Day 49 – Coming home…

I am feeling excited and anxious about coming home in a month. I am VERY excited to see my family and friends. I feel energized and joyful about continuing to build R2HOP and serving in some new ways there. Every time that I read Isaiah 61, I feel so thankful that I get to partner with Jesus in healing the broken hearted and proclaiming liberty to the captives through my work as a counselor. It's the idea of resuming "normal life" that has me feeling nervous. I am just not sure how to maintain all of the good changes that God has been making in me and the new ideas and practices that have taken root in my life when my entire schedule and all of my activities don't expressly facilitate this. I don't know what will happen when I have to create my own structure to continue what God has been doing in me here.

I think that I'm experiencing the tension between living in the spiritual and living in the natural again. We just started a new class this morning: End-Times with Blaise Foret. (Blaise is one of our main core leaders and my apt. has decided he is like a younger Corey Russell, if that gives you any ideas about his personality and teaching style.) We studied Matthew 24 and began talking about the "birth pangs" and the "tribulation". Blaise especially highlighted how important it is for us to be spiritually alert and prepared so that we can stay faithful to Jesus and endure those difficulties. This class was really intense and I left feeling really wound up. I want to give myself over to studying the End-Times in the Bible more and getting ready for the End-Times! But, on the other hand, I'm starting to think more and more about coming home and resuming work and my "normal life". I know that these are also good things and that they are important to the Lord, but they are very different.

I find myself thinking, "How do I do both well? How do I continue to pursue intimacy with God aggressively and to give Him my all at the same time that I work a job, enjoy relationship with my family and friends and be faithful in all of my "normal life" responsibilities? How does this work, God?!" I really think that it's both for me. I don't feel called to become a mystic and to pull away from the world completely so that I can just gaze on God's beauty. I think that would be really nice, but when He is really filling me up with the fullness of God, there is so much extra love in me that I want to direct it towards someone else. I hope that counseling will be a natural outlet for me to express all of that extra love. But, this world is so enticing! How can I live here and be a part of it without being sucked into giving into my raging appetites for entertainment, affirmation, comfort, and success? How do I resist the fear of man when it calls out to me to modify my pursuit of God or minimize my message that Jesus is coming back soon in order to obtain approval and avoid judgment?

I actually had a dream about the fear of man last night and I'm going to share part of it because I think that God has been giving me the answer, at least to that question.

I was counseling a girl in one corner of a large room that was full of people. I let out a roar at one point and everyone turned to look at me. I felt extremely embarrassed and immediately began apologizing and trying to rationalize my behavior. Shortly after this, a demonic man approached me and told me that he had received permission to come against me and oppress me for a period of time. I could actually feel and hear a heavy weight come down on my bed, next to me, as I slept. I began to cry out to Jesus for help. I called out "Beautiful One!" again and again until I felt the weight lift. I was reminded of the lyrics to a song that we often sing in the prayer room, "I love the Lord because He heard my cry and He delivered me from all of my fears." I began saying this chorus to Jesus again and again because I felt so grateful that He had listened to my cry for help and come to rescue me. Then I saw that I was holding a pink, fuzzy vest. I liked it, but I wasn't sure what it was or how to wear it. It buttoned up the back and had a really cool black, white and color logo for "Eternal City" on the inside. I asked Jesus, "What is this?" and I heard, "Encounter with Love." I understood that it was a sort of bullet-proof vest made just for me and that Jesus had to help me put it on and secure it.

I struggle a lot with the fear of man. I think that the roar represents my spirit man who wants to take the kingdom of God by violence. But, I often cave in to fear when I think that everyone is looking at me, especially if they aren't Christians. I start trying to change my message in order to avoid their judgment. But this actually opens me up to more serious spiritual attack. It is Jesus, the "Beautiful One", who is able to deliver me from all of my fears and it is He who protects me with an "encounter with love." I think that the solution for me to come home and resume "normal life" will be to maintain a focus on Jesus and to keep encountering His love on a daily basis. I don't know the exact nature of all the fears that I will face upon reentry, but I do know the Beautiful One who is able to deliver me from all of them.

Day 46 – Does God really want our good?

I have been reading through the book of Jeremiah and it has been challenging some of my ideas about how God is really good.

