Day 56

I know that it's been a few days since I've posted a blog entry. It's just been really busy here; as usual. But, here are a few highlights from the past few days:

Sunday FCF service with Mike Bickle: He preached on the Humility of God. Mike talked about how humility is part of God's eternal nature and that Jesus has existed eternally in the form of God as a servant. I had never thought of this before. I, like most Gentiles, tend to focus on Jesus being God, which He is. I thought that His humility came when He took on human flesh and came to earth. I didn't realize that Jesus was just as humble before He became a man as He is now. Mike also said that meekness is power under control, which I really liked. Jesus has perfect power under perfect control. Wow.

Mike also mentioned that people never knew how superior Jesus' abilities were. Can you imagine?! Even when He was doing miracles, people just thought that He was an anointed prophet. They had no idea that Jesus was actually God. I don't like to be misunderstood or when people underestimate me. I am usually quick to correct people when this happens. But, Jesus was content to be ordinary. Every time that people treated Him as a normal man, they underestimated Him. I also care A LOT about my reputation, although I am working through this as I renounce my fear of man. But, Jesus was not concerned about His reputation (Phil 2:6-8). He never insisted that people treat Him as He deserved to be treated, although He honored people like the centurion who recognized Him as a man of authority.

Finally Mike talked about how the very fact that God loves and enjoys weak and broken humans like us reveals His humility. He could not feel affection towards us if He was proud and insisted on what He deserved. Jesus could have won everyone's allegiance in one second if He would have come to earth in His full glory and power. We would have been completely dazzled, the way I often am by celebrities. But, Jesus wanted to win our hearts for love, so He decided to come as an extremely ordinary man (Isa 53:2-3). He is like the prince who disguises his true identity in order to be loved for himself rather than his privileges.

Monday: Toward the end of the 4 AM intercession set, we sang in the Spirit for a good 20 minutes and it was really cool. I kept thinking of Song of Solomon 4:9:

You have made my heart beat faster, my sister, my bride; you have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes, with a single strand of your necklace.

I just imagined how moved God's heart must have been to hear all of our voices lifting up to Him simultaneously. If a single glance of my eye makes His heart beat faster, than how does He feel when over 100 people sing straight to His heart from their spirits? I hope that His heart felt exuberant at our praises and that our affection for Him brought a great big smile to His face. I hope that we are a welcome resting place for His Spirit on the earth in the midst of evil all around.

Tuesday: We talked about how Jesus is looking for friends in our large core group meeting today. We discussed people like Moses, John the Baptist, John the Beloved and Peter and what being a friend means.

The combination of all of these things has been encouraging me to think more and more about Jesus' humanity and how I impact Him when I engage in relationship with Him.

Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am… John 17:24

Jesus wants me to be with Him. He likes me and He calls me His friend (John 15). I want to be a good friend to Him. I want to be near Him and to bring joy to His heart. I know that Jesus makes intercession before the Father and I want to join Him as the disciplines did in the garden of Gethsemane. I want to watch and pray with Him as they did. I don't think that I actually understand what it means to be Jesus' friend, but I want to and I'm asking Him to make me His friend.

Day 52 – Come up here

I really, really want to have an encounter with Jesus! I would like to visit heaven, in a dream or a vision. I want to see angels. I have wanted this for a while, but this desire just keeps increasing over the course of my internship. I keep hearing from all of these people who have had encounters and I am provoked to jealousy (godly, I hope). I want one!

On Wednesday, Julie Meyer talked to us about dreams and shared some of the significant dreams that God has given her in recent years. She thinks that one of the things that make dreams so great is that God comes to you. I had never thought of it in those terms, but it's true! All I do is go to sleep. God does all the rest. Julie also challenged us to get the Bible into our minds and hearts. She challenged us by stating that we will dream about what captures our attention during the day. If I'm worrying about different situations in my life, I often find that I dream about them. Or, if I am spending lots of time reading a book or watching a TV series, I have also found that I will dream about them. So, I want to make God the thing in my head that takes up the most space. I want conversation with Him or thinking about Him as I read or remember or sing Scriptures to be what captures my attention during the day because I really, really want to encounter Him while I sleep.

