Day 3

Stuart Greaves spoke to us this morning and he is really funny!

One highlight for me was when he was talking about how prayer is being vulnerable with God. He gave the example of Jeremiah in chapter 20, beginning in verse 7, when he is basically calling God a liar, "O LORD, You have deceived me and I was deceived". Then, just 6 verses later in verse 13, he is praising God, "Sing to the LORD, praise the LORD!" And, then in the very next verse, verse 14, Jeremiah curses the day he was born and in verse 15, he goes even further and says, "Cursed be the man who brought the news to my father." Stuart was making cracks about how we can be so angry one minute, worshipping God the next, and then despairing just another minute later. I have had this experience many times, so it was affirming to think that the famous prophet Jeremiah had this same problem and God still used him mightily.

I really enjoyed my time in the prayer room this morning. I had to work through several orientation questions in order to prepare for our core apartment group meeting this afternoon. In answering the first question about who I believe I am, I realized that God is not the only person who is defining my identity. My identity is also shaped by what I think God wants from me and how well or poorly I am living up to what I believe are His expectations. I came to the conclusion that though I think that I am loved by God, I don't always feel very sure that he likes me, especially when I don't think that I'm walking in obedience or holiness.

This process paved the way for me to answer the second question: describe why you believe you are here at IHOP-KC and what you hope to get out of this season. I really want to encounter the love of God and to feel confident that He enjoys me. I want to know God more, as a person, and to allow Him to know me without hiding what I am afraid are undesirable parts of my personality. I want to soak in the warmth of His love and find rest for my weary spirit and freedom from my many fears. I want His thoughts and feelings about me to become the most influential and important in shaping my identity.

My core apartment group is made up of me, my three roommates, and four girls from Track 2 who live in another apartment and our leader Jiun Chern. We each shared our responses to these two questions. It was powerful to hear the testimonies from the Track 2 girls about what God has been doing in their lives. This was also a great opportunity to hear more specifically from my roommates about why they came to FITN and what they are hoping to see God do in the next 3 months. I was able to share with them honestly, even though that can be hard for me, and they were very supportive and encouraging. I think that this will be a great group of women to have around me as I go through the "detox" process that God seems to have started in me since I arrived. It's like all of my fears, the wrong things that I believe about God and all of my weaknesses are rushing to the surface at the same time. I'm thankful for this opportunity to see them, repent, ask for forgiveness and help, but it can feel kind of overwhelming when they come all at once. So, I'm very thankful that I am not alone and that I am surrounded by people who are going through a similar experience.

We finished our day at orientation for the Children's Equipping Center. I will likely be serving there once a week and they are doing some incredible ministry and training with children! Their children are singing apostolic prayers and learning how to listen to the Holy Spirit, interpret dreams and pray prophetically. So, I think that it would be a wonderful opportunity for me to complete service hours there. Hopefully, I can learn tons of stuff that we can replicate at R2HOP!