They shall be My people, and I will be their God; and I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me always, for their own good and for the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; and I will put the fear of Me in their hearts so that they will not turn away from Me. I will rejoice over them to do them good and will faithfully plant them in this land with all My heart and with all My soul. For thus says the LORD, 'Just as I brought all this great disaster on this people, so I am going to bring on them all the good that I am promising them.' (Jeremiah 32:38-42)

The word good is used 5 times in these 4 verses. God is for Israel's good. He is for the good of Israel's children. He commits to planting Israel in their land with all of His heart and His soul. All of this good and these promises are really encouraging until you remember that Jeremiah is receiving this word from God while He is in prison. He was "shut up in the court of the guard" (Jer 32:2) because the king was mad that he was prophesying the destruction of Jerusalem. And, this is after Jeremiah was thrown into the dungeon (Jer 37:16) and then rescued from being thrown into a cistern to starve to death (Jer 38:6-9). And, this is all at the same time that the city of Jerusalem is under siege by Babylon.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure that I would be that interested in hearing about the "good" that God had planned for my city and my people if I had suffered like Jeremiah. Even if I was interested, it would be really hard to believe that God really wanted our good when I looked at the natural circumstances of living in a besieged city, being unjustly persecuted and imprisoned, and being on the verge of either death or living in captivity for 70 years. And yet, there it is in Jeremiah 32. God is clearly talking to Jeremiah about how much He loves Israel and how committed He is to their good.

This is really hard for me to understand and my life circumstances aren't even that difficult. I am really praying and asking God to convince me that He is for my good no matter what I see when I look at what is happening around me and to me. I think that this is important now and I can imagine that it will be even more important in the days to come. As I read what the Bible says about the last days before Jesus returns again, things sound extremely difficult. If I don't learn how to persevere through difficulty while maintaining the belief that God is good now, then what will I do in those days?

I think of Hebrews 12:15: See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled…

This verse reminds me to pay attention to what is happening in my heart and mind in response to my life. I am trying to train myself to start asking the following question every day: How do I respond when I get what I don't think I deserve or when I don't get what I think that I do deserve? In other words, what promotions and rewards do I think I deserve that I am not getting? Is there anything or anyone who is offending me? Am I feeling mistreated or thinking that I am getting something that I do not deserve? What are my expectations for how God and others should be treating me? My answers to these kinds of questions can reveal where bitterness toward God or others is springing up in my heart; where I am tempted to believe that God is not really good or for my good. Knowing this helps me know when and how I need to repent and remind myself of truth. God is good. I want to believe this because it's true, not because it seems true in my life.

Day 45 – My fight

The Conflict of the Two Natures: Romans 7:14-25

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not…For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members… (Verses 18, 22)

Deliverance from Bondage: Romans 8:1-25

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace…So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh—for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. (Verses 1, 3-6, 12-13)

I am experiencing this struggle that Paul describes so well in Romans. I am learning so many things and encountering the love of God, but still struggling with the same old sins. How can this be?! This happens because sanctification is a transformative process that happens over time.

For this, I really appreciate how IHOP-KC encourages us to define our identity: God loves me and I love God, but I struggle with sin. As God lavishes His love on me, I feel love back towards Him and my hatred for sin grows. I become like the violent men from John 11:12 who are seizing the kingdom of heaven. I commit to love and obey God again. But usually, after only a few short minutes, I find myself sinning again. So I repent and recommit. And then, I sin yet again. And this goes on and on, all day, every day.

Without fail, this endless cycle eventually leads to me feeling frustrated and discouraged. I want to give up, but I know that there are only two sides in this struggle: Jesus and Satan. I am sure that I don't want to change sides, but I'm not sure how to handle my heart given the reality of my struggle with sin. Fortunately several of my teachers have reminded us of another IHOP-KC mantra: "If you don't quit, then you win." I really think that this is an important reminder for me.

It's actually humbling, in a good way, for me to repent over and over again every day. It is my pride that says, "I'm tired of failure. I'm not committing to obey anymore." God hates pride and He's helping me to hate it too (Prov 8:13). If this process will destroy my pride, then I want to embrace it wholeheartedly. My flesh is weak, it's true. But, my spirit is willing and God is making it stronger every day. Again, God seems to be inviting me to embrace my weakness and I commit to saying "Yes" as many times as it takes.