Julie has had several heavenly dreams. She told us that she started having them after she committed to asking for them over the period of a few years. Julie mentioned that she meditated on Revelation 4:1:

After these things I looked, and behold, a door standing open in heaven, and the first voice which I had heard, like the sound of a trumpet speaking with me, said, "Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after these things."

Julie did a word study on this verse and she said that the "come up here" is repetitive. God wants us to come up there again and again and again. Julie took this verse as a personal promise and started asking God to bring her up to heaven. She challenged us to believe this verse too and to own the idea that God wants to reveal Himself to us in dreams. He would love to bring us up to encounter Him in heaven. We just need to start asking.

This was also meaningful to me because I have been studying Revelation 4 and Ezekiel 1. I really want to have a mental picture of what God's throne room looks like so that I when I am praying I can imagine that I am right there. I am a real person praying to a real God who sits on a real throne in a real place! But, it's been challenging because some of this stuff makes no sense to me. I am a very visual person, but I keep reading these passages over and over again and I'm still having a hard time forming a mental picture of what these living creatures look like (Eze 1:5-25, Rev 4:6-9) and what God looks like (Eze 1, Rev 4). But, I want to know! So, I am going to keep studying and keep asking God to increase my revelation.

I got fired up even more when I noticed that Ezekiel was 30 when he had his first vision (Eze 1:1)! I had forgotten this, but Levites would begin their service as a priest when they turned 30. I am in my 30^th year and I am a part of a priestly family, on earth and in heaven. I want to have heavenly visions! I want to receive the word of the Lord the way that Ezekiel did and I want to minister before God in the place of prayer and worship. So, I'm asking God to let me come up there. And, I actually think that this is available to all of us. So, if your heart is feeling stirred and you have a desire to go up there too; then start asking. I think that God would love to bring all of us up for a preview of coming attractions: heaven!

Day 51 – Yes by Yes

We had a special guest speaker at PHD (Prophecy, Healing and Deliverance) class on Wednesday: Julie Meyer. She was amazing! And, really, really funny and engaging, which is always helpful during afternoon classes. Julie talked to us about dreams and shared some of the significant dreams that God has given her in recent years. One of the words that God gave her in a dream really challenged me. He told her, "Day by day, step by step, choice by choice, and yes by yes." Julie said that God promised her that He would do the big transformative work in her life and heart if she would be faithful to say "Yes" to Him in the small choices of her daily life. Then, she gave two examples of how this worked in her life: her speech and in fasting.

Julie told a funny story about how she was shopping in Dollar General on a fast day and really wanted to buy a candy bar. She said that all of the candy bars in the checkout lane were calling her name and jumping up and down. But, Julie remembered that it was a fast day and felt the Holy Spirit tell her that this was a tiny opportunity for her to say "Yes" to Him. She left with her purchase and felt victorious in having made one more small choice that said "Yes." With regard to her speech, Julie told us that she actually keeps a cork in her bathroom. Sometimes she puts it in her mouth when she is getting ready. Julie will look at herself in the mirror and tell herself that this is what she needs to do whenever she wants to speak critically or complain. She tries to imagine herself with the cork in her mouth during the day when she feels tempted to say something that she knows will dishonor God. I love it!

The main reason that I really liked her suggestions is that it feels much more positive to try and say "Yes" to Jesus all day long than to say "No" to sin. I really want to "fight the good fight" against sin and I've been trying to say "No" whenever it presents itself. But, I have noticed that this can be discouraging. I sin A LOT, every day. After a while, I feel tired of saying "No" and watching for sin that I want to do. I also feel frustrated that I still want to sin. Saying "Yes" to Jesus, on the other hand, feels fantastic. I love to offer my "Yes" to Him and I feel a swell of His pleasure and affection for me every time I do this. Sometimes, I do it just for fun, in random places. In my heart I say, "Yes, Jesus. I love you. I say yes to You." And then there is this tickle in my Spirit because I know that He loves my yes. God loves it when I come into agreement with Him!

