse shaking was coming, but that the prayer movement is not to fear. The shaking is actually for us. For 6 million years, God has held himself back from a great transfer of finances. However, He is not going to restrain Himself any longer. But, you must believe that God is good to you in His personal provision for you. God said that the war of faith and fear will be fought on the battlefield of personal finance. The way forward: God is going to release a generous spirit that dismantles fear in our hearts. He will use the economic shaking to reveal our fears regarding our personal finances. If we turn to God, He will dismantle our fears and give us faith to trust His provision and be generous with others. God wants to communicate deeply that He is our source.
  
• In the fourth dream, God told Aaron that the Mother of all fears is finance. We attack fear by moving in the opposite spirit. Instead of moving to labor in our hearts to fix the problem, we need to trust in God to provide for us.
  

I was really impacted by this message. I have a lot of fear about my personal finances so this message was very convicting for me. Dale also challenged us further by saying that anxiety comes from not understanding the love of the Father for me, not knowing where my home and safety is. I received prayer during the ministry time and repented for being anxious and not believing that God is really good to me. I asked Him to show me how much He loves me and longs to be compassionate and generous with me.

When we returned to the prayer room at 3 AM, I read through Luke 15, John 14, and Philippians 3:20, Psalms 27 and 34. I stopped and meditated on the verses that talked about the goodness of God. I asked Him to transform my thinking about His goodness, His generosity and His provision for me.

After our lunch break we returned to the prayer room from 6 AM to 10 AM. I spent some more time searching for additional verses that describe how God provides like Haggai 2:8, Psalm 154:9, 1 Peter 5:6-7, Philippians 4:19 and Ephesians 3:20-21. I have felt God's peace in a fresh way since then. I know that I will be tempted to be anxious again, but I am praying that I will run straight to Jesus the next time I start to feel that familiar pressure and fear creep into my heart and my mind.

If you are interested in hearing Aaron's word yourself, then I encourage you to visit the archives and select the Friday night, 6 PM watch. His testimony begins about 1 hour and 35 minutes into the watch.