Day 41 – Message to the Exiles

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

I think almost everyone has heard this verse at some point in their life. As Corey Russell says, it's popular for graduation cards and we usually use it to encourage people when life is feeling difficult. But, do you realize that this message was actually sent to the exiles in Babylon at the beginning of their 70 year captivity?! God wanted to encourage them because they would be in exile for the next 70 years. He also directed them to establish themselves in Babylon (verses 4-7). This really struck me today and I started thinking about how our life here on earth, waiting for Jesus' second coming, is like being in exile.

Having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth…But as it is, they desire a better county, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not [ashamed of them, to be] called their God; for He has prepared a city for them. Hebrews 11:13b, 16

In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. John 14:2-3

Seek the welfare [or peace] of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare [or peace] you will have welfare [or peace]. Jeremiah 29:7

This earth is not my home. I am an exile here while Jesus prepares a place for me in heaven. My true home is in heaven with Him for all of eternity. I desire to live in that home because I know that it is better to be with Jesus. But, for the time being, God has called me to live here, on earth. And, He asks me to pray for the welfare or peace of the earthly city where He has placed me.

In this context, I think that Jeremiah 29:11 is actually a promise that heaven is for real. I like to use this verse whenever I am wrestling with God because I perceive that He won't give me something that I want. I say to Him, "You said that You have plans for my welfare and NOT for calamity, to give me a future and a hope. I don't think that You are holding up Your end of the bargain when I look at my circumstances." But, it may be that I just have the wrong application of this Scripture. Instead of trying to use it to persuade God to change my circumstances, I can ask God to use it to change my heart and to help me live for eternity.

I also want to do my part to pray for the welfare and peace of my city so that I can join the global prayer movement that hastens the day of the LORD's return (2 Peter 3:12). I want to send up all the prayer and worship that I can to fill up those golden bowls of incense that are in heaven (Rev 5:8). I want to contribute to the songs to Jesus that are going to cover the entire earth before He returns (Isa 42:10-12). These are things that I can do now in anticipation of the day when God will bring me home.

Day 39 – There is a treasure in me

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

John Begel spoke at the Encountering God Service (EGS) last night and his message was powerful. I strongly encourage you to listen to it through the archives. He began by talking about how God chooses to hide His treasure in the strangest places, meaning us. John went on to talk about how it seems to delight God to keep people in a place a weakness and this is what I want to focus on.

And He (Jesus) has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9a

Blessed (or happy) are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:3

God loves to bring His incredible power and His loving presence into my life when I am weak. He also seems to protect me in weakness. As John said, "Satan can smell pride a solar system away" and God uses weakness to protect us from becoming prideful. All of this was somewhat familiar to me. I was thinking, "This is a good reminder", but I wasn't feel really challenged. That happened next…

John shared that God had started challenging him with Matthew 5:3. God told John that He was having a hard time working with him because John didn't know how to be poor in spirit because he was always trying to be rich. This really impacted me because I am also always trying to be rich. And not just financially, although I will be honest and say that I pray for that too. But, I want to be rich in the greater sense in that I want to be free from sin and struggle and pain and fear and jealousy and insecurity and anger…I think you get the picture.

I was already convicted. But John went on to identify 4 high places that I have definitely been worshipping at and I was convicted further:

• Self-glorification: I make a name for me. I seek to earn recognition, affirmation and approval from people. (This is when I tell you things about me that I hope will impress you so that you will compliment me and I can feel really special.)
  
• Self-gratification: I want my life to work well. Please! I want to be successful, comfortable and I want all of my relationships and tasks to operate smoothly. (But, really, who doesn't? Although that doesn't make it any more right…)
  
• Self-falsification/promotion: I misrepresent myself so that I look better to others and get more of that recognition that I enjoy so much. (This is when I make up an answer to a counseling question that someone asks me because I really don't know, but I don't want them to know that.)
  
• Self-sufficiency: I want to take care of myself. I want to be financially independent, emotionally stable, intellectually brilliant, physically strong and completely holy all by myself. (This is when I think that I really can earn my salvation because I am such a good person.)
  