So, please be encouraged. This is for everyone, but especially for those who are really struggling with condemnation. If you are saying "Yes" to Jesus, then He is NOT condemning you! That is the enemy and you can tell him to "SHUT UP!" God is SO gracious towards us! The Holy Spirit convicts us of sin because He loves us and He wants our good. He knows that sin will only ensnare us and steal our joy, peace and, most importantly, our intimacy and connection with God. God wants us to have unbroken communion with Him because He knows that this is what gives us the most satisfaction. He disciplines us because He loves us and we are His legitimate children! Commit to obey God and just focus on saying "Yes" to Him all day long. If you fall into sin, just repent and keep going. Start saying "Yes" again. If you say "Yes" in the small things, with the grace that God gives you, then He will be faithful to set you free from sin, conform you to His image and renew your mind.

Day 49 – Coming home…

I am feeling excited and anxious about coming home in a month. I am VERY excited to see my family and friends. I feel energized and joyful about continuing to build R2HOP and serving in some new ways there. Every time that I read Isaiah 61, I feel so thankful that I get to partner with Jesus in healing the broken hearted and proclaiming liberty to the captives through my work as a counselor. It's the idea of resuming "normal life" that has me feeling nervous. I am just not sure how to maintain all of the good changes that God has been making in me and the new ideas and practices that have taken root in my life when my entire schedule and all of my activities don't expressly facilitate this. I don't know what will happen when I have to create my own structure to continue what God has been doing in me here.

I think that I'm experiencing the tension between living in the spiritual and living in the natural again. We just started a new class this morning: End-Times with Blaise Foret. (Blaise is one of our main core leaders and my apt. has decided he is like a younger Corey Russell, if that gives you any ideas about his personality and teaching style.) We studied Matthew 24 and began talking about the "birth pangs" and the "tribulation". Blaise especially highlighted how important it is for us to be spiritually alert and prepared so that we can stay faithful to Jesus and endure those difficulties. This class was really intense and I left feeling really wound up. I want to give myself over to studying the End-Times in the Bible more and getting ready for the End-Times! But, on the other hand, I'm starting to think more and more about coming home and resuming work and my "normal life". I know that these are also good things and that they are important to the Lord, but they are very different.

I find myself thinking, "How do I do both well? How do I continue to pursue intimacy with God aggressively and to give Him my all at the same time that I work a job, enjoy relationship with my family and friends and be faithful in all of my "normal life" responsibilities? How does this work, God?!" I really think that it's both for me. I don't feel called to become a mystic and to pull away from the world completely so that I can just gaze on God's beauty. I think that would be really nice, but when He is really filling me up with the fullness of God, there is so much extra love in me that I want to direct it towards someone else. I hope that counseling will be a natural outlet for me to express all of that extra love. But, this world is so enticing! How can I live here and be a part of it without being sucked into giving into my raging appetites for entertainment, affirmation, comfort, and success? How do I resist the fear of man when it calls out to me to modify my pursuit of God or minimize my message that Jesus is coming back soon in order to obtain approval and avoid judgment?

I actually had a dream about the fear of man last night and I'm going to share part of it because I think that God has been giving me the answer, at least to that question.

I was counseling a girl in one corner of a large room that was full of people. I let out a roar at one point and everyone turned to look at me. I felt extremely embarrassed and immediately began apologizing and trying to rationalize my behavior. Shortly after this, a demonic man approached me and told me that he had received permission to come against me and oppress me for a period of time. I could actually feel and hear a heavy weight come down on my bed, next to me, as I slept. I began to cry out to Jesus for help. I called out "Beautiful One!" again and again until I felt the weight lift. I was reminded of the lyrics to a song that we often sing in the prayer room, "I love the Lord because He heard my cry and He delivered me from all of my fears." I began saying this chorus to Jesus again and again because I felt so grateful that He had listened to my cry for help and come to rescue me. Then I saw that I was holding a pink, fuzzy vest. I liked it, but I wasn't sure what it was or how to wear it. It buttoned up the back and had a really cool black, white and color logo for "Eternal City" on the inside. I asked Jesus, "What is this?" and I heard, "Encounter with Love." I understood that it was a sort of bullet-proof vest made just for me and that Jesus had to help me put it on and secure it.

I struggle a lot with the fear of man. I think that the roar represents my spirit man who wants to take the kingdom of God by violence. But, I often cave in to fear when I think that everyone is looking at me, especially if they aren't Christians. I start trying to change my message in order to avoid their judgment. But this actually opens me up to more serious spiritual attack. It is Jesus, the "Beautiful One", who is able to deliver me from all of my fears and it is He who protects me with an "encounter with love." I think that the solution for me to come home and resume "normal life" will be to maintain a focus on Jesus and to keep encountering His love on a daily basis. I don't know the exact nature of all the fears that I will face upon reentry, but I do know the Beautiful One who is able to deliver me from all of them.

Day 46 – Does God really want our good?

I have been reading through the book of Jeremiah and it has been challenging some of my ideas about how God is really good.

They shall be My people, and I will be their God; and I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me always, for their own good and for the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; and I will put the fear of Me in their hearts so that they will not turn away from Me. I will rejoice over them to do them good and will faithfully plant them in this land with all My heart and with all My soul. For thus says the LORD, 'Just as I brought all this great disaster on this people, so I am going to bring on them all the good that I am promising them.' (Jeremiah 32:38-42)

The word good is used 5 times in these 4 verses. God is for Israel's good. He is for the good of Israel's children. He commits to planting Israel in their land with all of His heart and His soul. All of this good and these promises are really encouraging until you remember that Jeremiah is receiving this word from God while He is in prison. He was "shut up in the court of the guard" (Jer 32:2) because the king was mad that he was prophesying the destruction of Jerusalem. And, this is after Jeremiah was thrown into the dungeon (Jer 37:16) and then rescued from being thrown into a cistern to starve to death (Jer 38:6-9). And, this is all at the same time that the city of Jerusalem is under siege by Babylon.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure that I would be that interested in hearing about the "good" that God had planned for my city and my people if I had suffered like Jeremiah. Even if I was interested, it would be really hard to believe that God really wanted our good when I looked at the natural circumstances of living in a besieged city, being unjustly persecuted and imprisoned, and being on the verge of either death or living in captivity for 70 years. And yet, there it is in Jeremiah 32. God is clearly talking to Jeremiah about how much He loves Israel and how committed He is to their good.

This is really hard for me to understand and my life circumstances aren't even that difficult. I am really praying and asking God to convince me that He is for my good no matter what I see when I look at what is happening around me and to me. I think that this is important now and I can imagine that it will be even more important in the days to come. As I read what the Bible says about the last days before Jesus returns again, things sound extremely difficult. If I don't learn how to persevere through difficulty while maintaining the belief that God is good now, then what will I do in those days?

I think of Hebrews 12:15: See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled…

This verse reminds me to pay attention to what is happening in my heart and mind in response to my life. I am trying to train myself to start asking the following question every day: How do I respond when I get what I don't think I deserve or when I don't get what I think that I do deserve? In other words, what promotions and rewards do I think I deserve that I am not getting? Is there anything or anyone who is offending me? Am I feeling mistreated or thinking that I am getting something that I do not deserve? What are my expectations for how God and others should be treating me? My answers to these kinds of questions can reveal where bitterness toward God or others is springing up in my heart; where I am tempted to believe that God is not really good or for my good. Knowing this helps me know when and how I need to repent and remind myself of truth. God is good. I want to believe this because it's true, not because it seems true in my life.