I wept as I repented at the end of the service. I was so grieved to see that I still have quite a little kingdom devoted to me. I felt so thankful that I could turn my eyes to my sympathetic high priest, Jesus Christ, and ask Him to forgive me (Heb 4:15). I felt so grateful that He loves me too much to leave me enslaved to sin. I asked Jesus to help me to follow His perfect example: to die to myself and to live for God. I also asked God to help me to embrace weakness and frailty in my life since He longs to encounter me in that place. I have been trying to get rid of my weaknesses for my whole life or at least to hide them so that no one can see them. I had not realized that God would keep revealing them because it is in my weakness that He most wants to connect with me and lavish His love upon me. It is in my weakness that He can best display the treasure that He has hidden within me: Himself. For when my little earthen vessel is broken, then the light of His glory shines out most spectacularly.

Day 36 – Life is hard. How do I keep a buoyant heart?

My new class this week is Jesus: the Bridegroom with Brett Maverich. It's been challenging in a really good way. We have been talking a lot about the Bridal paradigm. This is basically a framework for processing life that believes that Jesus loves us and wants to live in intimate relationship and partnership with us for all of eternity. Brett talked about how everyone has a paradigm that they use to process their life. Life is really hard and our paradigm will influence how we approach pain, suffering, disappointment and difficult circumstances. When I believe that God is love and that His will is actually His overflowing heart for human beings, then I can trade in my hurt for joy and love. When I don't believe that God is love, then I will be more likely to choose anger and bitterness when I experience pain or difficulty in my life.

Now before this conversation happened, we had an equally challenging discussion in my Life of David class yesterday. We talked a lot about eternity and how our life on this earth is a really short span of time in comparison to forever. Clay Edwards asked the question, "How do you know that the prophetic promises you have received from God are for now? What if they are for the millennial kingdom, when we will rule the earth with Christ? What if you only experience partial fulfillment of God's calling on your life this side of heaven? How will you respond then?"

I must confess that this has opened up a lot of dialogue with God in my heart. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about eternity. I'm pretty focused on my life here on earth. And, as a 30 year old who has experienced tremendous blessing in life, I can tell you that I have already been tempted with disillusionment because things are not working out the way that I thought they would. God has not done a lot of the things that I thought He would have done in my life by now. And it hurts my feelings and makes quitting seem really enticing. But, I can normally get myself excited again by thinking, "Well, God just hasn't done it yet. But, He will! Or, He's going to do something even better that I never thought of instead." Then, I can keep going and my heart can stay tender toward Him. So, when Clay started suggesting that I may not see God fulfill some of the things that I am waiting for until eternity; that kind of stopped me. What?! Then, to make matters worse, he started focusing on how I would respond if that was the case. At that time, I started experiencing some real difficulty. What?!! You mean I might wait for the rest of my life for God to do these things that I desire to see Him do AND think that He told me He wants to do and I could still potentially enter heaven with them unfulfilled? Please tell me that this is not actually a possibility that I need to consider!

Then, this morning, Brett was talking about keeping a tender heart before the LORD. He told this story of a woman in her eighties who has experienced tremendous pain and loss in her life; much more than I have experienced. Yet, she has a joyful and tender heart toward God. She has continually walked with Jesus in such a way that she has chosen to allow Him to comfort her in her sufferings rather than become bitter and resentful toward God. This woman has decided that God's love is enough for her, no matter what difficulties she may experience. Now I'm really in a bind. I want to have that kind of tender heart toward God, all the days of my life, regardless of my circumstances. But, in addition to knowing that life is hard and I may experience any number of huge losses and painful situations, I now also know that the promises of God that I am eagerly looking forward to may not be fulfilled until after my earthly life is over. Yikes! How can I keep a buoyant heart for the decades of my life that remain despite this reality?

Because of His great love with which He loved us…and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places…that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-7

The hidden wisdom which God ordained before the ages for our glory…Eye has not seen, nor ear heard…the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. 1 Corinthians 2:7-9

I can be confident that God loves me, that He wants me to be with Him forever and that He is going to be kind to me for all of eternity. God has prepared things for me that I cannot even imagine. I may not experience any of them on this side of heaven, but I can be confident that they exist and that they are a part of my inheritance in God. There will be a day when I see Him face to face and I enjoy unbroken communion with Him. And this side of heaven, I can rest in the knowledge that He will always be with me and that He is powerful enough to use any trouble that I experience for His glory and my good. There is truly no difficulty or disappointment that can separate me from the love of Christ as long as I keep saying "Yes" to Him.