Day 45 – My fight

The Conflict of the Two Natures: Romans 7:14-25

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not…For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members… (Verses 18, 22)

Deliverance from Bondage: Romans 8:1-25

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace…So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh—for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. (Verses 1, 3-6, 12-13)

I am experiencing this struggle that Paul describes so well in Romans. I am learning so many things and encountering the love of God, but still struggling with the same old sins. How can this be?! This happens because sanctification is a transformative process that happens over time.

For this, I really appreciate how IHOP-KC encourages us to define our identity: God loves me and I love God, but I struggle with sin. As God lavishes His love on me, I feel love back towards Him and my hatred for sin grows. I become like the violent men from John 11:12 who are seizing the kingdom of heaven. I commit to love and obey God again. But usually, after only a few short minutes, I find myself sinning again. So I repent and recommit. And then, I sin yet again. And this goes on and on, all day, every day.

Without fail, this endless cycle eventually leads to me feeling frustrated and discouraged. I want to give up, but I know that there are only two sides in this struggle: Jesus and Satan. I am sure that I don't want to change sides, but I'm not sure how to handle my heart given the reality of my struggle with sin. Fortunately several of my teachers have reminded us of another IHOP-KC mantra: "If you don't quit, then you win." I really think that this is an important reminder for me.

It's actually humbling, in a good way, for me to repent over and over again every day. It is my pride that says, "I'm tired of failure. I'm not committing to obey anymore." God hates pride and He's helping me to hate it too (Prov 8:13). If this process will destroy my pride, then I want to embrace it wholeheartedly. My flesh is weak, it's true. But, my spirit is willing and God is making it stronger every day. Again, God seems to be inviting me to embrace my weakness and I commit to saying "Yes" as many times as it takes.

Day 41 – Message to the Exiles

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

I think almost everyone has heard this verse at some point in their life. As Corey Russell says, it's popular for graduation cards and we usually use it to encourage people when life is feeling difficult. But, do you realize that this message was actually sent to the exiles in Babylon at the beginning of their 70 year captivity?! God wanted to encourage them because they would be in exile for the next 70 years. He also directed them to establish themselves in Babylon (verses 4-7). This really struck me today and I started thinking about how our life here on earth, waiting for Jesus' second coming, is like being in exile.

Having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth…But as it is, they desire a better county, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not [ashamed of them, to be] called their God; for He has prepared a city for them. Hebrews 11:13b, 16

In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. John 14:2-3

Seek the welfare [or peace] of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare [or peace] you will have welfare [or peace]. Jeremiah 29:7

This earth is not my home. I am an exile here while Jesus prepares a place for me in heaven. My true home is in heaven with Him for all of eternity. I desire to live in that home because I know that it is better to be with Jesus. But, for the time being, God has called me to live here, on earth. And, He asks me to pray for the welfare or peace of the earthly city where He has placed me.

In this context, I think that Jeremiah 29:11 is actually a promise that heaven is for real. I like to use this verse whenever I am wrestling with God because I perceive that He won't give me something that I want. I say to Him, "You said that You have plans for my welfare and NOT for calamity, to give me a future and a hope. I don't think that You are holding up Your end of the bargain when I look at my circumstances." But, it may be that I just have the wrong application of this Scripture. Instead of trying to use it to persuade God to change my circumstances, I can ask God to use it to change my heart and to help me live for eternity.

I also want to do my part to pray for the welfare and peace of my city so that I can join the global prayer movement that hastens the day of the LORD's return (2 Peter 3:12). I want to send up all the prayer and worship that I can to fill up those golden bowls of incense that are in heaven (Rev 5:8). I want to contribute to the songs to Jesus that are going to cover the entire earth before He returns (Isa 42:10-12). These are things that I can do now in anticipation of the day when God will bring me home.