Day 35 – Fighting fear as a way to exercise faith

On Day 4, I shared about how I had been impacted by a prophetic message given by Aaron Walsh concerning the relationship between fear and faith. It's been almost exactly a month since I heard this word and God has really, really been using it with me! I want to share an update from my journey with you.

I have literally cut and pasted a chunk of my Day 4 message to remind myself, and you, what his message was:

• In the third dream, Aaron was at a meeting of the global prayer movement. God told them that a far worse shaking was coming, but that the prayer movement is not to fear. The shaking is actually for us. For 6 million years, God has held himself back from a great transfer of finances. However, He is not going to restrain Himself any longer. But, you must believe that God is good to you in His personal provision for you. God said that the war of faith and fear will be fought on the battlefield of personal finance. The way forward: God is going to release a generous spirit that dismantles fear in our hearts. He will use the economic shaking to reveal our fears regarding our personal finances. If we turn to God, He will dismantle our fears and give us faith to trust His provision and be generous with others. God wants to communicate deeply that He is our source.
  
• In the fourth dream, God told Aaron that the Mother of all fears is finance. We attack fear by moving in the opposite spirit. Instead of moving to labor in our hearts to fix the problem, we need to trust in God to provide for us.
  

As I said before, I was deeply impacted by this word. One of the biggest blessings that I am experiencing during internship is that God is dismantling the fears in my heart – thank You Jesus! However, one of the biggest challenges that I am facing every day is that God is dismantling the fears in my heart. J This is what I am asking Him to do, but man is it hard! I have discovered that God is using my fears regarding my personal finances to uncover all of the other fears in my heart too. I have earned a steady income for the past five years of my life. I realize now that I didn't think that I really had to rely on God's provision for myself because I could depend on my salary to pay my bills. But now that I do have to depend on God for my financial provision, I keep finding myself with a zero balance in my check book AND in my savings and I have absolutely NO idea how I am going to pay my monthly bills. In this moment of financial fear, all of the other fears that have been hiding in my heart seem to come pouring out too. It's as if they heard that a fear party may soon be happening in my heart and they don't want to miss out. If I had to summarize these fears, then I would say that I am afraid that God is good to other people, but not me and this is expressed in pretty much every area of my life.

I have a choice every day; usually multiple times a day in various arenas. I can choose to cave in to fear that God does not really love me and does not really have good things specifically for me. Or, I can stop defining God by my circumstances and I can choose to ask Him for help, through prayer, and remind myself of what the Bible tells me is always true of Him. I have yet to be delivered from my fears, but I am finding a greater grace to reach toward Jesus for help faster. I also think that my faith muscle is getting stronger because of the fact that I am able to trust God for longer and longer periods of time before I fall back into unbelief. But, it's a lot of work and I'm not sure that God is going to release me from this process any time soon. I think that He is ecstatic about how much more we are talking every day. And, I think that He really likes how honest I am with Him about my unbelief, when I feel angry because He doesn't do things my way, when I cry out in fear because I am so scared that He's not going to provide for me and I really, really want to make my own plan B, and even when I feel so tired of fighting that I'm not sure I can go on. I believe that God really loves me and that the sound of my voice moves His Father's heart, even when I rail against him because I still see so dimly that He really is all powerful, all knowing, really perfect in love and wisdom and more committed to my happiness than I am. God made me, so He knows better than I do how weak and frail my love and affection really is. He sees how hard it actually is for me to say "Yes" to Him and to trust that He is my source instead of trying to fix the problem myself. I think that this is why His heart really is so moved by every weak glance of my eye and every small submission of my will to His. SOS 4:9 I think that Jesus actually understands how fickle my attention and my affection really are, so He rejoices every time I purpose in my heart to be completely His.

I do not think that this is something unique that God is doing in me. If you are at all interested in or involved in the global prayer movement, i.e. a HOP somewhere, then I am confident that you are either already experiencing this financial shaking or soon will be because this is part of how God is making Jesus' Bride ready. If this is the case, then I would really love to pray for you as I pray for myself and others who are already in this process. Please email me at jodypearcy81@yahoo.com or through Facebook to let me know how I can be praying for you.

Also, if God is stirring you to want to support me financially, then that would be a huge blessing to me because I am still in need of monthly support and trusting God to provide it. You can make checks payable to the Rock River House of Prayer and send them to c/o Laban Hoover, 307 N Highland Ave, Rockford, IL 61107.